Vol. 2, Post #71 The NO as a YES

It's a thing and FUCK, it's powerful. My weekly sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, (people with readers).

This week’s post is about the sexy simplicity of nope, even though it often takes more strength than we suspect to remain firmly in that camp. But first…Inquiring minds who are wondering about my date with Mr. Madison last week? The guy who breaks 3 outta 4 of my formerly ironclad dating rules?

IT WAS SMOKING HOT.

Like, it was reeeeeeeally good. It was probably the best first date I’ve been on since B. (my partner who I lived with in Astoria; we broke up in 2022). I am pretty excited for what’s coming next. I’ll write more about this after I bang out the basis for THE NO.

I’M GOING TO BE TALKING, BRIEFLY, ABOUT THE NEW SEASON OF “THE BEAR” SO SKIP ON DOWN TO THE NEXT VISUAL IF YOU WANT TO AVOID ANY POTENTIAL SPOILERS — although I think I’ve done my best to not give away anything too pivotal.

OK, ready?

Again, those of you who are watching THE BEAR and need to scroll…are you doing that? YES CHEF, and HANDS please (groan, sorry).

In Episode 3, Season 4 of “The Bear,” we come to the moment that most viewers have been dreaming about…a conversation between Carmy and Claire. I won’t go into what specifically happened during the conversation, but I will say this was a barometer of sorts, a way to gauge how we (the Young Old demographic in the viewing audience) view fated romance, whether its doomed or blessed.

Last week, I wrote on social media that I was looking for commentary from anyone who had watched this episode with the general hope (hope against hope? we shall see) that Claire would take back Carmy. I got a few dozen responses from those who binged the new season like me. Here are some of the highlighted answers to my question: Were you wishing that Claire gave Carmy another chance after that first attempt at a chat in Episode 3, when they sat together on the stoop, or were you happy that she held her ground for the time being?

AND…once again, HELLO?!?!?!! Those of you who want to avoid spoilers? BEHIND!

Both men and women answered the call. Here you go:

• Oh, good question! It was mixed! The romantic in me desperately wanted her to take him in her arms and for them to heal the rift right there and live happily ever after. It was a gut punch when she walked away. But, this show is too real for a fairy tale ending like that. I like that he gave a sincere and raw apology, and took full ownership of his own baggage and the hurt he caused, but that while she appreciated it, it didn’t immediately erase the hurt or rebuild the trust they lost. It should take time to rebuild something once lost; one grand gesture doesn’t instantly fix the problems they faced, and she has her own pain and trauma to work through. It will take him showing up and making a consistent effort, showing real growth and real effort for her to trust him again. If he can do that, if he can be there and let her in consistently over time, then maybe she can start to trust him again.

• I’m happy she held her ground. She knows her worth, and she is still working at collecting herself and getting over what happened. For her to just agree would not honor all that effort. If it’s that hard to apologize, it means you are going through the situation in your head a million times to try to find a way to make it not your fault.

• I think it was good she held her ground but honestly, I don’t think she should have given him as much time as she did. The inability to just genuinely apologize if you fuck up is something that really drives me crazy. Rectify it or fuck off and just continue ruining your own life. That guy needs to be alone until he can stop lying to himself about who he is.

• I was shocked that she didn’t give him another chance. I don’t know that I would say I was happy she didn’t necessarily, but I was really proud that she didn’t? She acted in a way that I wished I could’ve acted in a similar situation.

• On a certain level, as a TV viewer, and as a man that has been sorry and wanted to be let off the hook with as little pain as possible once realizing the error of his ways—and I mean, the poor guy was terribly ineloquent and was trying really hard but managed to actually say I’m sorry which is very hard for him (as it is for many people—ed: I’ve never understood that; I am really strongly compelled to apologize any time I feel I’ve been selfish or uncharitable. But some people be like that!)….anyway, in that sense, yeah I wanted to see them get back together because I think the most heart-warming, best EVENTUAL outcome is that they are together and can respect and love each other while navigating issues in a healthy way. That’d be nice and they can have the aperture close on them kissing at the altar roll credits. And fundamentally I want it to work because I like Carmy and I like Clairebear. That being said, from strictly Carmy’s perspective, he needs someone he can’t just be a dick to and treat like a kicked dog. He has to learn to not be a psycho. He is now trying, but that doesn’t solve the issue, but definitely is the hard and noble first step in a journey of 1000 miles that, regardless of whether or not it wins him Claire’s heart, is going to make him a much better and happier person. Claire at the least needs to have the strength to hold him to sustained consistency (with perhaps some understanding that he will still screw up here and there). Claire needs to know that he not only loves her, but that he listens to and respects her. And Carmy needs to know that he listens to and respects her, too. So I’d say I’m team Claire. But I want Carmy to be properly Team Claire, too.

Summation? None of my responders said they were disappointed that Claire left Carmy hanging. Not one.

And I’m with them, because Claire (in the way she ended the conversation, which I agree was shocking and a total BOSS move that I wish I’d made in similar situations, like one of my Dear Readers commented above) harnessed the power of No.

OK, to ALL of my Dear Readers, everyone back in the water! It’s safe!

