Vol. 1, Post #9 The Feeling Is Mutual

Plus, an orgy of reader mail and OY with Grammar Police. My ongoing sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, AKA, people with readers.

Two things happened last week that made me really happy. Well, three things.

First, I shouted out one of my friends, my gorgeous-hot-as-fuck sexpot pal in the DC area, and asked her to share with us any new sex toys that she liked. Boy, did she deliver. Her recommendations at the bottom of this post.

Next, I have been mildly flirting with a man that has piqued my curiosity, another chef (go ahead. This deserves AT LEAST a solid minute of eye-rolling. I can wait) and he suggested a topic for this week’s post. Keep reading for more on that.

Finally, kudos to Playgirl Magazine for naming Mickey Boardman as new Creative Director. Mickey is a veteran magazine writer and can always be found at the zeitgeist of everything chic, fabulous, and divine in magazines and I love that Playgirl (founded in 1973, yo!) had the balls to hire a gay man to run that rodeo, as it were.

Ok, so let’s circle back to the flirty chat with my chef friend. He let me know that he enjoyed last week's post on squirting (of course he did; he’s a man) and when I asked him if there was something he’d like to read about next, he said, “mutual masturbation”* which I thought was a great idea, because lots of people reserve masturbation for solo play. But think about it. YOU know your body best and a conscientious lover or partner probably would be super excited to not only watch you pleasure yourself, but, if they are astute, to take copious mental notes about how they might best pleasure you as well. You obviously know (at our age) that there is sometimes a disconnect between what you like and what your lover assumes that you like. In this instance, I’m thinking more about hetero sex, which harkens me back to when I first started dating women. Our friend Paul casually remarked to me, (and I’m paraphrasing), “Once you get into ‘mano a mano’ sex, you can’t believe how eye-opening it is. Someone with the exact same parts doing you, knowing your exact same parts? Get ready. You will explode.” He’s not kidding. Probably the reason I stayed in a relationship with my ex-wife as long as I did; we definitely knew each other’s parts. The sex was off-the-chain delicious, and yes, Paul was right. That inside information (ha!) was priceless. For those Dear Readers who have partners with different sex organs, have you shown your Beloved how you like it?

(*I’m gonna sidebar for minute and tell you that we [my Saturday evening dinner companions and I] were discussing this in advance of me writing this post — not how we liked mutual masturbation, but the topic itself. There were youngsters present at dinner, and by youngsters, I mean bona fide youngsters, in their early teens, not you youngsters in your 30s and 40s. So, we were mindful of the language that we were using and for some odd and hilarious-to-us reason, we started referring to mutual masturbation as “hemming pants,” as in, “I mean, most people enjoy hemming pants if they know anything about how sewing works…particularly ADVANCED sewing, like EMBROIDERY.” This was amusing for at least five minutes and then we dropped the thread (ok, that truly could not be helped).

I don’t know about you, but I long ago gave up any embarrassment when it comes to full-on sexual pleasure and just surrendered to it. Like, all of it. I guess one could argue that this is because of my own comfort level with sex, and yes, I’m sure that’s part of it, but it also most certainly has everything to do with age and the old “zero fucks to give” mantra. With that in mind, I think it’s pretty hot to engage in mutual masturbation, which can go one of three ways:

1.     In person.

2.     Via phone/computer/device.

3.     Videos that you can create to watch together later, or send to each other like “penpals.” Slutty penpals.

If you’re dipping your toe in this, Option #2 might be the gentlest entry. You control the setting, the lighting, the vibe, in a location that is familiar to you (guessing at home but don’t knock a request from a lover to excuse yourself from the table and get a little freaky in a restaurant bathroom or similar, where there’s privacy and room to groove. Note to my dining companions the other night: I swear I just left the table to pee).

Option #3, videos for later, is sort of sleazy-sweet, if you ask me. A former partner worked late, late hours and often got home after This Old Lady was asleep. As we lived a few hours apart, we got super creative with masturbation videos, some of which we sent to each other to be viewed at the recipient’s schedule, some of which we made and watched at the same time. These were a really nice way to bridge the distance gap and, as you can imagine, makes it impossible for me to run for elected office or become a judge on The Supreme Court — although, fuck those assholes.

