Vol. 2, Post #70 Breaking ALL the rules

Why I'm relishing "short term dating" and why y'all might too. Sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, (people with readers).

At the end of last week’s post, I wrote that I’m in convos with a few new men about “dating goals” and how I agreed with one of them who said he was more of a “short term” guy at this point, in that he wasn’t sure what he wanted, so he thought he would begin by sussing out a short-term relationship with potential to grow into a longer-term one, rather than just say he was looking for a life partner, etc.

And that I agreed with this guy? Well, a few of you were unhappy about that and one of you was actually super pissed off!

“Abbe, I understand that you don’t want to rush into anything with someone new, particularly someone who is making you feel pressured to make a commitment before you feel ready, but I think it’s a slippery slope to encourage men to think more short-term.”

“If you let men tell you they are in it for the short-term, in less than six months — believe me, I’ve been there — they will tell you they want to be non-monogamous, or that they are curious about poly and no thank you!”

And here’s the pissed off message:

“My immediate response to what you wrote? Kind of like, ‘Seriously? it’s bad enough that men think this is OK. You think it’s OK too?’ Wow. I think that’s a lazy cop out. I kind of thought you’d have higher standards.”

I guess this pushed a button for some of you Dear Readers. So let’s go. Shorter-term relationships in mid-life or later, with the option to get more expansive as desired. Pros, cons, all of it. And this is for the menfolk too, not just my lady loves.

Two great articles that came out last week which speak to some of the reasons that I’m keeping things as light and airy as a cottage cheese diet plate (something your mom or grandmother would order at lunch if they were “watching” their figures).

Here’s the first — from The New York Times. I’ve made it a gift link so you should be able to read it for free: From the Modern Love section, entitled: Men, where have you gone? Please come back.

The second piece is from VICE: Mankeeping Is Why Women Are Done With Dating.

The Times piece talks about the general non-committed/fade to black/deflated laziness of modern dating in general, and how women are not looking for some storybook romance nonsense, but rather, for a man who shows up and is invested in staying present, even when it gets weird, even when you have to open your mouth and actually be vulnerable. It cites adult male-led patterns of ghosting, too much scrolling, and vague communication skills. And it offers proper, solemn yearning and mourning for those fabled men who want to engage as part of dating, not just dip a toe in to a few different ponds and then hide behind watching your stories on IG.

The VICE piece speaks to what researchers have known for years, which is that many men are in fact severely lacking in friendships with male peers and therefore, make their mates into their everything — their social secretaries, therapists, fashion consultants, mommies, lovers, etc…and that as a result, more midlife-aged women are staying single because they are sick to death of tending to all of that. Here’s a few lines from the piece:

Mankeeping describes the emotional labor women end up doing in heterosexual relationships. It goes beyond remembering birthdays or coordinating social plans. It means being your partner’s one-man support system. Managing his stress. Interpreting his moods. Holding his hand through feelings he won’t share with anyone else. All of it unpaid, unacknowledged, and often unreciprocated.

The root of the issue is tied to what experts are calling the male loneliness epidemic. As more men report having fewer close friendships, romantic partners are expected to pick up the slack. Instead of processing with friends, many men offload everything onto the woman they’re dating. She becomes his entire emotional infrastructure.

To the Times piece, it’s easy to say “Try not to be a dick” but to the VICE piece, it’s a more complicated mess to untangle. And rather than rolling up my sleeves and diving in, instead, I’m suggesting an alternative. Light. Cottage cheese light, if you will.

Toss your rule book. I have. It’s NOT about lowering your standards. It’s about acknowledging the seismic shift in what you REALLY WANT, vs. what society has attempted to condition you to think you ought to want.

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about. When I’ve been single over these last five years, I’ve had a few “rules” in place that I’ve lived by when it came to dating (I’ve bent the rules in some capacities in the past but these were my ideal “hard stop no’s.”) Here ya go:

• No kids at home.

• Firmly divorced. Not separated.

• No substance issues whatsoever.

• Liberals only.

So, right now?

The lead contender in the assortment of men I am enjoying, and looking forward to meeting in person after chatting online and now progressing to texting and phone chat? Well, he’s got kids at home, is not quite divorced, and is sober.

Yup.

OK, THE LIBERAL RULE? NON-NEGOTIABLE. The rest? Well…

It’s not so much of a “Make plans, God laughs” thing…it’s that I’m really listening to what people are telling me when I meet them in this capacity of potentially being someone I could date. How do they make me feel? Curious? Great. Seen? Great. Do they make me laugh? Wonderful. Do they turn me on? Perfection.

