Vol. 1, Post #19b The Phone

The people have spoken (and not just via text). My ongoing sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A modern dating odyssey for Young Olds, AKA, people with readers.

Two things that are true — which work against each other in modern dating.

1. I’m not a Talking On The Phone Person, which is a ridiculous thing to say since it is nearly surgically attached to my hand at all times.

2. While I know that texting is perhaps the most ridiculous form of communication since a tin can on a string, it ends up being the default for most of us and it’s the least nuanced way to “talk,” so no wonder there are entire social media accounts devoted to the mayhem that it unleashes (see end of post).

   1. Knowing both of those things, I see me (or anyone else) doing very little to buck that trend.

Earlier in the week, I asked you, my Dear Readers, to chime in on how you liked to communicate with your partners/lovers/dates, as I’m currently navigating this in my newest dating chapter, particularly when I’m finding myself getting annoyed by having to “jump on a call” as part of getting to know someone.

• A resounding almost three-quarters of you who answered my poll (70%) like a combination of phone calls and text messages when it comes to communicating with your Beloved(s), which makes sense, as this is the most sensible approach. However, since I’m the “man behind the curtain” here, I can see the names of those who voted for which answer and of the names I recognize, I see an inordinate number of partnered and married people picking this (sidebar to say that while I love ALL of my Dear Readers, I especially love those who I do not know personally, because that means YOU have picked ME to read out of a sea of strangers and THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL THING!). Back to my Combo People. Of course, this makes sense that many of you are coupled up. Y’all are not sitting around wondering if it’s “something I said” or wincing at the way you answered a question about where to eat dinner. I think of myself as someone who engages in very little of that ^^^ sort of nonsense, but I’d be lying if I told you that on rare occasion, I’ve gotten a text from someone I’m dating and wondered why the response was only a thumbs’ up, instead of a heart. Please shoot me.

• This is followed by the not-quite-quarter percentage of you (21%) who prefer text only. This answer was the first to start populating on the poll. I see the names of some single people in this category, as well as a few of my favorite misanthropes. Hello War Buddies. Remember – jump to the bottom of this post for a little bit of a “warning” about only texting while dating.*

• A measly 8% of my poll takers prefer phone calls only as a means of communicating with their Person(s).

And then there was the curmudgeonly less-than-5% who like neither phone nor text but put up with both because they “have” to (smoke signals, anyone?). I’ll get to the other outliers in a few paragraphs.

Back to me (it IS my Substack, after all). Because these days, I’m not sure where I fall in this mix.

As I’ve gotten older, I realize that I often avoid speaking on the phone when a text will do, but at the same time, I acknowledge that I ended a nearly three-year relationship in which we almost always ONLY texted (unless we were having phone sex, and even then, it was mostly sexting) and that’s pretty much a bullshit way to handle a relationship. I told myself that it was OK while I was in it. My Ex worked endless hours in his restaurant and was pretty much toast when he wasn’t working, so knowing that, I think I made the mistake of just going with the texting flow, after the initial “courting” stage was over. Bad move. I can’t remember a single time in the last year when my Ex and I just chatted on the phone for the sake of chatting, and, in reflecting on that startling fact, I also realize that when we did talk on the phone (with our pants on), it was literally to make plans about a date. If I had good news about a client project, about something my son was doing, etc., I’d send him a text and would appreciate his somewhat quick response assuming he was not in the middle of dinner service, but that shouldn’t have been sufficient and I’m here to say I didn’t speak up about it. I wanted more phone calls from him, but…I let it slide since our together time was so good. I also told myself, “Oh, he’s perpetually exhausted, and anyway, who has time to yak on the phone?” As I endlessly say to anyone who’s listening, I “talk” for a living, so in fact, I do understand that default slide to texting. Which is why today, sometimes, the last thing I want to do is chat with someone I’m dating, in between getting together, although I know that’s how connections are deepened.

And therefore, I sort of feel like what I want out of dating communiques is not entirely…I dunno…reasonable?

Put it this way — when I think about it, I believe that what I truly desire is the maddening combination of regular communication, but not too much of it. In other words, I want to know you’re thinking about me, even if I don’t feel like talking to you. For that matter, it’s kind of reciprocal. I want you to know I’m thinking about you, even if you don’t feel like talking to me.

Regular “check ins” are a drag, IMO. I’m reminded of the time that one of my Super Nice Guy boyfriends (who I wrote about in this post) called me around 630 p.m., ahead of me going to dinner with some friends. We chatted for a bit and then I said I was heading out. “Ok, call me when you get home,” he said, to which I asked, puzzled, “Why?” He said, “So I can say goodnight,” to which I replied, “But we’re saying good night now. When I get home, I’m gonna go to sleep. This IS good night.” He laughed it off, but I wasn’t entirely kidding around. I don’t like a mandated Good Night or an everyday Good Morning call — it feels very forced.

