Vol. 1, Post #28 The Dating Chronicles Part II

Let’s hear from the pros. My ongoing sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A modern dating odyssey for Young Olds, AKA, people with readers.

As I’ve written here before, when I decided to launch this Substack, I wanted to pepper my own dating experiences with a smattering of “expert advice” that might help propel Young Olds forward, as they embark on their own dating adventures post-divorce or continue their quest for a partner in these middle-ish years.

As such, I’ve followed a few specific dating coaches on social media to learn more about what they are advising their clients, and how they deliver their messages. Yes, Mother is doing the work, so you don’t have to!

I’m fascinated by the many wildly different styles and endlessly curious about whether or not any of these “pros” offer a solid taste of what clients could learn in advance of booking (sometimes pricey) sessions. IMO, there are a handful of them who actually have something to say and last week, I took a free one-hour workshop with one of them to see if I actually gleaned anything that I hadn’t already learned via my own dating life. Read on to find out what, if anything, grabbed and held my attention.

WAIT – AND! – for you Partnered Dear Readers, there are still a few good sources, all linked below, to help you make your relationships even BETTER!

So, in order of how often I check in with their Instagram accounts (AKA IG), here are the coaches, helpers and advice-givers that I found useful and/or amusing (equally important) for those in the trenches:

There is the ultimate bitch-mouth Sabrina Zohar, who I love for not just her ample use of the words “fuck” and “bullshit” but also her no-nonsense approach to calling out men (and women) on wasting each other’s precious time, busting Fantasy Island-style fairy tales wide open with a dose of potty-mouthed reality, and an invitation for all to step up their vulnerability and accountability. Plus, as I’ve said, she’s hot (scroll to the end of this post if you want to see where my love affair with her began).

Ignore her tender young age and take a look at Talia Koren, who went on a very specific journey to find her partner and get engaged while in her 30s, often booking multiple dates in one day (I support this and have done it too) as well as dating men and women (same, Sister, same). Yes, she’s a baby, but she hits the nail on the head for many of us, including calling some of us out on, OK, some pretty immature but easy-to-fall-in-this-trap behavior. From the mouths of babes, indeed.

Therapy Jeff, AKA Jeff Guenther, is a LPC (licensed professional counselor) and he’s just released a book, Big Dating Energy, that is seemingly relatable to all genders, regardless of sexual preferences. His IG posts are mostly reels that center around checklists for good relationships (and showcase his alarmingly large wardrobe of rock T-shirts, some of which make me doubt his ability to advise anyone to do anything. I mean, Weezer?) That aside, I think he’s pithy, honest, and worth a click through. Here’s an example of something that many of us seem to grapple with on the regular.

Todd Baratz, LHMC and certified sex therapist, also just released a book, How To Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind, and, separately, lemme oogle him a bit, because as sexy gay men go, he hits all the high notes. What I like about his IG account is how he encourages followers to “Go ahead, get attached!” and “Be needy! It’s a turn on to let your partner know you desire them.” I’ve also quoted his “My favorite sex position is you in therapy” to at least one former partner.

As she knows, because I’ve fan-girl chatted with her on multiple occasions, regarding how much I got from her book, The Origins Of You, which she published last year, marriage and family therapist Vienna Pharaon encourages her followers to break generational patterns in family dynamics in order to be healthier and stronger in adult relationships. WE CAN ALL USE THIS!

As someone who most certainly has some childhood trauma that is a work-in-progress to unpack, I loved Vienna’s book, marked it up to bits with Post-It notes, and I think her IG content is adjacent to dating coach IG content since it’s all about relating to others and finding peace in ourselves. She’s a gentle but very direct helper in this regard. Even if you’re not dating, you’ll glean some insight from here. Also, if you didn’t know before, this confirms that I am a maniac; this is a video message I sent her after I finished her book (Post-It Notes City!)

OOK, now comes a weird one – via a bonafide celebrity (someone who is a household name), I was introduced to Coach Ryan Holley…Ryan has a background in military services and the coaching he does is based on avoidant attachment style. MUCH has been written about avoidant attachment and as I’ve stated here, I’m neither a therapist nor a fan of diagnosing the people I love as to their damage. However…when the BFC (bonafide celebrity) and I were chatting about our respective exes, BFC mentioned that Coach Ryan really helped answer some questions and offered up some healing and I was curious enough to click through. Ignore the backwards baseball cap and general Brah vibes. If you have been in a relationship with someone avoidant, you will probably faint as you click through Ryan’s reels. This is, as my BFC pal said, is not so much dating advice as a round-up of what other people like you might have endured if you’ve dated a person with attachment style issues. And in the end, Ryan “frees” you to go on your way. At least that’s my takeaway. I found him very comforting when I was dealing with some middle of the night “WHY did he do THAT?” stuff after my last breakup.

Before I get to the workshop that I took last week, I need to shout out my pal T. who turned me on to what she calls “the funniest and most honest Black men on IG today” – Derrick Jaxn and Ace Metaphor (and as a BIPOC woman, she’s allowed to say that). I’ve watched a ton of the reels that these two guys put up, given T.’s endorsement (T., by the way, is newly partnered at 46 and certainly has been around the block in Bullshitville with regard to a parade of dates that wasted her time and drew her ire before she met her sweetie) and my overall response to their content is “Preach!” When I mentioned to T. that I was writing up a list of dating coaches who I thought had good messaging, she encouraged me to add these two dudes to the mix. I can’t vouch for any certification that they may or may not hold in life coaching, but I can say that they are (at least from what I saw) speaking truths (and they are kind of deliciously outrageous, a bonus).

