Vol. 1, Post #46 Does "Let Them" Do Enough?

Thoughts on what else "to do," besides nothing. My sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, AKA, people with readers.

Did you see last week’s New York Time’s profile on Mel Robbins and how she’s capitalized on the hardly-new-but-skillfully-repackaged-by-her concept of “Let them”? ^^^Pic above is promo for her upcoming NYC book tour btw. Love the glasses, Mel.

For the uninitiated, “let them” takes the tack that people will do whatever they want and all you need to do is “let them” – in this supposed state of grace, all will be revealed, regarding their intentions, etc. with no extra effort (or stress) on your part and then, BINGO! WYou’ll know precisely where you stand and how to proceed for maximum happiness and minimal suffering. But assuming that’s the “magic formula” is kind of bullshit, particularly when it comes to dating as a Young Old, and I’ll explain more below.

Forget the fact that almost every “free your mind” philosophy, from The Beatles to the hippies, has some form of “let them” in the mix – I’m suddenly reminded of a self-help book that we all seemed to be paging through in the early aughts that was about “staying out of the river and just watching it flow as you sit on the banks” to say nothing of Hugh Prather’s “Notes To Myself” that every college freshman I knew had nearly memorized (that, and a copy of “Even Cowgirls Get The Blues” by Tom Robbins made me fall madly in lust with a boy named Rob Zide during first semester freshman year, although I can’t remember a thing about the sex we had, only that he gave me a slim silver bracelet with a love knot and that his dorm was at the asshole end of town).

I digress.

Point being, “let them” is nothing new. But in an age of internet pop psychology and memes to solve nearly every crisis a human can whip up, “let them” is a nice reminder to “stay in your lane.” It’s one of the cornerstones in the recovery community as well. “Let them” has legs. It’s a no-brainer.

But here where I think Mel is selling her followers short, however. It’s in her overly simplified “now what?” next step.

Mel suggests that “let them” be followed up with “let me.” As example, per the NYTimes’ article, if friends make weekend-away plans without you, Mel suggests, “let them,” but suggests a follow-up directive of “let me,” in which YOU – now plan-less for a weekend while your pals are off gallivanting without you – take stock of what you contributed to the mix, and going forward, correct that in any number of ways, like availing yourself to be more social, committing to be more proactive in making plans with those same friends, etc. In other words, everyone does their part. I’m OK with this thinking, but I also suggest that it’s lacking some nuance.

Since “let them” can, yes, be applied to any scenario where your stress levels are rising because of something(s) that someone(s) else did, lemme apply the thinking to how it looks and feels in dating in these Young Old years. Because that’s why you’re here, right?

Scenario:

Sally has been dating Tom for the better part of a year as the winter holidays approach. Sally likes Tom and Tom likes Sally. They are not dating other people and are each other’s go-to lovers and companions. Sally assumes that she and Tom are spending New Year’s Eve together, so says nothing about what she’d like to do on that evening, since she’s also assuming that as Young Olds, they are staying in and most likely falling asleep before the ball drops.

Tom, on the other hand, has recently gotten in touch with some old pals from high school, and learns that one of them has an extra ticket for Phish at Madison Square Garden for the band’s annual show on NYEve. (Note to all: I’ve had several boyfriends, including this current one, skedaddled off to Phish concerts, all of them smart enough not to ask me if I want to go too. Because given the option of going to a Phish show or getting struck squarely in the forehead with a ball-peen hammer, it’s hammer time for me). Tom is excited to hang out with these friends and doesn’t hesitate with an enthusiastic “fuck yes” when they ask if he wants to come along.

Sally, once she learns of Tom’s plans, and that he’s planning on spending NYE not with her but with his buddies (NYE being a no-big-whoop-date-night unless you have a Significant Other in which case it’s TOADULLY a date night), is upset. Hurt. Feeling “less than” and definitely not prioritized. Tom, on the other hand, doesn’t understand why it’s a big deal since they were just staying home anyway. Sally tells Tom, “Fine. Listen, do what you want. You know how I feel” and pretty much shuts down the conversation. Sally assumes that Tom is going to tell his friends that he’s not actually available, but days pass and no word from Tom regarding NYEve. Sally is getting pissed. Tom is just silent and confused.

If it were me? Here’s how I’d handle it. With Mel’s “let them” philosophy firmly in place, Sally needs to approach Tom, asking, “Is this a good time to talk about New Year’s Eve?” Once she gets an affirmative, Sally should explain to Tom why she’s hurt/confused/triggered (you pick) by his plans and that she’d really like them to spend NYE together. Tom will then do whatever he wants to do, and Sally should let him. At the same time, Sally might want to offer up an alternative plan to just loafing around at home in pajamas and going to bed at 9 p.m. if Tom expresses an interest in going out that evening and likewise, maybe this would be a good time for Sally to bring up not just expectations for this New Year’s Eve, but also if they are both on the same page when it comes to how to spend other dumb holidays that aren’t really holidays together, etc. This might be considered the “let me” portion of their conversation. Mel, if she were here, might conclude that since both “let them/let me” steps now have been taken, everyone can get on with their lives.

And here is where Mel and I disagree. I don’t think this (imaginary) chat about New Year’s Eve is finished. In fact, I think it can and should give both of them some food for thought. Here goes: Beyond “let them” and “let me,” I see two more “questions” that I’d ask myself if I were Sally – questions that would clarify where I stood with Tom because, let’s face it, time is precious and as a Young Old, wasting even a few months with someone who’s on a different page is just that, a waste of time. What I’d be ALSO thinking (again, playing the role of Sally here) is this:

1. Is Tom smart enough to be a good partner for me?*

2. Is Tom brave enough to be a good partner for me?*

*It’s a given that Tom should be asking himself the same questions about Sally, naturally.

When I say “smart,” what I’m really asking is if Tom is invested enough in this relationship. Does he look at Sally like she’s a prize, a gem, a catch? Does he have much experience with dating in midlife or beyond that might remind him that women like Sally are few and far between (in my scenario, Sally is indeed a catch, like most of my single lady friends.) Does Tom know that for every Sally, there are a dozen fucking idiot women who believe that men should always pay on dates, that texting “good morning” or “good night” is some kind of “must” (check out Sabrina Zohar for why this is particularly ridiculous) and who buy into all of those heteronormative “rules” that make me gag? In other words, is Tom a smart guy? He is? Great, then unless Tom has some kind of (poo poo poo) terminal cancer and can never see another live show, he probably should discuss Sally’s upset about NYE and then make a more informed decision about whether or not to go Phishing.

If Tom’s NOT a smart guy and just blows off Sally’s request to talk about the Phish show until it’s so close to NYE that his response ends up being, “Yeah, but how is my pal gonna sell this ticket, now that it’s the day before?” or something else that is totally lame, and, let’s face it, passive-aggressive, well, that’s not a great sign. That reeks of emotional immaturity and buck-passing. Likewise, if Tom’s not a smart guy and pulls out of the concert but then gives Sally the silent treatment or acts like a tool on NYE, also not a great sign. We all make sacrifices for the people we love (or like or enjoy), sans temper tantrums. Grow the fuck up, Tom.

Because, as we all know, Dear Readers, this is NOT about a Phish concert. It’s about what happens the next time something shiny gets dangled in front of Tom’s face. How smart ARE you, Tom?

Besides smart, I’d want to know how “brave” Tom can be, and ok, FINE, a Phish concert is not really a great example of how to gauge someone’s bravery, but let’s make it work, yes?

Tom decides to tell his pals that he can’t make it to the Phish concert on NYE because he has plans with Sally, but to hit him up next time. All good, until one of the guys tells him, “Dude, listen, you do this all the time. We’ve asked you to hang out a bunch and you always have some plan with Sally. What’s the deal? Does she own your balls?”

NOTICE HOW BRO-Y AND DOUCHEY I’M MAKING THESE GUYS SOUND? I AM ENJOYING THIS IMMENSELY.

This ^^^^ to me ^^^^^ is a really great opportunity to see what kind of man Tom actually is. Will he scoff at his pal and say, “You’re high, Guy. I’m avail to hang out but just not on NYE. My Lady wants to have date night, so have fun.” Or does Tom start to secretly wonder, “Am I that pussy? Have I really turned into a man who has to run everything past his girlfriend?” and as a result, does his behavior towards Sally start to take on a contentious pall, not enough so that they are constantly fighting, but just enough so that she’s suddenly wondering where they stand?

Because, as we all know, this scenario that started with a Phish concert and now has escalated into “what’s it all about?” has very little to do with a New Year’s Eve date. It’s a conversation (an ongoing one) about how we act when we are pushed. How we act when we want something and need to ask for it. How we act when we want something and need to ask for it and are turned down. Essentially, it’s a conversation about being brave and facing fears.

Image above from Navucko IG, not sure how I found her, German chick, love the graphics.

Let me leave Phish behind (Jesus, Abbe, I thought you were never gonna stop talking about Phish — shout out to my pals Jason and Bahram who love Phish — enjoy, men!). Dating in midlife and beyond is already so heavy with the established patterns, trauma responses, etc. from our younger years that no wonder a tiny little event like a NYE date can open an enormous can of worms (or kettle of fish – sorry, now I’m really done) regarding whether or not a relationship can go the distance.

“Let them” is a fine way to take an emotional temperature about how someone might feel about you. “Let me” is a good follow up in considering how you can be a better person or partner and own your share of the shit. But, for me? When storm clouds roll in, and a blood-and-guts relationship gets challenging, the “lets” aren’t enough.

For me, I enjoy a partner who is SMART enough to realize what they have in me and likewise, BRAVE enough to look at their own learned behaviors, etc. and choose growth over fear. Conversely, I hope to be someone who is smart enough to appreciate what I have in a partner and brave enough to look at my own learned behaviors when I’m being a baby and change that shit up, pronto.

Related but unrelated, when I was going through a very painful breakup with a former partner who loved me but who most certainly showed me over and over again that he was neither smart nor brave when it came to emotional intelligence, this Boygenius song was on constant play. Video below — it’s full of girl hijinx, but the song’s lyrics are pretty brutal. Take a listen:

So on this, the eve of a New Year, let me wish you, Dear Readers, the grace and wisdom to “let them” do what they want, the curiosity to follow that up with an internal check in as to how you can do better yourself, and the smarts and bravery to really examine if you’re getting what you want from any love relationship into which you invest your valuable Young Old time. Hey Mel, feel free to adopt my two bonus round questions. See you all in 2025 and here’s wishing you a sexy, sassy New Year’s Eve, whether you’ll be enjoying a romp at The Garden or in the Garden Of Your Own Delights. Let’s all SALLY forth into the night with wishes for the best possible TOMmorrow!