Vol. 1, Post #18 The Dating Chronicles, Part I
Dates 1 through 5 ½ …I am nothing if not thorough. My ongoing sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A modern love odyssey for Young Olds, AKA, people with readers.
About a month ago, my friend JF sent me a screenshot of a group text from a social group to which he belongs and in it, one of his pals was telling the group about a “new writer on Substack” that she was enjoying. JF sent me the screenshot with a note that read, “That’s YOU!” and likewise, intro’d me to his pal who had posted the compliment. After giving hearty thanks, JF and I started chatting privately and I asked him how dating was treating him. Among the things we discussed? OKCupid.
Whaaaaaaaat? OKCupid???? I thought OKC went the way of the dinosaurs, flip phones, and DSLR cameras but come to think of it, now that the Youngsters have embraced flip phones and DSLR cameras, dinosaurs AND OKC must be back in vogue.
But here’s the great part of OKC, as I recently discovered. There’s not a youngster to be seen. It’s all Young Olds.
This post is about my return to dating, and as mentioned, so far, I’ve gone on five (and a half) dates. Three of those dates were with people who I met in real life (IRL) or via social media connections and clients, and two of the dates are from OKC. I’ll reveal to you at the end of this post who is leading the pack, so to speak (one of whom reads my column, so I’ll be curious to see what he says about all of this, when he sees this in print).
Let’s start with OKC since I hadn’t thought about it since 2016 or so, when I met Jeffrey The Doctor on it. Some of you might remember JTDoc. We had a fast and furious multi-month romance that ended when he told me that he was having ongoing concerns that I’d leave him for a younger man, since he was 17 years older than me *and btw, he lied about his age online, revealing the truth on our first date. Don’t forget about that, the lying; we’re going to circle back around to it in a minute.
I can’t help but be a total cunt and say two more things about JTDoc: First, he was “correct” in that all of my boyfriends since him have been eight or nine years younger than me, so I guess I do prefer younger men, but second, after JTDoc broke up with me, citing this fear, I saw him back online a few months later, lying about his age (he made himself even younger this time around) and also writing on his profile that he “valued honesty above all else.” Ahem (<<< that was the cunty part).
Anyhoo, after my pal JF told me that he had been browsing on OKC, I was intrigued to see what had changed in the near decade since I had last looked at it, so I went online, making a quicky profile and taking a sniff around. JF was correct. Unlike Bumble, which had been my go-to dating app the last time I went online, OKC seemed to be, well, more solid.
When I was on *Bumble, the “bee line,” (which is the “waiting room” where [hetero] men wait for [hetero] women to initiate) held thousands of men. Thousands. I always thought that seemed insane. Not that there were thousands of men who wanted to chat with me, because I do think I’m pretty great, but because it seemed ridiculous. And, as suspected, many of those thousands were wholly NOT what I was looking for in a date.
*Also, I think Bumble has changed its set-up recently to allow men and women to both make the first move, but I’m not entirely sure. So, if you’re using Bumble, please chime in on the comments and let me know if this is correct!
On OKC, you can write a lot about what you are looking for. A. Lot. As much as you desire, basically, so I wrote up a profile that was entirely different from any other dating profile I’d ever put online (and again, I hadn’t been online in a few years.).
I outlined exactly who I am, exactly what I am looking for, exactly what I am NOT looking for, and told a few stories. Here’s the intro to my profile:
Within a couple of hours, my “likes” list had populated with about 300 (See? Not THOUSANDS) eligible men, many of whom had profiles that I enjoyed perusing and 20+ of whom I “liked” back. As I had written on my profile that I was busy in the rest of my life and assumed my potential dates were as well, I said I would only respond to men who had fleshed out a decent profile or who wrote me intros that were more than a wave and a “Hi, Beautiful.” Again, almost of the men who tried to get in touch with me on OKC did just that – said more than hello with a comment about my looks.
I was really impressed. As the next few days unfolded, I set up dates with a handful of men, both on OKC and likewise, made plans with the other men I had met IRL. Ready to hear? Here we go!