Re. Option #1, what could be better on a lazy Sunday afternoon? Well, to be fair, I’m writing this post on a lazy Sunday afternoon, and I just prepped a sourdough bread for rising, polished a bunch of leather shoes, and inflated my exercise ball so I can do some Pilates later on, which is kind of the opposite of engaging in mutual masturbation. In my current stage of Young Old Singledom, the only masturbation that is happening around here right now is solo, unless you count the dog as a tacit bystander. However, once he hears the rumble of the nightstand drawer, he moves to another side of the bed and takes cover.

Speaking of Singledom, I want to shift gears for a minute and talk about something that a few of my lady friends are currently experiencing in online dating, and that is: The Icks. The Icks are the “hard no’s” that make someone decide All Bets Are Off, and I think the comedian Jared Freid hits the nail on the head with his bit on The Icks. All joking aside, I have opinions on this for both the ladies and the gentlemen. Here goes!

LADIES: I get it. You’re smart. Me too. You want to date smart, erudite men. Men who don’t speak in monosyllabic sentences, who understand “your vs. you’re” or “there, their, and they’re” — go gentle, OK? And hear me out. When text flirting, do you in fact know if your potential date is typing with or without reading glasses? You do not. And if they are dictating, I have news: Siri is a fucking idiot. I have NO idea who approves the tech behind Mizz Siri but the spelling changes and grammar/syntax options she employs are pretty much sub-par Kindergarten level. So, if you’re chatting with someone new online, give them a little benefit of the doubt, OK? When and if you meet in person, then you can be a judgmental bitch and never go out with them again because they said “irregardless.” I get it — I cringed even typing that. But I’m also DEEPLY aware of different people/different life experiences/different levels of education and guess what? At this age, I’m looking for kindness, curiosity, and self-confidence first and foremost. This is not 7th grade and the “I’m not going out with him: I don’t like his shoes.” no longer flies (did it ever?) About that…my ex (a few exes ago) had a pair of what could only be called The Worst Shoes Ever. Ever. I dubbed them, “the shoes that some old lesbian wears when she cleans out the ovens at the crematorium.” When he wasn’t looking, after the I Love Yous were flying, and we were moving in together, I threw them away as he was packing up his apartment. Now THAT is Love!

GENTLEMEN: Did you read what I just wrote above? No, not just the part about masturbation, the part about me telling the ladies to call off The Grammar Police? Good. Now, for your part, you need to read the room, even if that’s the only thing you read, OK? Are you messaging with a new potential date and she’s telling you about a book she’s enjoying, a film she wants to see, a museum show that intrigues her? Wonderful! Look it up. I’m serious. That’s my advice. You cannot imagine how many good, worthwhile men are messaging with women RIGHT NOW who have pretty much nothing to offer the conversation except some dialogue from old Seinfeld episodes. I shouldn’t have to tell you this, Men, but if you want to get to an in-person date with a woman like me or my kind, remember that the biggest sex organ that we humans have is the brain, and as we get older, you need to tickle that before you tickle anything else. A little light reading or some Googling about your potential date’s interests beyond the bedroom may speed up your journey to Said Bedroom. Likewise, not sure if you’ve noticed, but it’s pretty hideous to be a woman these days with regard to those aforementioned assholes on The Supreme Court as well as pretty much any of those Republicunts trying to outlaw legal, safe abortion, etc. On some of the dating apps, you have the option of ticking off boxes to show political affiliations. IF you think that selecting “apolitical” just covers all bases, think again. I know that some of you choose “apolitical” because you are left of Left and can’t bear to be associated with the Democratic party, but a lot of you choose “apolitical” because you’re lazy. Guess what? I know at least three gorgeous Young Old Singletons who won’t swipe right on someone who identifies as “apolitical.” People are their principles, said Barbra as Katie in The Way We Were.** People are their politics. Use your words and tell us what you mean. Unless you have selected “apolitical” because you’re a rightwing fuckhead and you’re trolling for pussy, thinking you’re fooling someone. You’re fooling no one. In that case, you get what you deserve.

