Vol. 1, Post #12 The Ex-Factor

Guess I need to spell it out for ya? My ongoing sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, AKA, people with readers.

Hi y’all! I’m excited that my next piece for Jenny Magazine will be out this Wednesday, so I’m publishing early…also, Mother is in a tiny bit of a mood. Take a read…

Remember when I wrote that I was taking a self-imposed Time Out from dating? That’s still basically true. But in the midst of this new solo chapter, three different men cozied up to me, even though I’m currently lazy as hell and enjoying this burrowed in period more than I expected. As we know, I don’t remotely believe that falling in love is off the table at any age. In fact, I’m pretty sure that even as I write this, something juicy is probably hurtling towards me anew (to wit: the night before I met a former partner, I was eating dinner in Provincetown with my posse, and as I tore off a piece of bread to shove into my yap [remember when restaurants GAVE you bread and didn’t charge you $8?], I said to the table, “I think I’m done and that’s OK. I have loved a lot in my life.” Less than 24 hours later, S. appeared on a social media thread in which we were both yakking away, and we were together for years).

Man #1 and Man #2 were guys that I met out and about, one socially and one through work, both of whom made rather grand, overt gestures to get me to notice them. Both have turned out to be what I’ll call vaguely married: you know, married but separate bedrooms or married and zero connection anymore (eye roll because c’mon). Man #3 is somewhat the prompt for this post (and he’ll probably see this, as he reads me, so I’ll take this opportunity to say to him directly, “I’m not mad at you, but I’m not interested in you flirting with me while your life is so complicated.” More on this further down post). Man #3 actually knows me more than just in passing. He knows a former partner of mine, and for that matter, we’ve all spent time together working on a personal project; more recently, there have been instances when he’s turned to me for advice. Man #3 had been in what was a clearly toxic relationship with his last GF but started flirting with me out of the blue a month or so ago, telling me he had exited his relationship for good, which coincided with the end of my last relationship. While I’ve been exceptionally mindful of my heart and head, Man #3 flirts with me in a manner that kinda pushes my buttons in a specific way – he takes a somewhat old-fashioned approach in approaching me.*

*Does this surprise you? That I adore old-fashioned courtship? The phone call that you’re thinking about me when most would instead send a text. A letter, an actual letter, that arrives in the mail for no reason. If you know how I take my coffee because we drank a cup together in 1985 and you remember. My most recent Ex once brought a bottle of wine to a date and he had taken a Sharpie and changed the label, where it read “Something Something Albariño,” to “Something Something Abbe Vino” and I loved that. Such a small thing. Small things are what make big things happen. Even if I decide I want you to finger me under the table in a restaurant or meet me in the bathroom for a quickie, I want you to have a developed romantic side.

Back to Man #3. He held my attention. I spoke to my closest confidantes about him, weighing the idea that I could see possibly breaking my Time Out for him. He has a lot going in his favor. I know him, as I said. I like his vibe. I like his look. I like the vulnerability that he’s shared with me regarding a difficult subject in his family life. He sent me a Sunday morning greeting that was more than Happy Easter, which prompted me to ask him if he was feeling passionate about me. He said yes. But what I’m also reading between the lines is that his toxic Ex is somewhat still hovering around.

And since I’m writing this on Easter, to that I’ll say: Jesus Fucking Christ.

My son AW is here for the week while we prepare for a gig – yes, Wendigo has joined Adult Rock Academy for the season while he’s off tour, and we have a performance this coming weekend, so he’s here at my place for final rehearsals. He and I are playing Rob Zombie’s “Dragula” together, him on guitar, me on drums. I hope I can hold it together, because There’s No Crying In Rock n Roll, but with me, you never know. I’ve cried at paint drying.

Following my Easter text with Man #3, AW and I were eating breakfast, and I told him I was annoyed at men right now. I asked AW, “Would you/do you talk with other women while you’re dating N [his GF]?” You should’ve seen his face. First, he asked, “You mean, like talk romantically?” and when I said yes, he knitted together his thick eyebrows that would be identical to mine if I didn’t wax (those genes courtesy of Pop-Pop Dave on my mother’s side – Brooke Shields and I had twinsie brows back in the day), furrowed his forehead and said, “OF COURSE NOT” like I was a crazy person for even asking such a thing. AW is 24 fucking years old.