Date #1 was a walk-and-talk and we had what I can call a “pleasant” chat, save for one truly puzzling and slightly funny/annoying fact: the pal who had intro’d us had told me that my date was in his late 50s and this was clearly NOT the case (paging Jeffrey The Doctor!). Age came up at some point, and I asked him what year he was born. He was evasive and mentioned that “it’s kind of a funny story.” Um, no it’s not. I tried another tact, based on where we live: “I was one during Woodstock; how old were you?” To that he answered, “Older than you.” As we wrapped our walk and shook hands, I considered telling him that lying about your age is a Deadly Sin in dating (see above) but thought better of it and decided to only bring it up if he asked me out again. Which he did. Which I declined. And then I told him why.
Date #2 was an OKC date, and we made a drinks plan with the idea of moving into dinner if drinks went well. It was a great date. We had endless stories to share and there was not only zero lag in conversation, but he was precisely how he presented himself in his profile. At one point in the date, we both shared that neither of us were the other’s physical “type.” I had been thinking about that for some time leading up to the date, as well as while we sat sipping and snacking. Mister T, as I’ll call him, was fair, thin, and prob. a tish shorter than me. My “type,” as it were, is dark hair and dark eyes, average build to beefier than average, and taller than me. Much taller if possible. Mister T. was used to dating (and had married) more petite women than I. Strangely, neither of one of us seemed bothered by this. I was listening to Mister T. tell stories during our date, noting that he was completely unlike the last lover I had, but at the same time, enjoying his tales, his ease, and his passion for the topics we were covering, all of which made him very attractive to me. When we finished dinner and he walked me to my car, I was happy to kiss him, more than once. Second date was booked.**
**I need to alert one of my besties, SC, that I managed to work Goodfellas into our good night kiss on the date. Mister T. told me he was a fan of the flick, and as SC and I always say, “oh SURE you are” because NO ONE plays Goodfellas like we do. Stashed in my car was my new, ridiculously great Goodfellas handmade hoodie from Nick Scacchetti and I was excited to show it off to Mister T., also laughing because I told him I had something in my car for him to see, and it wasn’t Billy Batts.
Hoodie - find Nick on IG (I’ll add a link in here when I’m not en route to the city):
Date #3 was with a man I met on OKC who I’ll call Aging Rock Star because that’s precisely what he looked like: if Mick lived in the Hudson Valley. An ad executive who knew my ex-husband (my Darling Ex is somewhat known in his field, and I always enjoy when I meet people socially who then, inevitably say, “YOU were married to Barry?”) as well as an artist, we had a drinks and then dinner as well. He scored big points with me because we ran into about a dozen people I knew in uptown Kingston and he handled it with grace and flair – it’s super annoying to go on a date with me in my community because I know a lot of people, but he was cool with it. Speaking of cool, I initially wasn’t sure he was enjoying our date; he seemed a bit standoffishly at first, until I realized…oh…he’s NERVOUS. We agreed that we’d go out again as well.
Date #4 was a creative director at an entertainment company and in a word, it was a horrible date. We met for a drink, and I know from the moment I saw him outside of the bar where we were meeting that I wanted to go home. He looked NOTHING like his social media photos (this was a fix up, via a client) and when I expressed surprise, like, “oh, wow, you’re YOU!” he told me, “Yeah, I should upload some newer photos of me on Facebook; most of them are really old.” But that wasn’t the worst part. This was: he was into…puns. Puns and stupid jokes. He couldn’t stop. I thought I was going to faint. After we finished our cocktail and the waiter asked if we wanted a table, I said no thanks and asked for the check, telling my date that I wanted to pay and that, likewise, “I am so appreciative that ___ thought we should meet, but we are not a match.”
Dear Readers, you should’ve seen his face. I felt like I had just run over a puppy. He asked, “Really? I was hoping we’d click. I like all the things I had heard about you” to which I replied, “So did I, but I don’t think we mesh, physically.” What I meant was, I’d never want to fuck you, so I hoped he would “get” it and that we could say goodbye. Because by then, I was FAMISHED and wanted to move to a table and eat a burger. By myself.
