Vol. 3, Post #100 Color Guard

Green, yellow, or red flags? Who's waving what in this chapter? Sex tips for girls* (*or folks who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds (people with readers).

Image from the Clovis East Color Guard squad, Clovis, CA, bless their hearts

Last week, I wrote about how I think Burned Haystack Dating Method was, well, not worth its weight in kindling, as I was finding a pretty hunka hunka burnin’ love via my own methodology, which basically goes like this: “Grown woman vibes only; don’t be afraid to speak your mind, walk away, or take a chance if something piques your interest.” Before we get to this week’s topic, I will let you know that I received seven letters and/or comments from women who had utilized BHDM with success, many of whom said their former relationship issues left them feeling unsure of how to navigate with potential new partners, and a few of them sharing with me what I sadly assumed was the case — which is that they turned to BHDM after they had been in abusive relationships and that this method helped them establish boundaries. I want to be CRYSTAL CLEAR that anytime someone makes a better choice for themselves, that’s a step forward. Conversely, I also received five letters from women who felt like me - that BHDM was too rigid for them. So I’m calling it a basic split and moving on to greener (or yellower, or redder) pastures, because now that I have these guys calling and texting me and asking me on dates, am I learning anything new? Any new red, yellow, green flags rearing their heads in this fresh crop of man meat?

Yes to both questions — the learning afresh and what’s happening in the crop anew. Tell ya all about it.

The first thing that I’m learning is at that our age (and HELLO, I AM 58 TODAY!), there are naturally more widowers in the mix and widowers move slooooooooooow, or at least, the good ones do. I had a date last weekend with one who I think I like and full disclosure…I didn’t know he was a widower until we sat down to coffee; I assumed he was divorced. But no, he is a widower and it sounds like he had a wonderful marriage. This is a green flag. Knowing that someone has deeply loved before denotes that, yes, they could love that way again, and once my date shared his history with me (and we both paused, as I’m sure he was awash in memories and I was quietly thinking how honored I was that this man trusted me with this information), I thought that all of this was a big green flag.

I know there are some people who think widows and widowers are especially optimal to date BECAUSE of their circumstances…because their spouses are dead and therefore not around to meddle or interfere. I don’t feel that way, but I also pay close attention when a man is discussing their deceased spouse, and what they shared, etc. This guy (let’s call him Mr. W) spoke carefully and beautifully about his wife, who sounds like someone I would’ve loved to have known. Artful, interesting, very committed to orgs I also think are important to support.

Mr. W. and I ended up having brunch, not just coffee, and we then went for a walk and afterwards, we came back to my house to listen to some music and drink tea. This would normally be a NO, having someone back to my house this quickly. But again, I paid close attention to our lengthy conversation over eggs, during which a few people I know wandered into the restaurant and when I greeted them, I intro’d my new friend and sat back, watching the way he interacted with everyone. I felt comfortable and safe with him. Listening to music (we argued over which Faith No More singer was best — he’ll never convince me it’s Mike Patton; I am firmly in the Chuck Mosley camp) and drinking tea felt good. We hung out for a few hours longer than I expected and I guess I was thinking that when he left my house, we would’ve had a bigger goodbye kiss, instead of just a peck. This puzzled me a tiny bit…I’m used to a “grand finale” after a good date, especially one that ran over three hours. I was still thinking it over when he called me a few hours later, so I asked him to tell me more about how he looks at intimacy, and he did, sharing his POV on getting close to someone, especially these days as he’s just venturing back into dating after his wife died some years ago. And YES, in our phone conversation, I made it very clear that I wasn’t inviting him to fuck me at this point, but that I was inviting him to step closer to me when we go out again. So, long story short, I’m looking forward to date two, which is in a couple of weeks. Mr. W. is a Green Flag in motion — bonus points because he lives both downstate and up here in the Catskills; he’s around but not TOO around. So far, our follow up phone calls and texts have been fun and engaging, and so I’ll temporarily forgive the Mike Patton Love.

(^^^nope)

I had another date planned for the next afternoon, a guy who REALLY had me buzzing for a bunch of reasons related to similar passions that we share, but I was actually slightly less excited about this other date as it drew nearer, since this guy — let’s call him Kris Kristofferson — was kind of wishy-washy in actually planning the date, and I don’t love that move. He “liked” and reached out to me on Hinge, connecting with me about a common love we share for Nick Cave, and was pretty up front about being interested in getting to know me, but…but!…he also did not ask me on a date right away and I’m not interested in endless chatter when I match with someone online.

