Vol. 2, Post #57 Pants On Fire
As in, liar, liar. Dipshits & what society tells you about dating stats. My sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). An odyssey for Young Olds, (people with readers).
^^^A still from The Fabulous Baker Boys. Why? You’ll see.
Before we start this week, I need to be really clear on something. Last week, I wrote about a bumbling ex of mine who seemingly never learned his lesson when it came to boundaries with other women and this week, I’m outing two Hudson Valley, NY-based morons that have really outdone themselves in terms of bad dating behavior, but this is NOT about the things that MEN do wrong when it comes to dating, as Young Olds, or in general. It’s really about lying for the sake of lying. Women, of course, can be just as guilty of lying when it comes to early relationship/dating protocol, but for some reason, men (some men) seem to have cornered the market on this crappy behavior, which causes women to “panic” around dating in various ways, some of them unfounded and in fact, prompted by societal influence. And I think I know why.
As we age, women are conditioned to believe that there is a scarcity of men, a lack of which is so pronounced that you better grab “a good one” while you can, since there are so many other women out there vying for the attention of the few that remain. But actually, that’s bullshit. Look up any population stats or survey from recent years and it’s ROUGHLY 90 single men for every 100 single women. I’d hardly call that a paucity of available potential suitors.
Even if you don’t easily date or meet people via work or social situations, you’re just not going to convince me that somehow there are these HOARDS of women stampeding around in the hopes of landing one of the nearly extinct, legendary single men out there who are age appropriate, emotionally intelligent, financial stable potential partners. You’re not.
I get it that there are entire businesses devoted to helping women discern how to speak to and interact with men online, some of which offer really good, sound advice (Burned Haystack Dating Method Facebook group comes to mind, as I know some women who enjoy that). I’ve not used any of those groups, but I understand the idea behind them, and basically it’s to help women set standards and boundaries for engaging with men in online dating.
Again, here’s why I think that’s all a bunch of bullshit. Not the fact that women use these services — what I’m calling bullshit on is that someone would NEED a service to screen out the endless array of hideous men from the precious few good guys. That women are unable, on their own, to suss out the nice guy from the creep.
Chalk that right up to the idea that somehow, “bad guys” are the norm; that the “bad guys” wield so much currency by the simple fact that they are single, and that women are just unable to resist them, falling prey to their tricks and scams. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m just not buying it. Society might want to condition us to believe that. Dating apps DEFINITELY want us to believe that, but here is what I’ve learned in the few months that I’ve been single, and not actively dating or opening up apps to peruse out of boredom or fear. It’s so simple. Ready?
At our age, I am SURE that you can spot a liar/a manipulator/a cheater a million miles away and the reason you engage with one is because you tell yourself that he/she/they must have SOME redeeming merit, or, even worse, that you won’t meet someone else.
Those shitty men? The ones we tell stories about over coffee or cocktails? They are BANKING on women thinking there are only 3 men to every 3 billion women, banking on women wringing their hands together, petrified that no one will want to date them or fuck them ever again. DON’T BELIEVE THAT FOR A MINUTE.
For the last two months, I’ve met a few men organically — one or two who are social media friends who have inched closer to let me know they are interested, and one or two who I’ve met randomly when I’ve been out and about in the world. You know what I’ve done about it? Nothing more than just casually chatted or listened to what these men had to say, what they had to offer me about their lives, and how I felt after we spoke or texted.
That’s it.
That’s actually told me all I need to know. Besides none of this being rocket science, just listening/seeing/feeling in the simplest of terms actually works to UNDO something that I think we (both women AND men) have brought upon ourselves via years of communicating on devices, as opposed to meeting up face to face any time we wanted to connect. I think we’ve conditioned ourselves — or been conditioned — to believe we have to “analyze” what someone is saying or doing. Nope. Just take it all at face value and if you like what you hear and see and feel, move ahead. If not, no harm no foul (except when there is — read on for more on that).
Listen, I’m just as guilty of this as you. Someone sends a text that can be “interpreted” several different ways and what do we do? I know what I sometimes do when I forget my own advice. Run scenarios up the flagpole with our friends. Discuss what this could and could not “mean.” It’s just a waste of time — I know it and you know it. Either you’re picking up what someone is putting down, or you’re not.
