Vol. 3, Post #98 M-m-m-my Vagina (it's a singalong!)

Well it's not, but it COULD be. What's up down there, Young Olds? Sex tips for girls* (*or folks who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for YOs (aka, people with readers).

The nurse practitioner leaned back in her chair and smiled broadly at me.

“So everything looks good. Tissue looks moist and healthy. What do you think? Do you want to talk about vaginal estrogen, just in case?”

I was stumped. “Do I NEED to talk about vaginal estrogen, just in case?” I asked.

Her smile widened even more. “EVERYONE should talk about vaginal estrogen.”

I had made a last minute GYN appointment in December in advance of my crappy insurance plan being booted from the practice on the first of the year, and since I am a post-menopausal woman in good health, we ran through the exam rather quickly. As you might imagine, I’m not particularly shy with regard to answering questions about my former reproductive organs which, by my accounting, are now strictly avail for my pleasure, and anyone else’s pleasure with whom I engage. Think about it. Young Old Gynecology MOs: Out = getting pregnant and having babies. In = grown up sex organs that literally have nothing better to do than enjoy the ride.

The NP asked me about painful intercourse, as in, was I having any pain? “No, but I’m also not having any sex right now, so that’s a question I’m not entirely equipped to answer,” I said. “I’m masturbating with no issues but with regard to P in V (that’s penis in vagina, Pardner) penetration, etc.? Nothing going on since earlier this year.”

She didn’t bat an eye. I love this NP. “Think that will change any time soon?” she asked, making notes on her iPad.

I shrugged. “I’m not sure. I think I’m ready to start dating again and of course that will mean sex, but as to whether there will be pain, you mean, from lubrication issues? That’s never been an issue for me.”

(Speaking of lubrication, as it were, see here for Post #8 which is alllllll about squirting, if you’re in the mood to go there.)

The NP continued. “Well, it could be an issue, and going forward, as we age, if you do feel any pain during intercourse, you are going to wish you had a script for vaginal estrogen, so I’m writing you one. You can decide if you want to fill it to have on hand — I would!” And with that, she cheerily stepped out of the exam room and, I’m assuming, sauntered over to someone else’s vagina.

Knowing that the script was winging its way over to my drugstore and that I had no real reason to rush to pick it up, I started asking girlfriends if they were using vaginal estrogen and if yes, was it working?

^^^^ The five-second explosion/fire/holy shit intro to this song? THAT’S how the women with whom I spoke felt about vaginal estrogen. Every one of them looooooooooved it (also, this is a great song and I might learn it on drums.).

So, you’re asking, what’s the fuss about?*

*Menfolk, the following is mostly for you, but just in case some of my Young(er) Olds are perimenopausal or in the throes of menopause, go right ahead and knock back a stiff one (no pun intended), and read on:

If you’re a post-menopausal woman, you no doubt know that the vagina is kind of a persnickety organ. First, there can be vaginal atrophy, related to thinning vaginal walls, accompanying dryness, and a loss of elasticity, caused by, CORRECT, YOU IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM WILDLY WAVING YOUR HAND, a lack of estrogen. Next, and related — vaginal atrophy generally defaults to the “use it or lose it” rule. Regular sexual activity—at least twice a week—increases blood flow to the vagina, which helps maintain tissue health, elasticity, and reduces symptoms. Consistent sexual activity, with or without a partner, prevents the tissue from becoming thin, dry, and less pliable.

We all know that no one likes the idea of an old, musty, rickety vagina with peeling paint and a CONDEMNED sign on the front lawn, and likewise, until recently, no one really took post-menopausal health and wellness seriously, offering up the level of dedicated care the topic deserves. So if it seems that suddenly, more and more Young Old women are talking about vaginal estrogen, using vaginal estrogen, and LOVING vaginal estrogen, well, that’s correct. Apparently, it’s all the rage.