I’ve been thinking about phone calls versus texts since I just went through a round of meeting new men, some of whom I’m still getting to know, some of whom are not for me. In last week’s post, I offered up the first installment on what I’m calling The Dating Chronicles, summarizing what happened when I went on Dates 1 through 5 1/2. If you read that, you know that I liked Date #2, AKA, Mister T., enough to go on a second date with him just ahead of that post. Mister T. reads this Substack and after reading last week’s post, he texted me something that began with “I pity the fool…” cementing his charm in my book, and likewise, being very, well, Mr. T.

Also, hey, Mister T., thank you for reminding me how much I love The Replacements, which is who I’m listening to as I write this. (This marks the first time I am shouting out to a man I am dating on this Substack when I know for a fact he’s reading me, as opposed to the guy [of course another chef] who was ferociously flirting with me via texts and DMs and reading my Substack — a guy whose on-off girlfriend sent me over a dozen DMs about what a terrible person he was until I blocked both of them because that just made me sad. She also told me she reads me, and since there are lots of people who don’t subscribe but rather just lurk, to her, I’m going to take this opportunity to say, “I wish you nothing but peace.”)

Mister T. and I occasionally speak on the phone (he kept me company as I drove home from NYC last week ahead of Memorial Day weekend) and we are in regular text communication, but there are times when I don’t hear from him, and I don’t give it a second thought. This is precisely the manner in which I am in touch with my closest friends; if we go a few days without a check in, I never think that our connection is lost. I just think, or even know, that we’re busy people and that we’ll eventually catch up.

Speaking of that first round of dates, do you remember when I said that Date #5 ½ had made plans and canceled on me twice because of work? Over the weekend, he reached out and said that some family stuff had gotten a little gruesome (he had alluded to this in an earlier convo) and asked if we could we do a “phone date” since we wouldn’t be able go out in person any time soon.

I said no thanks. Am I terrible?

Listen, as I previously wrote, Date #5 1/2 had canceled on me a few times for work deadlines so the last thing I wanted to do was try to be engaged, charming, and curious ON THE PHONE since we barely know each other. And who has phone dates, anyway? (If you do, I’d love to know! Email me at whatsshovegottodowithit@gmail.com and tell me about it.)

Related, I think I mentioned that I had another round of dates planned after that first blush, so let’s dispense with that update now. A few of them were very nice (it’s kind of weird to discuss that here with Mister T. reading along but we’re both dating, and we’re both grown-ups, so there you go). And then one of the aforementioned newly planned dates was supposed to be with a guy who belongs to a social media group that I also frequent, so when he said he’d be passing through Woodstock, I agreed to meet him for a coffee. A singer-songwriter, he also told me he was writing for a pilot and asked if he could send me a few tunes. I was at the Brimfield Antiques Fair with my pal Susan when the first few songs came through via an email. Reception at Brimfield is spotty at best, so I didn’t have time (or Wi-Fi) to listen. However, when I DID get back in Wi-Fi range, not only did I see his email with the list of song links in it, but I also got EIGHT (that would be 8) voicemails from him, asking what I thought of the songs. Did I mention there were eight voicemails? I canceled coffee.

(BTW, here’s photo of me after my semi-impromptu third date with Mister T. yesterday, after he kissed off all of my lipstick. Did I mention that I like him? I was buying slices of cake at Nine Cakes Hudson because 1. There is nothing better than buying slices of cake and 2. This was about an hour before the #notmypresidentever verdict was delivered, so clearly, I was buying cake because I am psychic.)

I said I’d mention the outliers in my phone/texting/other poll. Let me start with my pal B. who is a lover of a good AUDIO MESSAGE. She often communicates with her boyfriends via audio message, which she finds hot and Ok, I can see that POV. You also can replay an audio message at will, as well as share the latest with your girlies, so you can giggle together like Angela and Rayanne over the growls and purrs.

And then there are those utterly impractical people who say that they prefer a love letter. Now, YOU are my kind of people! I love, love, love, love a love letter or a sexy little note. As I continue to date, I suppose that I will once again fill up my coffers with cards, cards that are just aching to be sent, full of my scribbly bad penmanship, to the object of my affection. Send ME a love note or a well-written stoopid soppy card? Jesus, I’m such a lightweight. Game over.

*Before I sign off, I want to swing back around to those who prefer to only texts. I’m fascinated by Instagram dating coach Sabrina Zohar and her take on the anxiety that comes from text-specific dating, like this, and this, and this, all of which is content on @do.the.work.podcast. I’ve been following Sabrina, and others like her, because I’m curious to hear how dating advice is being filtered over social media, particularly to the Youngsters. If you’re dating, see if any of this resonates with your experience, even as a Young Old, or share her IG with your daughters, nieces, et al, if anxiety from texting is their thing.

Also, I think she’s hot.

(At top: Debbie Harry, hanging on the telephone, and more in this piece. Also, my pal Chris Stein’s new book, UNDER A ROCK: A MEMOIR, is avail for pre-order for all you Blondie fans!)