Yes, you need to be open to dating. Yes, you need to leave your house (as awful as that sounds). Yes, you need to be vulnerable yourself. Yes, you need to be able to toughen your skin so that when it’s not a match, it doesn’t completely undo you. But I KNOW YOU, and I know you can do it. And I also know that when you have a date that seems promising to you, only to end with the person offering you a just a hug or a handshake and a vague “This was fun,” you’re actually smart enough to know that your date is not feeling it, so I know you can tell yourself “NEXT!”* like a big boy or girl and move along, even if it’s difficult, even if you don’t feel like admitting you know that second date is not coming.
(Can you tell I just took a little vacation? I’m so “What Evs” that it’s practically insane).
I mean, am I wrong in assuming that none of you Young Olds are currently dating with the idea of having more children, since this is most likely biologically impossible (at least for the women and for the men, c’mon, seriously, dude)? And do you actually give a damn about getting married or cohabitating in this very moment? I know, I know…if you are dating with the goal of having a committed and serious relationship, those two things (marriage/domestic partnership and living together) come up at some point, but is that the first thing you are thinking about and further, are you thinking about that in this VERY MOMENT? I’m personally too consumed with keeping afloat in these crazy times. Marriage or living together is nice (I’ve done both, more than once) but I’m more concerned with building connection and that starts with kindness. Kindness IS everything. Kindness + Bold = Sexy. That’s what I want. That kind of hot damn connection. The opposite of connection? Everything that goes into lying. And we know that among all of his other gravely offensive crimes, #notmypresidentever is a world-class liar, and a psychopath.
Which brings us to the other part of today’s post, which could also be titled, “Why behave like a douche? Because you can?”
So let’s begin with someone who has come to be known as The Baker Boy in my circle. I’ll only reveal him as Michael and skip his last name, but he lives further upstate. A pastry guy who worked for a world-class chef in NYC. I met Michael online in late 2020 just as we were starting to come out of our COVID slumber (on Bumble) and we had a nice couple of conversations. He asked me to meet him for a walk, and then, a day or so ahead of the date, he canceled, never to reschedule.
It really wasn’t any kind of big deal until I was chatting with a few single friends in the area and TA-DA! Turns out they had ALSO met Michael online, and ALSO had the same experience with him — he asked them out, canceled, and then ghosted them. I thought nothing of it until he messaged me a few months later.
Screenshot below says it all, I think.
Michael was easy pickings in that we just laughed and laughed about what a tool he was, asking ALL of us on fresh air walks or similar, telling ALL of us of how he worked at Lespinasse in Manhattan. Once I sent him ^^^that message and screenshot it to our group, a few of the women (we called ourselves “The Baker’s Dozen”) sent him screenshots of the message too. It was a fleeting but fun tiny moment in an otherwise joyless winter.
The most recent idiot seems more psychotic. First initial P. He dated both X and Y, two friends of mine, getting super close, fast and furious. X was his most recent victim, and, as with Y, he intro’d her to his MOTHER almost immediately, and began to share info about his previous relationships at an alarming pace (X, for example, heard all about Y within a week of starting to date P).
Wait, it gets worse. He told X that if he ever pulled out his debit card to pay for something and it was declined, it’s because his ex-wife had emptied his account. Oh sure. If you think that’s revolting, how about this — when Y first went to his house, he had a framed photo of her by his bed— one that he had printed out from her social media account.
In both instances, P broke up with X and Y after love-bombing them for a week or so (in the case of X) or a few months (in the case of Y). Both were dumbstruck — here was this seemingly open and vulnerable dude who wanted each of them to meet his family, know his life story, be part of his world. No wonder that was so intoxicating — that kind of openness is precisely what CONNECTION is all about. No wonder they were ignoring any red flags — like this one: he moved to the area to live with his mother after his LA filmmaker career stalled. No wonder they both fell into the VERY real and believable vortex of “there are so few good men out there, so if you find one with redeeming qualities, hold on tight.”