Every woman I spoke with told me that via vaginal estrogen suppositories, like the ones pictured below (with the OF COURSE Ladies Like Pink applicators that deliver a pill-sized dose of cream, used at bedtime, etc.), they were getting wetter, finding that they had more interest in sex, having orgasms the likes of which they hadn’t had since before menopause, even having multiple orgasms. And, a few women also said that they were using the cream on their FACES, since whatever makes your pussy nice and plush like that of an 18-year-old college coed could certainly work wonders on wrinkles.

I was sold. I went DIRECTLY to the drugstore and filled the script!

According to the literature, vaginal estrogen should be used for maintenance twice weekly, or daily if the patient is experiencing pain, dryness, etc.. Gotcha, gotcha. I put the box in my medicine cabinet and made a mental note to keep track of anything that might indicate I need to start using it.

At the time of writing this, I am lover-less. I thought maybe I was getting closer to the ballpark, as it were, with the guy I enjoyed on my date earlier this month, but nah, he’s not for me. He’s one of those “numbers” dudes who says he wants a long-term monogamous relationship but can’t turn down an opportunity for a date with any willing woman. Although we definitely hit it off and had made plans to see each other again, even having the NYC/Catskills convo (he’s there; I’m here), he’s like a kid in a candy store and, well, I know I’m Queen of the JuJuBes. Not interested in just being part of a rotation, Willy Wonka.**

So here I was with a fresh stash of pussy cream, but no real incentive to try it, in the form of a warm body. I rang up my NP.

“I filled the script, and, like I said, I’m not having any sex right now. Should I try it out, maybe just the maintenance twice-a-week schedule even for masturbation? Just to see if I feel any difference?”

“Sure, try it!” she said. “Like I said, doesn’t seem like you need it yet, but see if you feel like it enhances your overall experience because that’s what we want to know. If women like it, they are more apt to use it.”

CAN I GET A GODDAMN AMEN FROM Y’ALL? I MEAN, LOOK AT ME, GOING TO BAT AND DOING GOD’S WORK FOR ALL OF YOU!!!!

It’s a month later…

I am delighted to report back that I DO think my vagina gets wetter when I’m aroused after using vaginal estrogen, even with only the maintenance dose and likewise, orgasms seem to be sort of stronger. The other night, in lieu of any P in V sex, I decided to whip out a dildo whilst also enjoying a clitoral vibrator and ahem, winner winner chicken dinner.

I guess we’ll see what happens when I introduce a real, live other person to the mix, but from what I see and feel, me likey (and as I also enjoy a hardy fuck, I can see how vaginal estrogen may be beyond useful to keep around the house, in case of soreness or a solid case of the All Fucked Outs.). Bonus: I understand that vaginal estrogen is covered by nearly every insurance plan, so no excuses, Dear Readers. Double bonus: for those post-menopausal women who are also suffering from minor incontinence (pee when you sneeze? yup, that’s you), vaginal estrogen is said to improve that too.

And there you have it. So, from my vagina to yours (or to the vagina that you know and love), if post-menopause vaginal blues are making you hit the PAUSE button on sex, I heartily encourage you to talk to your doc as soon as humanly possible. You’ll be, er, back in the pink in no time.

Cue theme song.

** Back to what I wrote above, re. Willy Wonka and his bulging calendar. Do you think people our age who start dating and fall immediately under the allure of SO MANY PEOPLE are looking for abundance, or are they just insecure? I have thoughts on this, as well as what you should tell your date about “seeing other people” in early days, so tune in next week for that.

AND…when I started this Substack, two years ago, I said I’d toss in a recipe every now or then, so here’s my go-to NYTimes Cooking slow cooker chili recipe that is keeping us warm and cozy in this deep freeze here on the East Coast. Pro-move: add in some chopped dried fruit towards the end. I had some past-their-prime dates hanging around my cupboard and they softened and caramelized to perfection. Past-their-prime dates? Hey, that’s another story…