Vol. 1, Post #20 Liars & Lies We Tell

This is harsh, but tough shit. My ongoing sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A modern love odyssey for Young Olds, AKA, people with readers.

Before I start chewing on (and spitting out) some not-so-great observations on what I’ve observed in the last month as a Young Old who is single, dating, and just sort of figuring out next steps by doing as little as possible to art direct those aforementioned next steps (boy, is that hard sometimes), lemme make sure you’re up to date on where I’m coming from, in case you’re just now joining this party.

Bullet points:

• After a pretty solitary period over the winter and early spring, I am dating. The solitude was more than needed and did its job, re. my head and heart.

• I have met men IRL as well as online (OKCupid, go figure).

• While I have met some truly lovely men, a choice few stand out in a mouth-agape way. One in particular that you could call a real doozy*. No surprise there (ya gotta take the good with the bad; I’ll tell you more in a paragraph or so).

*The click through above takes you to the origin of the word doozy? Who knew?

But HERE is a surprise – in the arena of Young Olds, it’s widely assumed that the pool of available women far exceeds the number of available men, so, in theory, it’s a man’s game to lose and yes, there are obviously some real douchebags out there (like the dude that I’ll be writing about shortly). But this past week, I was tipped off to something that made me remember that there are PLENTY of women who are just as douche-y, and by that, I mean nasty and not like Miss Jackson. Like, cringeworthy nasty, in a clueless way. I’ll definitely be telling you more about that in a paragraph or so as well, although it might piss off a few of you. I’m taking that risk.

Let’s start with the doozy.

And I’ll just summarize, because, really, it’s practically INSANITY. More bullet points!

• Friend of my Ex attempts some flirting, says he single after a long and crazy up-and-down relationship, etc.

• Initially I balk but after a full-court press to show me he’s for real, I say to him, “OK, I’m not uninterested but at the same time, I’m also getting over a breakup and want to be mindful of my own fragility.” He assures me he gets it, that he’s not playing any games.

• Flirting continues over winter. Sometimes I ignore, sometimes I engage.

• He gets my real attention when he leaves me a voicemail asking me if he can start to get to know me in a conscientious way at some point, tells me a little bit about why he wants to get to know me, none of it is about fucking, blah blah (although he has offered up plenty of “sexy” shit, like his fantasies). The voice mail seems meaningful and semi old-fashioned, like his pursuit. I enjoy that.

• CUT TO his “crazy Ex” messaging me out of the blue, asking me all sorts of questions about what he’s saying to me, telling me they’re not broken up.

• Since he’s told me she’s “crazy,” and since I’VE KNOWN THIS GUY FOR YEARS, I ignore the Ex…Until last week when she messages me that they’ve been ENGAGED for months now, and she’s at her wit’s end, regarding his attempts to cheat on her with other women, INCLUDING, APPARENTLY, ME. She shares his text messages with me, including one where he says I WAS THE ONE WHO STARTED FLIRTING WITH HIM and infers that because I write this Substack, I am slutty. <<<<Did you just hear me yelling? I was yelling. Also laughing, but yelling. After this, dude quickly reaches out to me to say, “If you hear from my crazy Ex, ignore her. She’s on the warpath.”

• So, while this guy and I had not been in touch for at least a month, because I told him this seemed too complicated for me, I was outraged by what his Ex told me and his subsequent outreach to me to once again say how nuts she was. It was time to put a stop to it. I knew this text would do the trick:

The end.

In one of her sincerely brokenhearted texts to me, this Ex who is clearly not crazy, btw – she sent me other info to back up her side of the story – asked me, “How could he (Mr. Doozy) tell you over and over again that I’m ruining his life, that I’m crazy, that he doesn’t want to be with me? We see each other every week. He’s teaching my son to play baseball. We have sex on the regular. He sends me messages that read, ‘You two are my world.’” As you can imagine, I don’t have answers for her, except to tell her that sometimes, it’s the women of the world who have to clean up after the men of the world shit all over everything. Also, I should be clear: I’m not interested in staying in touch with her, or bonding with her over his bad behavior and besides, I think any interaction with me would be more pain for her, and she’s had enough pain.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? Don’t answer that yet.