(**Also, The Way We Were DOES NOT hold up. Hubbell is an arrogant piece of shit. That’s a post for another time. Meanwhile, I linked People/Principles above and if you want to watch this scene from the moment of impact, so to speak, start the clip at 2:20 but if you wanna just hear her deliver the legendary line that is still UTTERLY true, 3:37.)

Now! Mailbag time! Here are the new sex toys that I teased out up top — these are reccos from a luscious Young Old pal of mine who enjoys them solo or with her younger boy toy. Read ‘em with your credit card at the ready! I’m summarizing some of her email and putting in live links to buy.

Due to my Mahjong game being canceled today (one of the septuagenarians had to take care of her grandchildren), I actually have three extra hours today to share some of my fav sex toy acquisitions with your fabulous readers!

My boytoy introduced me to the Lovense Lush, a teledildo! It is great for long distance relationships, as the Bluetooth technology allows your lover to play with you from across state lines (boytoy is in another locale). It is also fun to slip in before your Beloved is due to arrive, and get you turned on and wet. It is very comfortable and sits inside you thrumming for up to 3 hours. I happen to have the Lush 2, which is the $99 version, and highly recommend it for its excellent placement of the external button to vary the intensity when using it on myself. You can create and save custom vibration patterns if you are feeling ambitious, too. I hear cam girls, who get off when paying customers remotely use the LUSH on them, regularly use it on Chaturbate, and other porn sites, if you need a third-party endorsement. Boytoy is 20 years younger than me, and has spent many an hour watching cam girls, and says those girls squirt all the time due to the LUSH. Welcome to 2024 porn lol.

Second, the BVIBE Rimming Plug 2 is great for anal play, as it has rotating beads at the neck to mimic the sensation of getting your butt licked. The beads have seven different ways to tease the sensitive nerve endings in your butt, thus relaxing the sphincter muscles. It also has a vibrating tip that has 6 different speeds and modes, to stimulate the prostate if you are a guy, or the A-spot if you have a vagina. The website mentions that it can also be used to stimulate the G-Spot. Personally, I love having a butt plug inside me when having penis-in-vagina sex.

Sometimes you want human-powered toys, which is where the NJOY brand comes in. The medical-grade stainless steel material has a luscious finish and is easily cleanable so you can share it with others if they want to have something inside them. Plus, the NJOY can be put under cold water for a cooling effect, similar to a glass dildo, which feels so good post-sex, when you may be burning up from all the friction. I love how heavy it feels when put inside me, as I am a huge fan of pressure.

If you are a bump n grind person, then the INMI Wave Slider Silicone Pad is made for you! Hands-free, it has ribs along the raised mound and the circular cone, so you can stimulate your vulva and your anus respectively. It has four speeds and seven patterns and is operational with a remote control so you can sit on it in the car during your morning commute or while you are seated at your computer. Waterproof, and water-based lube friendly, it comes with a 30-day warranty. This was a Valentine's Day 2024 gift, so I am still in the honeymoon period, but so far so good!

Finally, the Palm Power Extreme is a small wand-like rumbly vibrator that is ergonomic and angled so the woman can hold it easily on her clit, while getting penetrated by a penis, unlike the Magic Wand/Hitachi Wand which is cumbersome at best. It is USB powered, so no batteries, and you can plug it in and play all day. They make a pocket one as well which comes with a one-inch head and is 3.5 inches long. Walmart carries the Palm Power wands which tells you sex toys have really gone mainstream, which I love! Alas, the Palm Power Extreme stopped charging after 5 weeks, and so I cannot wholeheartedly endorse the product as I don't know if I just got a lemon or if this is a company-wide problem. I have shipped it back to Canada and will keep ya posted. 

Featured photo, naturally, is from Divinyl’s 1990 hit, “I Touch Myself” — low hanging fruit, I know, but then again,

Robert Burke Warren

and I both had a crush on singer Chrissy Amphlett, so….