So, what did I watch last week that got me thinking about “pro dating advice?”

I took the one-hour free “Love Life Club” with New York Times best-selling author Matthew Hussey. He’s got podcasts; he’s got newsletters; he does group and 1:1 coaching and he is, seemingly, among the most popular and respected “dating coaches” out there today.

I’ve heard other coaches reference Matthew – my cutie patootie Sabrina (above) likes to refer to something that Matthew calls “living in the blue” which is when you are texting with a potential date or partner and all of the communication is instigated or generated on your part, therefore, you look at your texts and you see nothing but blue, if you will –very little reciprocal conversation going on, which Sabrina and Matthew correctly point out is a big NO.

I got the distinct impression that in the dating coach stratosphere, Matthew is considered above board, respectable, and likeable. When he popped up in my feed, I took a quick scroll through his free hour offering and decided to take the plunge for you, my Dear Readers.

Want the “Love Life Club” Cliff Notes?

Matthew began the hour seminar by reminding viewers that “attention is not intention” and I was actually amazed at how simple, yet forceful, a concept this can be. How many times have any of us swooned over the attention or focus that we received from a new love interest, only to find that there was a hard and fast limit to this, that there was flirting, yes, and sexting, maybe, and intrigue, definitely, but when it came time for a Relationship? Not so much. I liked this reminder: Attention is not intention.

Matthew followed up with a lengthy discussion about how spark does not lead to compatibility – if you’re dating, I’m hoping you know this but to reiterate, he emphasized that over time, if it’s revealed that what passes between you and someone you are interested in dating is more chemistry over compatibility? Staying in that relationship can cause more suffering in the long run than leaving now before you get in too deep. Again, I thought this was good advice and advice that I have sometimes ignored myself, to my chagrin.

THIS struck me as very interesting: “Change your frequency,” he said. “It’s fine to have a group of friends who feel the same frustrations as you do, who are as flummoxed by dating as you are. There is safety and comfort in that sameness. However…when we gather to share our stories about toxic dating, we often reinforce negative attitudes or negative behaviors. Consider that you might want to discuss dating goals with your friends or family who live different lives and therefore, get different results.”

HALLELUJAH, Matthew! This is harsh, because it calls on the carpet YOUR behavior around bitch sessions regarding “loser guys” and “low effort men” but there’s some real truth to this. I have a friend who has an ex that mirrors one of my exes. When we occasionally “talk shop” about them, I feel myself reverting to “pack mentality” about Bad Guys and I’m not sure that’s helpful, or healthy. Don’t misinterpret me – talking shit with your friends is essential. What Matthew recommends is being open to the perspectives of others who might have real-life/real-time wisdom to share. For me, before I embarked on my newest dating chapter earlier this year, I looked around at the relationships in my friend circle that made the most sense to me and sought dates that echo’d that. Which is PRECISELY why, when I went on a blind date a few months ago with someone that a pal thought I’d like, I knew she was correct. Because I immediately identified him as my sometimes typical “little black rain cloud artistic tattooed love boy,” aka, T-R-O-U-B-L-E, and left after one drink.

This next one made me think of Dennis Hopper’s character in “True Romance,” when he tells his son Clarence to “Slow it down, maaaaaan!” Per Matthew: DO NOT INVEST TOO QUICKLY! Slow down in dating, says Matthew, especially when our instinct is to speed it up when we’ve made an initial connection that feels real in a sea of superficiality. Just because it feels good, doesn’t mean you have RUSH to the next phase in dating. (Dennis and Christian Slater below just because.)

Related to that, Matthew encourages his clients to “call people out” but not in the way you suspect. “Don’t be afraid to internally or externally call people out, and by that, I mean, don’t base what you do next on how much you like them. Base it on how this person makes us feel, how this person makes us happy. Look for cues like: am I more peaceful, confident, vulnerable, safe, feeling loved, feeling seen with this person? Good. Make your next move based on that, not on if someone inspires you to bid, or try harder, for their attention.”

(And since he’s reading along, hahaha, JJ, you make me feel more peaceful, confident, vulnerable, safe, loved and seen. You are a great boyfriend xo.)

Finally, Matthew spoke to what he called “trusted economics” and advised to push away his version of scarcity mindset. “We often condition ourselves to turn our noses up at something ‘easy’ and loving for something that feels like we need to ‘earn’ it. Consider a diamond, versus air. Diamonds are rare, yes, and valuable and they are for show. Air is vital for life and is readily available. Which would you choose if you could only have one of them? Something for show or something vital to your well-being?”

The “hour” with Matthew Hussey ended at around :46 at which time the soft sell took over and he offered viewers the various options to work with him, at assorted price points, so I turned off the video and reviewed my notes, knowing I’d be sharing them with you.

As always, happy hunting, Dear Readers. Let me know if there are any guides, gurus, goofs or guys/girls who you trust, find amusing, or inspire you to get out there and seize the day!