So while we’re not going to discuss what will happen next with Carmy and Claire (that’s not a spoiler for y’all, right? Because of course, duh, we all knew they’d talk or run into each other at some point this season, and that’s all I’ll say), we can collectively most likely agree that the power of saying “No,” the power of recognizing “Not For Me In This Moment,” the power of walking away when walking is the last thing you want to do, confounds almost everyone at some point. It’s particularly painful and jarring when you think you’ve “gotten over” the hurt, isn’t it? Kind of like the reason that endless blog posts and pop psychology articles are written about the uncanny ability that so many exes have to somehow show up just as you think you are truly over them.

In my last serious relationship (with the last chef I will ever date who reminds me so much of Carmy - with regard to his avoidant tendencies — that I needed a cigarette after my last weekend binge and, ahem, I NEVER smoked, not even as a teen), well…

So many times, I willingly glided right back onto Fantasy Island with him, even though nothing had changed after we took breaks, and we took a lot of breaks. He hadn’t done the work and me? I was still pretending that with or without the work, I wanted to make us whole. I believed in us. Only I couldn’t do it. No one can do it when there’s only one person attempting to hold together a relationship that is marked by one person’s self-sabotage and another person’s desperate attempt to heal that person through either good intentions, codependency, or both.

Nope.

And now, back to my date with Madison last week. One of the reasons it was so great was because I was ready to welcome him into my life from a place of No. Hear me out.

On one hand, here were the Yes bullet points:

• Amazing banter and curiosity from the get-go. Not an acknowledgment of him “checking boxes” that make him a potentially good boyfriend. I don’t know enough about him yet to even check boxes and further, I don’t WANT to check boxes at this point.

• Immediate attraction to each other. I was doing all that girlie shit that women do on dates when they are hot for someone: twirling my hair, batting my eyelashes, touching his arm as we spoke, locking eyes. He was doing all of the boy stuff that they do when they are captivated: locking eyes right back at me, adorably stammering a bit as he told me he was nervous because he was so fascinated by me, chiming in to finish a sentence when I was telling a story that contained a detail or two from another story I told him weeks earlier (showing me he was a good listener).

• We laughed like hell. I mean, I was doubled over at one point, practically peeing my pants.

• And of course, the good-night kiss was more than just a kiss. He had his hands in my hair and my hands were on the back of his neck, pulling our bodies in towards one another. There was real hunger.

And none of that really matters, because here’s the No bullet point and it’s a GOOD NO:

• If he ends up being a boyfriend, a lover, or a partner, nothing that he shared with me about his life made me want to say, “Oh, let me help you with that.” He’s got PLENTY going on, like you and me. He’s a Young Old (53) and like us, there is ex-wife bullshit, and kid bullshit, and aging parents bullshit, blah blah blah. And none of it will fall into my lap, because not only does it seem like he has zero intent on looping me into it, I HAVE ZERO INTENT OF BEING LOOPED INTO IT. No thanks.

That one No makes all the other Yeses even more Yes-Tastic. That I’ve come to place in my own relationship roadmap where I’m only taking highways and byways that are designed for two responsible, conscientious “drivers,” if you will. No tow trucks allowed. You carry yours. I’ll carry mine.

Up at the top^^^, a spiral bound lined notebook from (IG handle) effinbirds. I handed that notebook to a friend of mine last week as she began to negotiate an unexpected breakup with a boyfriend she thought was in line to be a real life partner. As it turns out, he is not. He’s got things to sort out that have very little, even zero, to do with her, but the shock and hurt really suckerpunched her and like all of us, she immediately shifted into “I can help” mode, along with “Let me show you how reasonable and loving and supportive I can be while you splash around in a pool of self-hatred.” We — our mutual friends and I — listened and nodded and poured cocktails while she recapped conversations between them that she couldn’t believe had morphed from loving into leaving. And to every question she asked us, regarding if she should call him, text him, check in with him, yell at him, remind him of the love they shared? One answer. No.

Dear Friend, I hope you are writing in your notebook and reminding yourself why his work is not your work and even more importantly, how vital it is to learn to stay in the No. Perhaps your Former will do the work he needs to do and become your Future. For now, you know what to do.

And finally, since this has come up THREE TIMES this week, let’s all honor not-so-Young Old Madge by enjoying this oldie. When I was getting divorced from my son’s father, a good friend and a closeted Madonna fan shared with me that he played this song non-stop during this divorce. He was right. It was cathartic. And besides my pal armed with her No notebook to whom I recommended a listen, another pal told me that he was also singing along with this “Ray Of Light” hit from 1998 as he navigates a breakup and life change of his own.

I think it’s actually such a poignant ballad that I’ll include the lyrics below.

Know thyself, Dear Readers. No thyself…

“The Power Of Good-Bye”

(And I’ll dedicate this to my ex, the one I wrote about here, the one who really broke my heart, the one I had to let go because his No’s, in response to my Yes’s, had gotten too loud for me to ignore. It was really hard and I fantasized for over a year that he’d come back changed. I know some of you get that, Dear Readers. I see you.)

Your heart is not open
So I must go
The spell has been broken
I loved you so

Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson
I had to learn
I was your fortress
You had to burn

Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do you wanna go higher?

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Your heart is not open
So I must go
The spell has been broken
I loved you so

You were my lesson
I had to learn
I was your fortress

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye

There's nothing left to try
There's no more places to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye