Vol. 1, Post #41 Attn Hot, Pretty Sexy Ladies

Who says romance is dead? My ongoing sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, AKA, people with readers.

Last week, when some of us were either pretending to go back to work/resume life and some of us were paralyzed with inertia and loudly raging or silently sobbing (I was doing all of those things), a woman I know posted the above screenshot to private social media group, of which I’m a member. She had seen this flyer at her subway stop in NYC.

About 80 or so comments peppered the thread after the post went up, most of them of the “hahahaha” variety, some of the “wow” variety, and a few of the more benign “like” variety. There was plenty of commentary about what a catch this dude must be (smartassery usually soothes a bunch of angry women and women were angry last week — angrier than I’ve seen in years; for that matter, we’re no less angry now) and then I chimed in that if I were in a better mood, I’d text him and torment him for weeks. A few people laughed at that so I thought, Oh, why not? The world is literally on fire. This could be amusing as we burn.

Upon reflection, as I strapped on my reading glasses to look up his number, I realized that I actually wanted to chat with Flyer Man, AKA, Malik — not torment him. I wanted to know more about whether this was an out-and-out farce or if maybe someone(s) he knew wrote this up and just added his name as a goof or a fuck you? I wondered about the kind of person who would take the time to do this and post it at multiple subway stations and I wondered about why the flyer was written in longhand, which seemed very Se7en.

So, I texted Malik. And waited for his response.

Before we go there, (if you haven’t yet) scroll up and take a careful read of Malik’s call for “Hot, Pretty Sexy Ladies!!!!”

One or two of the women in my online social group pointed out that Malik somewhat charmingly wrote that he “enjoys to” re. variety of things that includes long subway rides, the color red, eating Chinese and Italian food and watching “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” (this last one sort of corresponds with what I wrote about the movie “Se7en,” doesn’t it?)

We could pick apart Malik’s flyer for a ton of reasons but as amusement, or distraction, it is a pretty terrific example of “to each their own.” His preference for Apache tribe-adjacent women, “brown-shaded” stockings or pantyhose (I once had a partner with a pantyhose kink — he like Suntan L’eggs), matching manicures/pedicures with red polish, and the desire to “go Dutch” on dates even though he’ll pay on the first one. Daisy Dukes are a turn on, as are threesomes and foursomes where he’ll be the only dude (natch — rhymes with snatch). A Mets fan who is looking for a Friends With Benefits ONLY set up and yes, he’ll wear a condom.

Seems like Malik is mostly interested in promiscuous curvy women (not a surprise) and prefers blondes or redheads. His preferred age range is between 21 and 55 (he says he is 54 and employed) and while he likes ‘em thique, he underlined “NOT FAT” with emphasis. Under “nationalities,” Malik seems to have enjoyed the “It’s A Small World” ride at Disney an unlimited number of times but yet there is no mention of Black women, African American women, or similar — I shudder to imagine what this could mean, to be honest (also, does he mean “ethnicities”?) Further, no hookers, drag queens, or trans people, with same underlined emphasis as well as a little HIGHLIGHTER for extra oomph (can’t remember the last time someone referred to a trans person as a “he-she,” so thx for the memory, Malik?)

My point being, the vaguely serial killer vibe aside, Malik has more in common with the average single middle-aged man than you might like to think. So, I’m wondering, Dear Readers, if we can suspend belief for a few more paragraphs — and why not? I’ve been suspending belief at our entire fucking country for the better part of two weeks now) — do you think that Malik is getting any real play with this outreach?

In theory, Malik may be a marketing genius. He’s turned the NYC subway system into his own FREE personal dating app and I’d venture to guess that more people are noticing his ad than would otherwise read a wordy profile online (for more on this, I wrote a post this past spring that noted how OKCupid had made headway with the Young Old demographic, in that on OKC, you have the luxury of writing as lengthy a profile as you desire, which automatically screens out a huge segment of the population who don’t want to actually know more about you). For the price of a subway ride to Coney Island (one of Malik’s favorite places), he gets access to the commuting public for as long as his flyer hangs in place.

Likewise, I’m applauding Malik (or Malik’s friends, or enemies — it’s still unclear to me who actually went to the trouble to write this up — the handwriting is pretty great for The Computer Age in which we live, the general population just bangin’ away on our keyboards with reckless abandon) — for being so specific in his turn ons and turn offs. God knows we all have them, all us weirdos, me included.

I guess we could spend an endless amount of time deconstructing Malik for his yawn-worthy fat- and commitment-phobias but that’s been done to death by people far smarter and funnier than me and anyway, let’s face it — anyone reading this Substack can instantly think of at least two or three people who they consider friends or colleagues with the same reprehensible opinions. Which doesn’t excuse any of it, but a lot of time, we roll our eyes and say “Oh, Jack, that’s so rude” or similar, and then we talk shit about Jack behind his back with our mutual friends, or with our partner at bedtime as we brush our teeth. “It’s too bad that Jack is such an asshole because if he ever decided he could stand to date someone who weighed more than 100 pounds, he’d really like your cousin.” And “One day, Jack is gonna fall hard for one of his booty calls, and then the joke’s on him when she says, ‘Why do we have to put a label on this?’”

So this is what I texted Malik:

No response.

Obviously, I made it clear that I wasn’t down to fuck. Maybe that made responding to me not a priority. Oh well. I would’ve liked to hear more about what makes Malik tick.

Assuming he’s not a murderer or a Klansman, let’s hope that he finds a lady with whom he can “get some pie after a good movie.”