(BTW, this is a snippet from Nick Cave at Barclays in April 2025 and I have this on my Hinge profile, with a caption that reads that we’ll “get” each other if you “get” this ^^^)

Kris Kristofferson and I finally had a GREAT phone conversation and a few texts, after which I told my girlfriends “I am totally interested in this guy but unless he asks me out with a solid plan the next time we chat, I’m out.” Well, he did, and so I was off, driving to meet him, excited (even NERVOUS!) but not knowing what to expect. It all seemed really good in the planning, once that happened. We had a super enjoyable connection and OH MY GOD, his life story (he’s got deep roots in the music business but is now in the not-for-profit world) totally turned me on. In a lot of ways, he felt like someone I was “destined” to meet, since, as Dear Readers who tune into this Substack regularly know, I love a creative and I detest someone who is all about money. The only Yellow Flag I could sniff out was how long it took for him to ask me out.

Well…

It was SUCH a great first date that I’m not going to say another word about it. What was supposed to be a coffee turned into a four-hour meetup. I am fairly early-days-smitten. And the subsequent phone action (calls and texts) has been really good too. But I’m not moving him out of Yellow Flag territory until I see how fast he plans the next date.

“Wait a minute, Abbe…he needs to plan the next date? That doesn’t sound like you.”

It’s me. In this chapter, aside from suggesting where I might want to go or do once the guy has moved in to put a date on the calendar, I’m saying and doing NADA. Not for any other reason except I’m still in a wait-and-see head about dating in general. (Remember what I wrote last year? That I’m dating like a man?) and what I meant by this is that I’m keeping things nice and light, eyes and ears open to REALLY SEE AND HEAR what’s going on, not jumping into Love LaLaLa Land — fingers in ears, getting goofy on a guy before I know him. Right now, that means assessing EFFORT. So, Kris Kristofferson could be THE REAL DEAL, and I guess we will know soon enough, won’t we?

(Hats off to the Dear Reader who told me that she learned to masturbate for the first time after discovering Kris Kristofferson as a young woman. In solidarity, I tried masturbating the other night while imagining what fucking MY Kris Kristofferson would be like, and yup, it was hot.)

Onward to the Red Flag Dude.

OK, the Red Flag Dude is kind of compelling (aren’t they all?) and he might not even be a Red Flag, but…

He’s already known among my friends as Black 007. He is GORGEOUS. He is a dandy through and through. He’s got impeccable style and MAJOR swagger. We have been lobbing flirty texts and enjoying phone calls since the moment we connected and he’s now just back from Jamaica (mid-Feb. vacation and he sent interesting photos the whole time, including an eye-rollingly adorable “Happy Valentine’s Day” photo which caused me to respond, “Hot. How many women did you send this photo?” Poking him gently in the ribs, which he laughed off, but we both know the truth, right?), and we’re going out TODAY for a drink before I meet friends for my birthday dinner.

Actually, I made two drink dates for this afternoon before my birthday dinner. Fuck it, why not?

(As in, I Am)

Black 007 is a potential Red Flag In Training because he’s gonna be a handful. He knows he’s hot. I’ve seen his Instagram; he’s got a crowd around him whenever he’s in public. I’ve dated Big Personalities before — including a rather famous butch lesbian performer who can never get enough attention in public — and it’s exhausting. So I guess I’ll see if Black 007 surprises me when we meet up. The whole thing is kind of preposterous, and it’s preposterous enough that I kind of HAVE to go on this date, potential Red Tide and all. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to fuck him or marry him. Right? RIGHT?

Oh, and not enough is known about Drink #2 Dude tomorrow, so not able to run analytics yet. I agreed to meet him as he’s handsome and well-spoken and I’ll take that on my birthday. And he loves Rome. In this moment, that’s more than enough. #itsthelittlethings and you know what? I mean, did you SEE the RFK Jr. & Kid Rock “commercial” for fitness? We are going to hell in a handbasket. Quick, lemme change the subject. Here ya go…a list of 400 rock songs with different names of colors in the titles, from some zany lady in the UK.

So…I’ll report in on the Greens, Yellows, and Reds to come, but for this moment, as I enter my 2nd Saturn return (Pisces, Darlings, it’s seemingly a BIG year for us water babies), I’m my own Color Guard, and I’m ready for the big show!

Happy 58th birthday to me!
Happy 100th post here on Shove! I’m so happy that you’re along for the ride…cue the marching band!

Cedar Park, TX Color Guard doing its thang. Just like I’m doing mine…