Vol. 3, Post #99 Burning For you? Meh

Burned Haystack Dating Method is waaaay overrated. Fight me. Sex tips for girls* (*or maybe folks who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds (people with readers).

I’m on a roll…In the last few weeks, I’ve met over 20 — TWENTY! — men. Handsome, interesting, communicative men.

Most of these men I’ve met on Hinge, with whom, as my regular Dear Readers know, I now have an ongoing relationship as I am supplying the app with content for members in the form of my (clearly) genius take on midlife relationships. Some of the men I’ve met IRL.

We’re all familiar with the usual horror stories regarding dating at our age, so I won’t recap the Greatest Hits, but in this moment, I’m seeing very little bad behavior in this round of contestants. No one has sent me an unsolicited dick pic. No one has said anything remotely anti-feminist or misogynistic. I’ve given seven of these men my phone number and I’m going out with five of them so far — they range from the guy that my posse and I have dubbed Black 007 to My Modern Day Kris Kristofferson (I’m particularly intrigued by him), along with a few Suburban Dudes With An Edge (maybe too sporty for me but we shall see), and a few Extra Artsy Types. They’ve all stepped up and stepped up in the manner that we used to refer to as “courting:” Suggesting or setting up interesting dates based on my availability, happy to pursue and make their interest known. As for the rest of the bunch of potentials? While I’m still in light contact with the stragglers to see what they offer me next that might be amusing, I’m not lifting a finger.

So while I’ve written on this Substack that I’ve not been terribly motivated by online dating for about a year, this current chapter is F-U-N with a Capital PH! Here’s one of the reasons why I think I’m the Belle Of The Ball, and I’ll get right to the punchline: it has ALMOST NOTHING to do with the wildly popular online advice offered up via the Burned Haystack Dating Method™ (aka, BHDM) — a methodology that a lot of Young Old women refer to as gospel. Well, to me, it’s hardly gospel — and I’ll go to the mat on this one.

It might be frigidly February, as opposed to sultry BBQ season, but I’ll fess up to a similar vibe (the men lined up, not Scarlett O’Hara’s toxic narcissism).

Actually, let’s use a different image.

There. That’s better.

So why you feelin’ yoself, Abbe?

Well, to begin, my crown is firmly in place on my head, which is also held high, maybe higher than it’s been in years. That’s not an entirely new thing but there’s an enhanced sense of self settled around my shoulders right now. I have an extremely clear idea of what I’d like to learn next, and who I’d invite to come along for the ride as I experience/explore and more in 2026 and beyond. As it pertains to dating and love and sex, I’ve done a VERY SERIOUS inventory of what has worked and what has not worked for me in the decade since my second marriage ended. Here’s the summary on that — and then I promise we’ll get to BHDM because I don’t want to discredit or diss founder Jennie Young, but I’m just not buying into what I’m reading there (and yes, I’ll give examples of why I’m not a fan, including a post from Jennie herself here on Substack).

Back to me. In the last decade, I have:

• Had three significant multiple-year relationships in which I did too much heavy lifting, with men who utterly turned me on in bed and yet were entirely too scared of the skeletons in the deep, dark closets that lurked within their brains to lead a real life with me as their partner, with both of us vulnerable and flawed and at peace with all those imperfections. In all three of those relationships, I initially thought I had found curious co-pilots for life’s journey. Mostly, I found skilled lovers who made me laugh, made me come, made me beautiful food, and sometimes made me think. But matched toe-to-toe in terms of growth? Not so much. SO, related to that…next point.

• Been deeply sorrowful at the end of those three relationships, because these men activated in me trauma bonds that clearly needed to heal, some of which were also present in my nearly ten-year second marriage to my ex- who suffered from similar self-esteem issues that I took on as my own to “fix.” Like these guys, she and I also had a really hot sex life. The collective takeaway messaging of all of this was extremely painful, so I was licking my wounds as I mourned and missed them in my bed. However, I did not learn so much that I was “cured” of my broken bird habit— I went on to make more mistakes, including…naturally, doing a 360 on who I used to choose. So, up next, I found myself:

  • Dating guys I found sweet and/or safe, who quickly became boring to me in and out of bed and in and out of my brain. I did this on and off for the last few years. The Iras, as I’ve come to call them.

  • Not giving myself time to mourn that aforementioned childhood trauma and likewise, finally digesting that lack of love and support I never received as a kid or young adult, and then pushing myself back from the table, as I. Am. Done. My parents are long dead, so they are not here to take accountability for doing a first-class shitty job and in the end, I forgave them, and simply gave myself grace. The way I did that? Of course therapy, which I amped WAY up in 2024 and early 2025, after which I basically took a huge hiatus from dating. It was fantastic.

And now that hiatus is over.

