Vol. 2, Post #92 The Girlfriends' Guide

Imma show my age with this one. Sex tips for girls* (*or maybe just folks who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds (people with readers).

Ignore the photo of Gwynnie for second (we’ll get back to her) and riddle me this, Batman: if you are roughly my age (turning 58 in February!), and you had kids or your besties had children, you most likely knew this book, correct?

Vicki Iovine (married at the time to music mogul Jimmy) made waves with this title, as it approached pregnancy and early motherhood with an eye on practicality and smart-assery — a stark contrast to What To Expect When You Are Expecting and other pastel pink and blue birth bibles. Vicki went on to write The Girlfriends’ Guide on related topics like the toddler years, etc.; I think the couple divorced in 2009.

I loved Vicki’s breezy, who-gives-a-shit attitude, didn’t you? I can remember two distinct paragraphs from that first book that I took to heart. The first was about how pregnancy and first months of motherhood were like a flesh-eating bacteria in your brain and how you forgot nearly ANYTHING the minute after it crossed your mind. Her example of a way to combat that stayed with me. She said, in summary, that if you were out of shampoo, just toss the empty bottle out of the shower and onto the floor, which will, at some point, cause you to pick up the bottle and carry it to your garbage, and on the way to the garbage, make a note to “buy shampoo” on the handy-dandy note pad you kept for such purposes. I still do this (post-menopause brain can be just like new mommy brain). The other paragraph advice that stayed with me? Don’t be weird about giving birth when and if it bucks against your perceived “perfect plan” and all doesn’t go according to your wishes. She was speaking of caesarean birth, which, at the time, many people were very adverse to having unless natural birth failed. Vicki wrote, “Last time I checked, there are no awards given for best birth. If you leave the hospital with a breathing infant, you win.” I loved that. My son was a scheduled C-Section as he was breech and transverse (sideways, that freak) and my C was a breeze.*

*And now I get to say what I still enjoy about having a C, which was I much preferred to do Pilates to tighten my abs and keep a nice tight vagina (you knew that was coming, right?)

Um, Abbe, why are you writing about baby books? What the fuck is going on?

I’m not writing about baby books. I’m writing about the books that came out after Vicki started this trend of reality-based “how to” guides, focused on topics like pregnancy, parenthood, et al, most of which was previously considered to have only one “correct” POV up until that point. This modern take on what had been a long-outdated, and even old-fashioned view of women, sex, and motherhood birthed (no pun intended) a ton of other titles. Including this book, which was, again, widely read by my age bracket:

AND…what came next? The men, chiming in to have their say. Here was Cathi’s husband Daniel’s response essay collection, published shortly after hers:

I enjoyed both of these books (and was recently paging through them as I was cleaning off the shelves in my library at home). They had breakthrough writing from some of the sassiest, sardonic, and spot-on minds of the moment, revisiting topics and traditional tropes as old as dirt. Seemed like Cathi and Daniel had it pretty tied up, in terms of figuring out how to make a marriage work. They even founded The New York Times’ “Modern Love” column!

And now…Cathi and Daniel are split too.

Written by Cathi, this essay ran last week. I’m including a gift article link here so you can enjoy. It’s really good, and I encourage ALL of my Dear Readers to click through.

Now do you understand why the image of GP up top? She and Chris Martin** may have personified “conscious uncoupling” for the world to see and smirk at, but in fact it’s a beautiful thing to behold when it works, and as Cathi writes about her and Dan, moving through a split in a way whereas you don’t rip each other to pieces is most certainly a gift.

**Also, I’m not revealing how I know this, but it’s via two different women with first-hand knowledge. Apparently CM has a horse cock. HUGE.

Back to the topic at hand. What does it say when the founders of the “Modern Love” column split? Isn’t anything sacred? Doesn’t anyone stay together for better or worse?

The answer is, of course they do but a lot of people do not and if you fall in to that category? You are in good company. Particularly among Young Old women.

With the recent Vogue magazine article entitled “Is having a boyfriend embarrassing now” (does anyone else find the headline syntax on this to be weird?) aside, there is most certainly a trend among aging women to go it alone. Take a list to Maryjane and her posse on IG at @gloriousbroads:

@gloriousbroads

Glorious Broads on Instagram: "More clips from a conversation w…

How about this comment on the reel, related to when Maryjane says “the big L” never arrived for her:

To be clear, I don’t think having a boyfriend is embarrassing, now or ever, since I’ve never been subjugated by a man; to me, the whole idea of partnership is, in fact, rooted in equality for me. So, at some point, I’d ENJOY a boyfriend again and I’m sure I’ll have one. The HAVING to have one? Yeah, ship = sailed.

I bring this up — and apologies for publishing a day late but I’m still coming off of a Thanksgiving break when I had a full house and lots to do during and after the holiday — because among my list of Girlfriends — many of whom read those books right alongside me — there is a healthy number of Young Olds who are, sure, looking for love, but not remotely concerned that they either won’t find it again or that IF they welcome it into their lives at this stage, it will have to come with some wildly different terms. That goes for the Guyfriends too.

I love what Cathi wrote about the end of her THIRTY-THREE(!!!) year marriage, and it reminded me of something that Hilary Swank said of her divorce, speaking with Vanity Fair after her “Million Dollar Baby” award season success.

“It takes two to make something work or not work... In the end, it just didn’t work, but I would never look back on this relationship as failed. I look at it as 13 1/2 years of success,” said Swank. PS — I repeated this quote often after my 16 year relationship and marriage to my ex-husband ended, giving her credit even though I never saw that movie.

Because what Swank said was Grace Personified. And we need more of it.

The holiday season can be tough on Singles. While I’m enjoying my burrowing in, I know others who are fretting about how the holidays “used to be” with a spouse, or partner, if they find themselves suddenly in an empty bed or a house less than full.

With that in mind, I’m dedicating this week’s post to all of the divorced/single again Young Olds who are joyfully finding their footing, either on Love’s Path again or on a solo leg of the journey at age 48, 58, 68, it goes on…and as your Girlfriend, it is my pleasure to lead (to Guide???) us into the next chapters.

Because it’s true. The Big L is a life well lived. Balls out, everyone. Let’s DOOOO this!