I was outraged when X called me to discuss P, particularly since she is very new to dating, having just split with a long-term partner. With Y, I was equally horrified, in that I was her “plus one” on her first date with P back in the day. We all went to an outdoor music venue in 2021 and after I assessed that they were having a nice time together, I left them to it, and went back to my place, only to have them join me later on my porch for a nightcap, where I could see they were already gaga with each other. Over the month or so that they dated, Y and P came by my place a few times, once when I was having a fight with my at-the-time partner, and I distinctly recall that P told me in the most patronizing and “big brother” tone, “Oh, I’m so sorry. Guys can be such jerks.”
With regard to X and Y, they are lovely, smart women who will have no problem meeting other men, so while I’m furious on behalf of both of them, I’m not worried about them. AND THAT IS BECAUSE THERE ARE PLENTY OF FISH IN THE GODDAMN SEA.
Men, this goes for you too. Are you getting the runaround by a woman who is seemingly hard to nail down for a date? Who constantly makes excuses as to why she’s unavailable? Who twirls her hair and bats her eyelashes at you while you buy a round of drinks but is not truly available for anything deeper than dinner? Thank her for a nice time but tell you her you want something more and move on. I know you want to fuck her, maybe even just to say that you fucked her, because we all love a conquest, but honestly…life is short and we are far too old for this shit. Just move along. Plenty of other women out there who would love the company (and kind connection) of a good, honest man.
By the way? Tonight, as luck would have it, I was out with some friends and there was P, at the bar of the restaurant where we all sat, with some woman, his tongue halfway down her throat. I couldn’t help it — I walked over to him and said hi, and he intro’d me to the woman he was with - the woman whom he told X was his ex just a week or so ago. After shaking her hand, I told P that “X and Y are now talking with each other. You should watch out.” He was terrified. Even better? I asked one of my pals to film the entire event, and if I wasn’t such a nice girl, I’d post it below. In the video, you can see me point to his chest, hear me loudly say “Watch out.”**
**This is from a text with the daughter of one of the women who P fucked over, in two parts.
What a shit that guy is, and yet, there’s nothing I can say to him that he’s not already told himself, rest assured. Life is funny that way, isn’t it? In our darkest hours, we usually know what we’ve done, don’t we?
The moral of the story? I’ve come to realize there are really only two rules in life: Don’t go out of your way to hurt others and don’t go out of your way to hurt yourself. You will inevitably and without malice hurt others and yourself — that’s a given — but hopefully you can recover and go on to do better, to be kind, to form honest and loving connects with others. If you fuck up, own it and try again. If you keep fucking up, do your work and take yourself out of the dating game so that you don’t fuck up others while you work on yourself. You can burn down whatever you want, but a hurt person will hurt others. Put down the matches.
There WILL be time to frolic and play again, Dear Readers. Don’t be scared into thinking that you have to accept bad behavior because you are older and doors are closing. Doors are constantly closing AND opening. For every asshole that ghosts you for a walking date or tells you on Date Three that you two should make a Google Calendar so you can sync your lives, only to turn around and cheat on you a few weeks later, there are people who would KILL to be in the presence of someone as luminous and wonderful as you.
My sweet Young Olds, it’s truly not over till it’s over and in meantime, don’t buy into the poverty mentality that you need to climb or claw your way over the masses to find love, or tolerate half-truths or outright lies because “the good outweighs the bad” and “everyone has issue at our age.” We sure do. My issues shouldn’t make you ouch and vice versa.
Wishing you endless abundance, Dear Readers…a baker’s dozen of goodness, as it were.
*Above, in the body of this post, I wrote about the power of saying “NEXT!” I want to give a big shout out to my friend Dr. Randy Rissman, who, a decade ago, was chatting with me about the end of my second marriage — a marriage that was complicated in its last few years, to say the least. Randy knew that and he also knew I was, naturally, sad and probably a little scared of what the future held. He said, “I have just the thing for you!” and ran to his car, returning with his prescription pad in hand. What on EARTH was he prescribing? This was it. I framed it and have held on to it ever since. NEXT! my Sweet Potatoes. Next! indeed…
I just love reading your stories. You always make me smile.
As always, a stellar read. We can all use a lifetime of NEXT prescriptions:)