As written in this Substack before, I’ve been tapped by some of the folks at Hinge to provide them with content. As part of that ongoing work, I’ve turned my dating profile on and seemingly will keep it active for the foreseeable future. To be clear, I’m not EMPLOYED by Hinge, but rather am a consultant for their marketing team. I have no inside track on the inner workings of Hinge or any other dating app.

But since in this moment I am online dating again, and since at this moment, I’m in high demand AND, since I have zero attachment to how anything online works — be it dating or arguing about #notmypresidentever on social media — here’s my Valentine’s Day gift to you. Here’s how to date online with not a care in the world — or at least, here’s what’s working for me, and it’s not BHDM and most of its pronounced rigidity disguised as feminist stance. Sorry, just not buying that.

I’ve read through much of the BHDM theory and I see one — ONE — great takeaway if you want to successfully date online. Ready?

Jennie Young is correct in that if you want to “beat” the online app algorithm, you should block (on Hinge, that’s “remove”) anyone who does not interest you.

That’s it.

If you block or remove a potential match, you are shown fresh matches instead of the app recycling old matches that you’ve simply clicked “nope” on as you’ve swiped left.

The rest of it? The rest of the advice that is seemingly supposed to make you (women, I’m speaking to you — BHDM is for women who want to connect with their “needle in a haystack” and in this instance, that’s a man) look and feel more confident, more secure in your power pocket, more protected from gross crap like unsolicited dick pics and the rest of it?

I don’t think it’s helping. In fact, I think it’s creating more of a chasm between you and your potential partners.

And here’s an example of WHY I don’t buy it. This is Jennie’s Substack, entitled “An Open Letter to the Woman Who Told Us to “Lighten Up”

In it, a woman tells the BHDM Facebook group that she went on a date with a guy who sounds like a total douchebag and the discussion was around whether or not she should give him another chance. That ALONE has my head spinning, because if a man did even one of the things outlined in this date, I would’ve stood up, tossed a $20 on the table and walked out, but again, that’s not the point. Jennie’s Substack, linked above, is written around the EQUALLY awful comments that some of the female Facebook community members voiced, how this woman should “give this guy another chance since good men are scarce” and “lighten up.”

I have to stop here for a minute and ask a real question, Haystackers, or even just my single Young Olds.

IN WHAT FUCKING UNIVERSE DO YOU NEED A FACEBOOK COMMUNITY SUPPORT GROUP TO DISCUSS A SUB-PAR HUMAN MALE AND WHETHER YOU SHOULD GIVE HIM A SECOND CHANCE? Or, for that matter, a sub-par human female?

PLEASE UNDERSTAND ME. I know there are plenty — far more than plenty — of women who are single and middle-aged and dating and scared. They are scared because they’ve been fucked over and found themselves in even more horrific situations that we care to imagine, gaslit, abused, all of it. NOT FOR A MINUTE AM I SPEAKING DOWN TO THAT PAIN OR TRAUMA.

I’m talking to my Dear Readers and women I know via social media who have told me that they’ve realized their self-worth through groups like BHDM. Any time you are led to recognize your self-worth, I applaud that milestone. I’m simply asking if there might be better (or other) places in which to learn about honoring your self-worth?

Since I’m not a therapist nor a PhD (Jennie is), I’ll stop critiquing where you would best learn more about honoring yourself and instead go into some of the other more lightweight areas in which I think BHDM misses the mark.

^^^The yellow and orange bands? Seriously? I’m fine with letting dud convos die but def. not OK with the fact that apparently, in the BHDM world, everyone must be a sparkling chatterbox on something as awful and clunky as a dating app. Just see what happens. And yes, you can always clean house in your inbox at some point, but this seems ridiculous. It’s not a game of Beat The Clock (1 day, max 2 — what’s the rush?) Even the red band — block someone because they wrote “your hot?” What’s the infraction? The bad grammar or the use of the word “hot?” GRANTED, it’s kind of low-hanging fruit, a snooze-y compliment right out of the box. But the other day, a man I find charming texted me to say he was thinking about me and that I was a “total smoke show.” You know what? Having just walked in from Pilates, sweaty and sore, I happily smiled to myself as I put down my phone and headed to the shower.

Nearly every post and comment I’ve read on the BHDM Facebook page or on subsequent social media posts is about taking apart men’s online dating profiles piece by piece, dissecting “rhetoric,” speech patterns, likes and dislikes, etc.

How about this instead: Do you like what you read and what you see? Great, go ahead and chat. If you don’t, move on.

I can’t begin to count the number of posts and comments I’ve read on BHDM that speak to all of these “suppose he does this?” scenarios. Suppose his stupid selfie turns into him sending me a dick pic. Suppose his interest in someone who wears high heels means he’s a fetishist. Even, suppose his bad grammar and inability to spell “you’re” correctly means he’s an idiot?

