Vol. 2, Post #90 My imaginary dating profile

If we really said what we want others to know before the first date. Sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds (people with readers).

As mentioned, I went on a date with a super nice, attentive guy, who is generous and mannerly. And as mentioned. I was bored. I gave him another shot last night. Nope. I’m completely underwhelmed by how I feel around him. Which leads me to this…

There is seemingly very little heat between us, and because that’s OBVIOUS to me, I decided to bring it up. “So, how do you feel about physicality in general. Do you miss sex? I do. I haven’t had any for the majority of this year. How about you?”

His response? He “moves slowly” and he’s really enjoying the “get to know you” part of dating me, which…I guess?…explains why he kissed me goodnight on the cheek as our date ended. I think he thinks this is charming. I think it’s the nail in the coffin for me.

NOT because I wanted to fuck him and feel thwarted. I didn’t know if I wanted to fuck him before (and now I’m pretty sure that I don’t want to fuck him in the future). The “nail in the coffin” is because he’s showing me his interest by picking up the check and opening doors for me as a mating call. That’s not the way to get my attention. I do enjoy someone who wants to pick up a check, but a fat wallet doesn’t make me hot. To be clear, I don’t want to date someone who can never pick up the check, but I’m not looking for Daddy. I’m not one of those women who wants a companion to keep her from being lonely on a weekend or needs someone to look after her as she ages and potentially gets slower or infirm. No no NO, I say, and with no judgment for anyone who does want that.

Below, from my pal who knows the guy IRL…and she is spot on, particularly the “would like to be ravished”

And surprisingly, there are lots of women (for that matter, people) out there who do want that (am I naive?), the bulging wallets and the dumb-ass check ins (I’ve said this before: once we are A Thing, you can tell me all about what you ate for lunch. If you’re courting me, skip it). I’ve received DOZENS of messages regarding Mr. Manners that all read, “If you don’t want him, pass him along to me!” I can count on both hands the number of women I know who are my age, all Young Olds, who would LOVE to have a boyfriend to pay for dinners, concert tickets, movies, etc. and be on tap for any time a Plus One is needed. I don’t need or want to yuck that yum, but that’s not dating, or love, to me. I’m not Laura Petrie and I’m not going to sleep in a twin bed.

This morning, I had this thought: What if all the Young Old Singles in the world made online dating profiles that showed us/them in the most honest and, therefore, compelling way? What if you put yourself out there in a manner that immediately screened out MOST of the people you come across online, but beckoned a smattering of brave souls to step forward?

With this in mind, here’s what my dating profile would look like/sound like if it were possible to post something that was an absolute trainwreck of a reality check. Keep in mind that I made these videos while on a break from the Tarot shop where I sometimes read, so they are tiny bit rough and certainly not filtered in any way; I might have a booger in my nose for one of the clips? If you can’t handle me with a booger, you don’t deserve me when I don’t.

Here’s my “About” in my fantasy online dating profile. Look! You can eliminate me immediately from your rotation if Glamazons aren’t your thing. I graduated from the Russ Meyer Academy, after all.

Here’s my “About YOU” — I’m semi-fluid when it comes to “types,” probably because I’ve come to understand that Desire has a great imagination. I skew young when it comes to dating and I like hair (on top of your head; bald is a hard sell for me. It’s my profile and I don’t care if that sounds exclusionary. Men do this all the time). Prove me wrong about my type? Or not. We’re separating the wheat from the chaff here.

What else makes you YOU?

AND NEEDLESS TO SAY…

What I need: A vulnerable weirdo, who keeps an eye on sexy or is very sex-positive, and, related, open. More on “open” in a few.

More on VULNERABLE!

Why Weirdos work…

Sex. Get some. With our older, imperfect bodies. A former lover and I used to love to make videos of us fucking and once I remarked to him that Donald Trump as the possessed child in “The Exorcist” looked more appetizing than us, in variously states of grotesque panting and flailing. He was floored. “You are the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen in person or in my fantasy life. I can’t get enough of you.” That’s the kind of man I want to date.

Why “open” is a whole other vibe, related, but, well, separate and just as important to me.

Ready for the “Playboy Centerfold turn ons and turn offs” portion of the profile? Btw, I fucked up. I started with things that I like and then quickly switched over to what I don’t like — so I got a partial redo with the second clip. In the online dating world, it’s actually not such a turn on to spell out what you don’t like, but here? All bets are off!

In conclusion — some other rando shit that I love, and yes, I’m telling you my astrological signs as well as what will never work with me as a potential partner for you, with an eye on the future. Remember, this is my make-believe online dating profile, but of course, it WOULD be fun to post it.

This ^^^ would be the fine print — where I tell you how to get my attention and hold it, by asking me lots of questions about big and small stuff, by showing me that you’re for real, and by showing me that you want me to be the cherry on your sundae. By the way, as you probably guessed, I’m delicious.

Art up top: Wayne Thiebaud’s “Tulip Sundaes” from 2010.