Vol. 2, Post #54 Ghosted? At Our Age?

And, oy, CLOSURE. Here's how to always get it. Sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, AKA, people with readers.

OK, Dear Readers, let’s get back to business. That’s enough crying and moping around the house. I started a silent meditation practice last week just ahead of my 57th birthday, and it’s been a godsend. Getting up early (again) after literally sleeping like the dead (wrapped up in the duvet, the dog, and the despair) had to stop for my sanity and probably yours. So…how are YOU coping? Shall we distract ourselves with a Dating Protocol Refresh for those of you who are out there, in the muck?

Thought so. This week, I dove into the email pile (keep ‘em coming — I love it! Here’s my email address if you have a topic to suggest, or just want to tell me how pretty I am — I cannot believe how sad I look when I see pix of me over the last month, so I’m trying to pull it together. Here’s my newest red lipstick discovery. It is DIVINE! Look!

Today, we’re spelunking around the eyeroll-inducing cave that is Ghosting, and in this instance, we’re gonna be all girl-boy, and assume that YOU, The Girl, is getting ghosted by HIM, The Boy.

Ghosting is probably one of the lamest moves in dating, but it’s not without merit, if you take a deeper look at it. I promise.

I’ve never understood the allure of just disappearing on someone after you’ve been dating for a bit, and by “a bit,” I mean, you’ve had a few dates, along with some steady conversation before, during, and after getting together in person. Ghosting, by the way, is NOT when someone just goes dark after one date — yes, that sucks and again, chalk it up to bad manners and a lack of maturity, but after one date, the reality is that no one owes anyone anything. I’m personally a big fan of the text that reads “Hi, So-And-So, it was so nice to meet you/go out/get to know you a little but we’re not a match. Best of luck to you” as part of my own Departure Lounge decorum, but let’s face it, some people just go dark after one date if they’re not feeling it.

Nevertheless, even if YOU know you don’t want to continue to date this person, it can still sting/aggravate/perplex you non-stop if you get ghosted. Our brains are wired to ask “why” in most situations and that silence just activates your sleuthing cycle, pushing you to need to uncover what went wrong.

It’s within that gray area of “why” where we start to wax poetic and spin stories. And that’s never pretty. We go to dark, weird places with scenarios that we ASSUME we have correctly sussed out, and none of it feels good, and — more importantly? — a lot of the time, those scenarios aren’t remotely accurate. But we twirl on…by the end of it, you’re pretty sure the reason you got ghosted is because you’re not good enough in some way. It’s fine; and let’s just admit it — we’ve all personalized rejection before, even when intellectually, we know we’re completely off base to do so. Consider my letter of the week:

“I probably don’t even really need to know the answer to this, but I went out with this guy three times over last month or so and now he’s disappeared. We never had sex, but we had what I thought were a couple of good dates with some hot kissing and on our last date, he told me a lot about his challenges with his ex-wife, and I also shared some of my divorce challenges. Stuff that I would normally hold off sharing if I thought this wasn’t a potential match. We were talking regularly and had plans for him to sleep over on our next date, which was going to be a weekend hang, dinner on Saturday and a morning hike on Sunday. Silence since our last date. Is this a disaster of epic proportions? No. Not even sure how I felt about him, but I don’t know why he went dark and it’s bothering me. Should I care? I keep thinking that if I’m really the grown ass woman that I say I am, I wouldn’t care.”

This ^^^^ was an email I received a few weeks back. My initial response to this Dear Reader was to give it a little more time (she said she hadn’t heard from Mr. Three Dates So Far in the two days after their last date, besides a quick “good night xo” text). I wrote back to her and said that given the fact that everyone is stressed and short-tempered, it’s possible that something came up and he couldn’t multitask while he raged at the global dumpster fire, AKA, modern society — even though, let’s face it, we all know it takes 20 seconds to send a text, so this was DEFINITELY not a good sign. On the flipside, I cautioned, the guy might have something on his mind because after a month or so of dating, some people start evaluating and need a moment to breathe. Just exhale for a minute, I instructed my lady. But my Dear Reader was correct. The dude ghosted her. And she wanted to know why she cared so much, even though it was early on.

“OK, he ghosted me. It’s been a week now. I’m super angry. Next question,” she continued in her follow up email to me. “I want to reach out and say, ‘Think you could’ve had the decency to just be straight with me if this didn’t feel like something you wanted to continue doing, dating me. This is not cool.’ Or should I just let it go? I honestly don’t know which would feel better — telling him that this is pissing me off or just going dark myself and matching his lack of effort, as stupid as that sounds.”

Not stupid, Dear Reader. Human. As a person who is trying to be more human with every passing hour of the day, and not pretend that my own emotions aren’t fragile as fuck, I know your pain and I also know your active imagination. You’re playing out conversations. Maybe talking to yourself (or to him? or speaking for both of you?) while you floss your teeth at night in front of the mirror, indignant but with good oral hygiene (at least that’s my move).

But to answer your question…No. Don’t reach out. And not because your silence shows him what a badass you are. That’s a game. We are Young Olds and we don’t play games, RIGHT?

The reason you don’t need to reach out because it’s just a waste of time.

It really doesn’t matter why this guy ghosted my Dear Reader. He might not even know himself. Maybe he met someone else; maybe he thought they should be fucking by Date Three and got sulky; maybe he’s so depressed about New World Order that he can’t pull it together and he thinks that she’ll judge him for that: maybe there was a death in his family; maybe he lost his job; maybe he’s totally embarrassed about revealing so much regarding his ex-wife that he thinks he’s overexposed and needs to give the impression that he’s cooler than he actually is; maybe he realizes that my Dear Reader is a woman of some serious substance and he’s thinking he’s more of a casual guy and doesn’t want to get in over his head, so he actually thinks that THIS makes him a good guy, just disappearing instead of disappointing her.

