Vol. 2, Post #86 Hos, Hoes, and Hooold The Thought

"Is all that for me?"My weekly sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds (people with readers).

A few weeks ago, I started thinking, “Well, you haven’t written about fucking in some time…”

This was further reiterated in my mind when I enjoyed a delightful dinner earlier this week with a young friend, newly separated, who told me, “I want some advice from you. I’m entering what feels like my Ho Period and I need some words of wisdom and encouragement.”

I was struck by this for a few reasons. First, the younger set is using the completely antiquated but still kinda sorta sweet term “ho” and second, because she thought I’d have something to share on the topic. Actually, I do.

Like my younger friend, I was married in my early twenties, then divorced by my late thirties, followed by another long-term relationship, so that when I hit 48, I realized, whooooaaaa, I kind of skipped over that Fuck Around & Find Out Period in my twenties. Which, I suppose, is why, after another multi-year relationship ended as Covid subsided, I was all about exploration and all manner of fun. I heartily enjoyed both.

So when my pal asked me for some advice, I thought, “Well, if was her age (roughly twenty years younger than me), what would I be doing when it came to sex?”

And the answer was: Precisely what I am doing now. Which is not much, but not for lack of trying. I’ll explain.

To begin, I am climbing the walls for one man in particular right now, and as hinted in prior posts, it’s an incredibly slow burn. Not a bad thing. The energy between us is pretty pronounced and I am entertaining all manner of fantasies around him and me right now. As in, lately, I’ve been playing around with the soft lighting in my bedroom and dipping into the lingerie drawer to see what still turns me on, ever since my former Demon Lover and I broke up and I sort of lost my taste for lingerie for a bit. Let’s just say it’s back, with a vengeance. I’m imagining all sorts of scenarios whereas he notices I’m wearing something risque under my seriously worn denim shirt as we linger over dinner at one of our houses (we tend to meet up for loooooooong dinners) and after that? Well, I’d love him to rip my clothes off. I’m imagining unbuttoning his jeans and literally devouring him. I’m imagining running my fingers through his hair and wrapping ourselves around each other after sex, sweaty and satiated beyond words.

And then I pour myself a tall, cold glass of water and remind myself that this needs to be a nice and easy and SLOOOOOOW courtship for a million reasons that are too personal to him to share here, so…I won’t. No, he’s not married.

Getting to know this man has been one of the most fascinating and exciting new chapters I’ve had in a long, long time. We are exceedingly comfortable together and obviously curious about each other. And so…as I just said…I wait. Something this potentially juicy is worth the wait. And I don’t just want to fuck him. I want to care for him. I like him. A LOT a lot. As I said, this feels Big. And like the Tarot card, The Seven of Pentacles up on top on this post, which features a figure leaning on his hoe, taking a rest while he assesses what he’s already uncovered, the message is the same. Take breaks when you need it, but keep going. You are on the right path.

Big or not, this ^^^ does not help my young friend above, however, with advice as it pertains to her Ho Period. Well, maybe it does. Appreciating and savoring a slow burn is hot as hell.

Anyway, next up…

I recently pulled the plug on a potential lover who checks A LOT of my usual boxes (OK fine, he’s a chef. Shut up). He’s also much younger than me and has not had as much experience as me, so THOSE masturbation fantasies (and there have been a ton of them — I had thought that maybe menopause had knocked down my libido, but honestly, I cannot keep my hands off myself as of late) include teasing him until he’s about to lose his mind, etc. and then properly schooling him. He has great looking, big, fat, meaty hands. They totally turn me on. I have worked out several exceptionally detailed scenarios with this guy.

Now, I literally could have THIS ^^^ signed, sealed, and delivered but for one thing. The dude is not entirely available and I don’t do that. Here’s where the slightly shitty part comes in. Until VERY recently, this guy was acting as if he was a lot less encumbered than he actually is. We’ve been dancing around each other for some time now but it was only last week that I put him on the spot and asked him for a more detailed description on his narrative, and yup. Not entirely cleared for takeoff, as it were.