As I wrote, I’m not actually angry with any of these guys, particularly Man #3 as I know he genuinely likes me and is in a shitty spot; toxic breakups take a while to truly go away, don’t they? However, hard stop, Men. Listen up. I’m just not going to entertain anything that smells remotely like “side chick” even via flirting. While I think that I might like to date Man #3, I KNOW that I will never date anyone who not only doesn’t prioritize me, but further, doesn’t understand that wordsmithing about fucking around is still fucking around. If you’ve got a partner/girlfriend/wife/lover and it’s not me, and you’re not in an open relationship, then why are you speaking to me like this? And why are you assuming I’m OK with that?

With that in mind, I present to you my Top Ten rules to which you must adhere, in order to date me. Dear Readers who are Women, can I go out on a limb and say I think I’m speaking for MOST of you with these? (If I’m off base, drop me a line at whatsshovegottodowithit@gmail.com and tell me what I’ve got wrong):

1.        You are single. Divorced, or separated with intent to divorce, or living apart and staying that way are all good. I don’t generally care what a piece of paper says, because people stay legally married for health insurance, etc. But if David Bowie or Prince returned to earth, invited you to a private concert and for your admittance to the show, asked, “What’s your deal?” the only answer that gets you in the door is Single. Which brings me to the adjacent next rule.

2.        You have a reasonable relationship with your Ex if time has passed and tempers/feelings have cooled so there is no weirdness around dating. Your Ex is a control freak cunt, and you have to date surreptitiously to keep the peace if you share children? Nope. You still talk to your Ex, and she gets jealous when you say you are dating yet nothing binds you to each other? Another nope.

3.        You understand why we will be using condoms when we start fucking. All together now – yessssssssssssss, I know your dick works better without a condom and nooooooooooo, I’m not saying we won’t eventually move into condomless sex but are you out of your fucking mind? Maybe pregnancy is off the table at this point, but HPV and a myriad assortment of other stuff is not. Likewise…

4.        …If you’re fucking anyone else, or dating anyone else, we can and should talk about it and related, I don’t expect to stay a secret to that person or those people. Monogamy is a layered concept, and even if it’s slightly uncomfortable, I expect us to work through the topic of dating other people in early days. No rush to get serious; a BIG push to stay honest.

5.        I don’t need or want to meet your kids, don’t want or need you to meet mine, don’t need to hang out with your pals or colleagues, or pass muster with anyone in the beginning stages of dating. If we get into it, I assume I’ll meet many of those people when occasion calls for it because, I’ll also assume, you are proud to call me your lady. You should be.

6.        I can pay for myself. Sometimes I like when you pay for us and sometimes, I like to pay for us. Money figures very little into my dating life and I hope the same goes for you.

7.        I drink wine or have cocktails with friends at dinner, smoke a little pot, and very occasionally agree to eat half of a ‘shroom chocolate bar or similar, but otherwise, am sitting out the rave. I go to bed as early as humanly possible most of the time but will stay up and voraciously devour you all night long if we’re both in the mood. I’m an omnivore, a liberal Democrat, and slightly afraid of falling and breaking a bone at this age if I’m wearing high heels. I don’t see any of the above changing. Tell me your non-negotiables early on and let’s see if this is a match.

8.        I mentioned this in another post, about the grammar police? At this point, I don’t care if you’re educated in a similar vein as me, nor do I care if you can even spell grammar correctly. I care if you are polite to waitstaff, remember to tip your various service-providing people at the holidays, and realize that not everyone grew up with the means to afford the same things that you or I may now enjoy. In other words, don’t be an asshole and show some humility and grace.

9.        Do I look pretty? Do I smell nice? Did you enjoy the last thing I wrote for XYZ magazine? Tell me. I am not a one-and-done-girl. You don’t say “I dig you” once and have it cover a multitude of bases for the foreseeable future. You don’t have to suck my dick, but you do have celebrate me in a way that makes me feel seen.

10.  Take me at face value with what I wrote above. I am a Young Old, and I can be taught a few new tricks and hope you will do just that, but I’m also pretty sure that you have fallen for me because of who I am, so please keep that in mind if you like what you see. You’re only going to get more, not less, of it.

^^^Judge Judy for so many reasons as one of my Patron Saints, including her signature line “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.”