Besides the time suck, here’s another thought on why she shouldn’t reach out, and why his excuse doesn’t matter, and it’s the best reason of all to stay silent.

There’s nothing that he’s going to say that will make you, my Dear Reader, feel better if your ego is currently bruised. In fact, he might say something that really pisses you off and then you’ll be on that endless hamster wheel of CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT DOUCHE SAID THAT TO ME?! alternating with OH MY FUCKING GOD COULD THE THING HE SAID TO ME ACTUALLY BE TRUE?!

So no, Dear Reader, don’t text him. Don’t call him.

And…

If and when you do reach out (because let’s face it, sometimes we’re just not done and need to make the same mistake, with the same person, again, coughs, raises hand), just know you’re in for another episode of this, probably sooner than you think. This is one of the best summaries of "when you're not done" and oy, it's pretty gulp-worthy — click thru for a sort of major “ouch but yep” from an IG self-helper who has no formal training, but a younger pal said she loves this woman’s advice and I found this clip to be, well, spot on.

Let’s map this out. If you text or call him, he’ll give you a reason that he’s been silent and most likely, it will sound juuuuuuust valid enough so that you’ll be annoyed, but probably let it go. Get out of jail free card, and all. Maybe I’m wrong and he won’t even respond. But I have a feeling he will. And I can see you holding the phone in your hand right now, Dear Reader. Put it down, OK?

Or don’t put it down. Maybe you’re OK with this.

You’re old enough to decide what you will and won’t sign up for in dating. Just know it means that you’re fine with moving proverbial lines in proverbial sand. You all know what I’m talking about. I’ve had a few relationships when I moved my line in the sand so often that you’d think I was coaching volleyball on the beach in La Jolla.

Flexibility is one thing. Understanding is one thing. Say you have a partner who is less communicative, less confident, who needs reassurance to form trust and to blossom, so sometimes you need to go above and beyond to make them feel safe and seen. That’s a beautiful springboard to a deeper love connection, and a really nice thing to offer someone when you care.

But then there’s what I’d call “art directing” — and this leads to insanity. If you have to tell someone you are dating to stay in better touch with you, once you’ve already established the manner which you both prefer to communicate, you are art directing. Say “CUT!” gather your cue cards, quiet the set, and move along.

Dear Reader, I think it’s simply time to get Maya Angelou on his ass, and, on your ass too.

Or, as Jimmy says around 1:20, time to smarten up.

I like this IG account, and have posted some of her advice before, even though she’s just a baby (thirtysomething but direct and wise beyond her generation). She ran this graphic a few weeks ago. You could actually print this out and keep it with you as a worry bead of sorts, if you’re grinding your teeth in silence as you stare at your phone and wonder where the hell someone went.

Guess what? ^^^that tends to be utterly, completely fool-proof, on the money true, for nearly anyone who has gone dark on you while dating. Still hurts, right? Sorry I can’t make that go away but here comes the merit that I mentioned before.

The hidden value in ghosting? It’s not what you think — it’s not me telling you that you “dodged a bullet.” It’s bigger than that.

To begin, I’m not here to reinforce the idea that the guy who ghosted you must be emotionally unintelligent, or that it’s obvious that someone like him isn’t on your level. I shouldn’t need to reinforce that, because THAT’S A GIVEN. That’s one of the things that you do NOT have to navigate or negotiate as you sit around in triage with your friends, wondering “Why did they do me dirty?” Give yourself the credit and the respect that you deserve and don’t waste any more time shifting through his limitations to see if you can convince yourself that he deserves another chance. He doesn’t. Clearly, anyone with a brain (or the ability to send a text, so a brain, eyes, and fingers) knows this is their own stuff. Including him. If he’s older than 15, he knows ghosting is just poor form.

But what I DO want you to remember is, if in the end, someone ghosts you because they don’t feel the vibe or think they could be more attracted to someone else/a better fit with someone else, the only thing that this proves is that THEY were never going to be a good partner FOR YOU.

Take back your narrative, Dear Reader. Turn the tables on this shit. OK, you got ghosted. By someone who you’d not want to date in the long run for any number of reasons. Ready for even more gold to mine in this situation? Because I’m not finished telling you why you’re lucky you got ghosted.

Sitting in this rejection, without reacting, without reaching out for closure, is the road to a happier life, in fact, the road to enlightenment. Sitting in this scenario that didn’t end the way you hoped it would and just letting the emotions flow in and out on this will teach you so much about your own resilience and boundaries, and if there is work for you to do in this capacity? Believe me, you’ll know.

To my Dear Reader and to any Young Old who is scratching their heads and saying, “I don’t get it” regarding someone’s silence? Yes, you do. You get it. Remember this dissatisfaction is theirs to sort out, not your opportunity to re-audition for a roll you actually know you don’t want — the roll of having to chase down someone you are dating so they don’t slip through your fingers.

Leave the ghostbusting to the professionals. Remember, it’s shine on, not slime on.

PHOTO AT TOP: When The Child was a wee thing, we went to Niagara Falls and he was begging to go into this haunted house. You could “select” your tour of the house by how scary you wanted it to be, since it was live actors, etc. He picked “very scary” or whatever the category was that indicated you wanted “shit your pants” scary. I think he lasted maybe five minutes on the tour before he was crying and asking me to carry him out. I picked up my screaming kid and yelled to the dark room, “OK, Ghosts and Goblins and Dracula, I have a really petrified kid here and I’m going to turn around and walk out.” And walk out into daylight we did. You do the same, OK? Life is full of scary places. Dating shouldn’t be one of them.