This guy — let’s call him Mister Madison — is saying ALL the right things and pushing all the right buttons. Our first conversation started off with me basically calling him a Super Freak based on something he wrote on his Hinge profile about his guilty pleasure song (and he gave back as quick and hard as I served it out). He’s super smart, very engaged; he asks great questions and not too many of them. He gives full access answers to anything I’ve asked him about, including his about-to-be finalized divorce (and it’s his second — he will be twice divorced like me, so this is not his first Break Up Rodeo; that’s all good, because I don’t think I’d take on a first timer who was still in the throes of it — therefore that “rule” still has some staying power I suppose). He’s spoken to me about his kids, who live at home, saying he’ll have primary custody but has already engaged a coterie of sitters, including his former in-laws, which shows me a tapestry of good will in his family, and I like that too. Given that we don’t live really close to each other, I doubt I’ll have any interaction with his children any time soon if we do start dating and I’m clear about not being a stepparent again in a day in/day out sense of the world. A beloved friend and Auntie Mame? Sure. AND…Madison has been sober long enough (nearly 30 years!) that this is a lifestyle, not an experiment. I have friends in the same boat. That’s all fine with me.

Ahem, and the other thing? Based on the chemistry and banter, I am already imagining what it would be like to fuck him (and I haven’t felt this way in a long time). Madison has got a great voice, a sense of humor, and, like me, he wants to see what happens next. We had a heady convo about a million topics last night on the phone that left me breathless — not about what OUR sex life might look or feel or taste like, but rather, about life and sex and sex lives and it was, in (two words) MOTHERFUCKING HOT in all the right ways. Nothing too personal; just adults boldly sharing, and, related, talking about the most recent fucking that they’ve explored, and who else they are chatting with on Hinge. Utterly refreshing. Did I mention he’s getting me hot?

I will be Madison’s first real date in 15 years, he told me (unless he schedules another date before ours on Friday, ha). Keeping that in mind, IF he told me that he was interested in dating with long-term relationship or life partner goals in mind at this point while he is so fresh out of the gate, I’d run so fucking fast and hard that your head with spin. Madison — like me — is just starting to think about what he might want to entertain next, so it all gets to look as dreamy and creamy as a big dollop of cottage cheese.

In the now year and a half since I’ve been writing this Substack, I’ve careened from a long-distance multi-year red-hot but mercurial relationship, to some more close-range AKA local casual dating, to my former Nice Guy boyfriend, to sniffing around Hinge with fledgling interest but not any go-go-go. My last live-in relationship ended in 2022. I had thought that it was time to pursue the “next chapter” life partner but now I’m basically confident that I’m sure he/she/they will show up whenever the puzzle pieces fall into place, and not a moment before they do.

The idea of Madison or anyone else who has an arsenal of stuff going on besides dating me gives me PLENTY of time to truly put into action this deep-seated desire to connect with any number of people and just figure it out as I go along. To be present, but at the same time, to float downstream with the current.

Because, back to The Times and VICE, the emotionally vacant swipers who are afraid of intimacy, along with those men who seem to want their mamas to pack them lunch, wipe their asses, put gold stars on their charts, and then fuck them…now, THAT is what’s wrong with dating today. Not the people (including me) who are fine to coast a bit, while at the same time being honest and forthright about their needs and desires. In other words, let’s all try to follow the (very few) Golden Rules.

Dating, after all, is supposed to be FUN.

Clarifier — since I’ve paid homage to dating coaches like Sabrina Zohar and others who warn against dating people who say, “I’m not sure what I’m looking for” I need to say this again — I AM sure of what I’m looking for, and that’s someone (or someones) who best fits this New (Young Old) World Order, which looks very little like the midlife years that your parents or grandparents enjoyed and expected you to subscribe to as well.

I don’t think that staying slightly easy-breezy on end-game dating goals give men (or women) permission to fuck anyone over, to get out of commitment, to bait-and-switch from monogamy to poly or ENM. I think, rather, that it gives all of us overworked, overtaxed, over stressed, sleep deprived, technology battered, short attention span suffering adults a real opportunity to just exhale and see how being with someone new feels. How. It. Actually. Just. FEELS.

And, honestly, people? We’re Young Olds. It’s time to trust yourself and your boundaries, and if you have crappy boundaries, then THIS is your work. You’re going to let someone talk you in to a scenario that is not appealing to you (poly or ENM when you want something traditional, for example) when it comes to your precious love life and even more precious free time? You most certainly are not. C’MON!

But in the meantime, don’t assume that just because they don’t want to get married again, they are simply playing you. What if they’re are not? What if this just an opportunity to take a chance and learn something about your own expansiveness?

That’s where I am.

I’m not looking to confuse someone or lead anyone on with promises about commitments when I’m not feeling it (Mr. Clean, as example, deserves someone ready to meet him where he is). Madison might be too freshly out-of-the-box single in the end, or I might get decide that I want someone less tied to kids’ schedules and visitation. So one of us might get our expectations stomped on and therefore, one of us might get hurt. The point being — if that’s all that’s at stake, there is nothing to be afraid of. I’ve been hurt. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that.

Hit it, Wooderson.