Since this happened, I’ve been thinking about all the ways that people deceive each other in the name of “love” and it’s a pretty heady inner conversation. I’d like to think that I’d never lie, even a “little white lie” while dating if I was feeling like there wasn’t a connection, or similar, but I have to admit, about two weeks ago, when I had been introduced to someone through a work connect and we had an initial phoner to do the whole “hello, this is me” thing, I could tell right away that this person was not a match, and in fact, was pretty dull and most likely a closet Republican. Because I had met him via a colleague who feeds me work, I wanted to be careful to exit gracefully, and told him precisely this: that I enjoyed our chat but that I thought we most likely were on different pages and all the best. HOWEVER, before I typed that single sentence – the same sentence that I’d instruct anyone to send to a person whom they don’t want to date, which allows all parties to exit with peace and dignity, I sat here, thinking about a million “micro lies” I could send that would be “easier” (easier FOR ME) like, “I’m too busy to date now” or even, OK, I’ll just say it, “I think I might have Lyme so I’m going to curtail all social stuff and just rest.” Disclosure. I pulled off a tick after romping around my back field, but I knew I didn’t have Lyme. Still…what an asshole you are, Abbe.

WHY LIE? And, for that matter, since I often hear women bitch and moan about the lies that men tell in dating (Oh hello, Mr. Doozy, it’s me, The Slut), why propagate that same behavior yourself?

I don’t have an answer for this but it’s something that I know I’ll be thinking about for a long time – that sudden impulse to not be truthful as an “easy way” of getting out of something that didn’t turn me on, romantically. I’m glad I spoke the truth, but I see how easy it is to fall into crappy, less than honorable behavior.

And speaking of which, a pal asked me for some advice last week. A guy she had been dating ghosted her. They both practice ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy) and it wasn’t a serious relationship – in fact, it was one that she thought might help her practice holding boundaries, etc. But then he disappeared, and when she reached out, he gave her some bullshit answer about unexpectedly putting his father in a nursing home. Guess what? She saw on his partner’s page (ENM, remember, so he has another partner) that they were at Disney.

“I honestly just don’t get it,” she wrote to me. “Why would someone do all of that? We were not even having sex on the majority of our dates (but it was excellent). I’m not heartbroken by any means, but just sad, because I don’t want to be one of those women who hate men.”

Good for you, my Sister (as for the advice part, she was asking if she should bust him with a scathing text about lying. Nah, I said, just glide away).

Now, here comes the part when some of you might get pissy with me, but maybe some of you need a fucking wake-up call.

This lady pal also alerted me to a private Facebook group that was created by some women we know via social media, called something like “Men suck and let’s make fun of their dating profiles in a safe space.”

How pathetic and Mean Girl can you get?

I don’t have to join that group to know what they’re talking about – oh, how this guy can’t take a proper photo, or this guy can’t spell, or this guy seems like he just wants a girlfriend who can be his mommy, and on and on and on.  

Seriously? Um, want me to wager a guess as to why the majority of the women in that group are single? Because WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO GO OUT WITH SOMEONE WHO IS SO INSECURE, SO SUPERFICIAL, AND SO MEAN as to publicly poke fun at another human’s attempt to find love and companionship?

Dating online is, by default, taking a big breath and putting yourself out there. Some people do it better than others. But you, Miss America, you think that because some dude takes a selfie that looks like this – here, I’ll take one for you, hold on!

You think that because some clueless guy takes a shitty photo (looking down at the camera, giving himself a double chin as well as treating you to shot of his nostrils), that he’s somehow inferior to you in that he deserves your contempt or your laughter, not your love?

You know what? I know a guy who takes a great photo, speaks well, calls you on the phone to profess interest and curiosity and goes out of his way to let you know he’s thinking about you. Interested? Oh, just one thing. He’s a grower, not a shower.

Cue Barack. We out.