SC, this (blurry) screengrab from Moonstruck is also for you! Mwah!
Date #5 – in three words, “bless his heart.” Another NO from the moment the date got underway. No biggie. He did, to his credit, ask me for feedback after I told him I was ready to split after a quick coffee. He was newly divorced and wanted some advice as he was just “learning” to date again. That takes balls.
And that brings us to Date #5½, who I’ll call The Editor, as that’s what he does, for a fairly big media company. I can’t say too much about him yet, since he’s made two dates with me and canceled both times because of deadlines. I’m not entirely amused by this, but at the same time, I also don’t entirely care. Dating is supposed to be fun and light-hearted and if he comes through, I’ll go. If he dinks again, he’s out. I very much admire the media for which he works, I can’t lie, so that’s part of the appeal, and our paths have crossed professionally, so I’m keeping this L-I-T-E.
At this point, Dear Reader, are you exhausted? I’m not. I have a few more dates lined up for the next couple of weeks (including a date with a man who my pal Tara intro’d to me while I stomped around Brimfield Antiques Fair last week, saying she thought I might like him. She then sent along a screenshot of his IG, and I said, “Oh how HILARIOUS! I think I saw him in my OKCupid ‘likes’ lineup!” Indeed, I had. For no reason other than THAT, I HAVE to go on a date with him.
Dating does not have to be drag, nor a big whoop, and I know that’s not just my thinking. To that end, I asked my larger social media circles of women to tell me some great first date stories. Here’s a smattering:
One pal shared with me a story about going on an island vacation and while awaiting the arrival of her friends, she met up with a Brit who played pool like boss, as does she, so they were inseparable for the length of her vacation and upon their return to NYC, which felt like one big first date, even though the relationship went on for months.
I love this story from a friend who told me about TWO first dates on the same day, the second being the keeper: “He was vulnerable, funny, inquisitive. My usual first date interview turned into a conversation. I stayed for three hours. At some point, he confessed that he’d only been on two other dates since his twenty-year marriage imploded, so when he told me he wanted to see me again, I told him not to expect monogamy after a plate of tacos. I also encouraged him to date and call me in six months if he still remembered me. He texted the next morning, and pretty much every morning until we moved in together 18 months later.”
Likewise, how about THIS story? My Lady N. came out of a long-term, fairly sexless relationship that she hesitated to leave for fear of “what’s next.” She says of her new boyfriend, G. regarding their first date, “I often wonder why and wish that we'd met sooner and when I was younger. Maybe I wasn't ready for him yet though. Maybe he wasn't ready for me. I was just me on that first date-no put-ons, no nothing.” Further, she thanks her girlfriends for encouraging her to find herself through love. “A women's group I'm in truly pumped me full of strength with their stories of finding love later in life after ending relationships. I put out a call for hope, and they full-on delivered. Without them and their support, I'm not sure I'd have found the strength to look for what I really wanted. I'm forever grateful to these people. A few in particular including two who I have never met in person were truly there for me on a select few nights that I was crushed with fear, regret and hopelessness. Again, I'm forever grateful for their generosity. I promised myself that for my new go around, I'd be sure that the person would be someone whose body I delighted in being around. I wanted to lust after the person, make out for hours, take in his smell.” Sounds like she found in G. - In less than a month, she and her new love are going gallivanting around Romania!
And…MORE than one pal told me that they had “meh” first dates with the men with whom they ended up marrying or partnering, so, there’s that too.
Call me an optimist, but I think dating as a Young Old isn’t so bad. Also, Postscript: Mister T. and I just had a great second date, which involved cheese fondue that he adorably made from a recipe AND a weirdo pirate bar in a historic inn here in the Hudson Valley. I mean…
Oh, and screenshot from top? A still from No No Yes, from Mel Brooks “History Of The World, Part 1.” #iykyk #nonoyes — a girl can dream, right? Happy hunting, Dear Readers. If you want help writing your online profile, just ask.