How about this: Suppose he does? You’ll block him. Suppose he likes high heels and you prefer sneakers. Guess you’re not a match. Suppose he wrote “your” instead of “you’re” — as I’ve said before on this topic, maybe he just isn’t wearing his readers.

If you’re interested, here’s a review of BHDM written by another dating coach that touches on some of my criticisms and offers a few more of her own. And not that it matters, but Jennie Young is seemingly single, from what I’ve read (although a Dear Reader messaged me to say JY is dating again). I’m single too, so this last part is probably a wash. But, as previously stated, I’m no expert. I’m just a woman who doesn’t need a Greek chorus all yelling “Block him!” because I trust myself and my own intuition.

Recently, a woman I know via a social media empowerment group posted that she met someone on Hinge and wrote she was unsure about why he was sending her innocent selfies as part of their chat. In the comments, there was a strong tide of BHDM cheerleaders, offering how these pix were just a gateway to dick shots, or that how dare this man make her feel uncomfortable. I was puzzled. Besides voicing my own opinion (and that of the dating coach I posted above, from Medium) which is that dumb selfies aren’t a gateway to unsolicited cock portraits, I asked the woman — are you feeling uncomfortable? The answer was no. At press time, this woman said she was going on a date with Mr. Selfie this coming week.

On this, I have to laugh because one of the things I’m also seeing via Hinge connects*, as I just let it all flow, is that a few of these guys pinging me do like to send a random selfie. I’d personally only send a selfie to someone once we were spending time together, so is this a new thing? No idea and again, no biggie. One guy who has moved from Hinge to text to asking me on a date sent me a photo of himself outside of a retro steakhouse today, a place he had mentioned to me in an earlier conversation. Do I particularly SWOON over that? Not really. More like “Ok, whatever.” Was that a sign to BLOCK HIM?! It was not.

*Note: as part of keeping Hinge active while I dip in and out of the work I’m doing for them, I’ve taken ALL my dating filters off. EVERY ONE OF THEM, except age preference (45-61) and distance (100 miles or less). I just swipe when I’m in the mood and receive the “likes” as they come in, assessing them one by one. About an hour ago when I started writing this, I got a “like” from a hot guy who identified himself as “a terrible texter.” I wrote back, “Oh, poor you, what a disadvantage on a dating site!” He replied that if I was OK with a phone call, he’d tell me more. Sure, I said. Why not? We just hung up. He’s smart, sassy, and has some arthritis in two of his fingers, after years of playing guitar, adding that he needs to get better at voice-to-text. He’s definitely someone I’d meet for a drink.

Newsflash — and no surprise — dating is just as weird and cringe-y for Young Old men as it is for us. They’re just fumbling their way through it and sometimes they don’t read the room. Like Mr. Steakhouse, there’s a totally adorable dude who I’m meeting for lunch in the city who is sending me voice memos. I’m assuming it’s because he thinks he has a sexy voice. I’ll admit that he does. Again, that’s not really my thing this early on, but until I meet him, I’ll respond to his voice memos anyway I want, and if it gets to be overload, I’ll say as much. What evs to the max.

Again — am I here to yuck someone else’s yum? I am not. I AM here to say that ANOTHER reason that I think I’m finding more than fledgling success online in this moment — besides the fact that I’m me, haha - is because I’m curious enough to ask questions and secure enough to say, “Thanks, not for me” if the answers don’t work for me, and likewise, to not overthink the stuff that doesn’t matter.

And listen — I get it — women are FED UP. Many many Young Old women feel like men hold all the cards, get to make all the moves; the list of male-led advantages is endless, and for some women, BHDM means they get to take back some power. If that’s your POV, there’s nothing I can say to sway you to consider a power move in another capacity. But think about those times when you’ve started chatting with a woman at the lipstick counter in a shop, or mentioned to a woman that you loved the book she’s reading while you both dine alone at a bar. Haven’t you met some people with whom you otherwise wouldn’t consider as pals under the happenstance of curiosity, under the magic of being open-minded? That’s what’s missing from BHDM. I believe in that curiosity and that magic. If in the midst of that magic, someone sends me a stupid text with a misspelled word, a Dad joke, even a hideous selfie, I mean, c’mon…I’m a grown woman. I’ll speak my mind if it turns into something like nails on a chalkboard.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Gorgeous People. Take risks. Know thyself. Burn down your haystack or invite someone intriguing to meet you in the barn. Take a look at my pal Sophia Chang, who, as she puts it, is the baddest bitch in the room. She’s just doing her thing and she’s loving every minute. Me too, Soph, ME TOO. Maybe THAT’S the needle in the haystack— Young Old self-satisfaction. Because once you have that, you’ll burn down anything else that disrupts it, and you won’t rely on a gaggle of Facebook comments to light the way.

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