And so, after that, I changed his contact info in my phone. To this:

Sooooo, when he texts me, this is what shows up: “The Lesson You Don’t Need To Learn Again.”

Now, THAT’s something I can share with my beloved HOTtie — Ho In Training. Do. Not. Fuck. Around. With. Anyone. Who. Belongs. To. Someone. Else. Even if they have one foot out the door. It will just cause trouble for everyone, and I guarantee, you will not be a Happy Ho.

This harkens back to a lesson DEEPLY learned with my Demon Lover. He was available, in that he was separated, and on his way to divorce. He and his now-ex-wife did not live together. But they did have a restaurant together (shut up) and even after he and I were together for some time, I wasn’t welcome in their place of business. Nor was he free to be seen out and about with me at their friends’ places of business. And until I put my foot down and said, “What the actual FUCK?!!?” I allowed that bad behavior. It was partially because I didn’t care that I couldn’t sit on a barstool in his restaurant, and likewise, that we couldn’t snuggle up in a cozy booth together, lest someone gossip with his ex-wife. There were plenty of other places for us to be, but…BUT. That’s not the point, is it? Never again will anyone be A Lesson I Don’t Need To Learn (ahem, Again).

As this pertains to my friend and her burgeoning Hoship, this is good reminder of what to ALWAYS hold on to, as you move through the new world of dating and hooking up. Hindsight, as we know, is indeed everything. A bit of street wisdom from Greenwich Ave. below.

So far, I’m kind of striking out with regard to any groundbreaking advice for my friend, aren’t I? Besides my (duh) standard: always use condoms — and if my son was reading this, he’d groan because almost as soon as he emerged from my womb, I constantly reminded him to ALWAYS USE CONDOMS. So that’s rather low-hanging fruit for my girlie.

Another scenario that I suppose MIGHT inform some of her next Ho moves and maybe is even so facile in its simplicity that it needs no space here, but what the hell…I’ve got two men who turn me on, neither of whom are fucking me right now, so I’ll go there. Rose Castorini, your patron saint. Sing out, Sister.

Now, for me, I was recently smacked right the fuck in the face with this one, when someone who does some work around my house decided to proclaim his ardor for me. Very The Postman Always Rings Twice, no? EITHER version (Lana Turner and John Garfield or Jessica Lange and Jack)!

And do you know why you don’t shit where you eat? Even when the guy in question who is offering to ravish you could EASILY fuck you into the next zip code (big guy. I mean, BIG, BIG, BIG GUY!) Because there will be talk. Talk is cheap. Cheap is cheap. The best hos know that we don’t do cheap. Ever.

I am ALL IN FAVOR of my Lady Fair getting it on with as many young bucks as she wants to entertain, but as in all things in midlife for Young Olds (she’s actually a tish too young to be a Young Old, but I’m making her an honorary YO HO for this week), ever the simplest desires become more complicated as we age. So while I understand her longing for a nice easy Ho Period, it’s easier said than done, isn’t it?

Ok, I’ll leave you with a tidbit from another pal, who isn’t so much a Ho but one of my favorite Lovergirls. She loves Love. She loves hard and deep. And she’s also a fan of gay male porn. Specifically, Bear Porn. Y’all know what that is, yes? In slang, “Bear” most commonly refers to a gay man who is large, hairy, and typically muscular, and therefore, Bear Porn is the kind of kink where Bears are getting it on with other Bears. One afternoon, she and I were yakking on the phone and she told me that she heard a line tossed out in a Bear flick that she had enjoyed, and wasn’t it just the greatest? This was the line:

“Is all that for me?”

I mean, that’s a SUPERB line! Think about if you were taking off your clothes with someone new and they astonished you with their…presentation. I’m pretending (or fantasizing) about using that line with someone soon. Feel free to steal it. Bear, cub, or even otter (look it up; that’s also a thing), I can’t imagine one person alive who wouldn’t relish that sort of anticipated adoration. Jesus, I am horny.

Ho ho ho, Dear Readers xoxoxo