Vol. 2, Post #81 Dear Tracy

Think we're only calling out the men? Think again. My weekly sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, (people with readers).

Last week, I penned an open letter to men who get too sexy too quickly in their online chat with women they don’t know, a semi-humorous take on a truly eye-rolling topic. So, because turnabout is fair play, below is my sized-to-fit-all letter to women who endlessly churn the motives of the men they too do not know beyond some initial chat or early days dating. Women, pay attention to what I’m about to tell you.

Yes, I know we all can get extremely granular when we’re trying to “figure out” who someone is. But maybe that someone is actually giving you some pretty clear, direct messaging and you’re just ignoring it, playing dumb, OR instead, focusing on sleuthing out every imagined nuance in a DM, every unsaid utterance on a phone call.

Sound familiar? Who’s sat around with their posse and asked, “Let me read you this text; tell me what you think?”

I’m not even going to ask you to raise your hand and cop to doing this, because WE’VE ALL DONE THIS, but it’s time to cut it out, once and for all — all that speculation as to “why” a man does what he does. All those circular conversations with your lady friends about “what do you think he means when he says this.” All that conjecture. All that “2+2 usually equals 4, except not this time.”

I wrote about ways to curb this maddening impulse a few weeks again, in this post, and even before that, here. Likewise, tomorrow, my pals at Jenny Magazine are running my updated/expanded piece on this, which dives deeper into my desire (and intent) to “date like a man,” but in a nutshell, if you are a woman, here’s how to date without stress, at any age:

Remember that men reveal their intentions in the efforts they make to talk to you, to see you, and to be present with you, and if he is making zero or less than optimal efforts, he is not interested.

The end.

So, here goes…

Dear Tracy (the name seems to go well with Last Week’s Kevin, doesn’t it?),

I’m sorry you’re struggling with what to do about Kevin. He DOES seem like a good guy and you two appear to be suited for each other in a lot of different ways. From what you’ve told me, seems like y’all are enjoying a yummy first blush buzz of dating delight over this last month (oh, it’s two months already? Times flies when you’re a Young Old!), and yeah, I get that you didn’t intend to start catching feelings for him so soon, but fucking tends to advance all of that. I know it does for me.

But now, I understand that you’re stuck in that annoying vortex of “What’s going on?!” whereas you’re analyzing Kevin’s every text, call, or absence/delay in texting or calling and it’s making you crazy. Sorry to hear that. However, since I’ve been where you are now, I have some pretty good advice, in the form of a sanity check from dating coach Evan Marc Katz, who might sound a little douche-y, but stay with me on this.

Evan markets himself as an expert on dating and I think his summation of why men do what they do is goddamn spot on, as infuriating as it may be, since Evan actually does not have a degree in psychology and, further, seems a little “bro” for my taste (like the kind of guy who probably wears a baseball cap with sunglasses resting on the brim, which is the world’s biggest clit-softener, in my opinion).

Actually, Evan is like any number of younger “dating dudes” online these days, capitalizing on their ability to offer women “the real deal” on coupling up — demystifying what men are thinking as to eliminate guesswork on the part of the women. I stumbled onto Evan because I follow a bunch of these guys as part of my own homework for this Substack. Fine print: Evan is actually now in his early 50s. When I think about the young’uns who are preaching to the ladies, my money is usually on this succulent, tender morsel named Niko Emanuilidis (a mere babe at 30 years old), who runs “The Daddy Academy.” He’s hilarious, and the one to watch for the eye candy alone, but I gotta give it to Mr. Katz in this instance; he nailed it. That’s him again below, by the way. OK, no baseball cap. Maybe he’s more of a fraternity sweatshirt. Ugh, I’m such a bitch.

Anyhoo, here’s what Evan says on this topic of “Is he truly interested in getting serious, or is this just a situationship or similar bullshit?” in one of his blogs, where he addresses a reader’s question about “Where is this relationship going?” Not a drop of fat in his prose; this is pure OUCH. Tracy, take a read:

First, a basic fact that you need to get, deep in your bones

Men reveal themselves in their efforts.

Nothing else they do matters.

Which is why you can have an incredible first date which doesn’t lead to a second date.

Or a best friend/fuck buddy who doesn’t want to make a commitment.

Or a two-year-relationship that doesn’t result in marriage.

In other words, he can be attracted to you, want to be in love, dream of having children, and yet be perfectly content biding his time with you for a year until he finds the woman he does want to marry. You may say he’s using you. Maybe. Maybe not. But as long as you’re both happy in the relationship, does it really matter?

I can almost hear you screaming, “Yes! Yes, it matters! I want to find love, my biological clock is ticking, I feel all this pressure, and I don’t want to waste my child-bearing years with some jackass who doesn’t know the meaning of ‘shit or get off the pot’!”

Very well, then. Leave him.

Voila. You have your answer.

If he refuses to let you go, you have your husband. If he lets you leave, you have your freedom.

And here’s a link to the full post Evan wrote on the subject, if you want more. Evan makes this so simple that it’s actually sort of painful (truth hurts).

Tracy, stop shaking your head at me. This guy Evan is correct. Here, let me give you one more slice of Evan before you push back from the proverbial table. Here’s what he advised that same woman, who was questioning what “to do,” further along in his blog post:

Don’t do anything.

Seriously. That’s it. “Don’t do anything.”

As a woman, you just have to sit back and let him do what he wants.

This is the single simplest way to understand how to deal with men, and yet women drive themselves nuts.

You try to learn what “games” to play, or how to “figure men out”, or “how to make him commit” to you. It’s all bullshit. There’s nothing to know beyond what we’re DOING.

So…Tracy…back to Kevin…

Yes, I KNOW Kevin went through a bad divorce and has some trust issues, and yes, I KNOW that his job is particularly stressful since he got a big promotion, and yes, I KNOW that his father just went into assisted living and yes, I KNOW that blah blah blah blah. OF COURSE there are always extenuating circumstances that run interference in the lives of every Young Old man (or woman, or person, or human). Doesn’t matter. Because, Tracy, remember what Evan said? If he makes an effort, he’s interested. Otherwise, he’s not and I’m sorry to tell you that there is zero wiggle room with this, but that’s in fact the way it goes. To that extent, you — my beautiful, vivacious, charming friend — need to do positively nothing, other than suss out if an effort is being made. Literally, there’s your assignment. Stop doing anything else. And stop reading into “why” Kevin’s not making an effort, if indeed he’s not. Just move on.

I soooooo get that this is easier said than done, Tracy. Do I need to remind you yet again about F., my super sexy but insanely complicated boyfriend who I dated while he was ending his marriage, when he was basically operating with the emotional stability of of a toddler who had missed naptime? He’d go silent for days when he was “in a mood.” He would tell me all about the trials and tribulations of his seemingly dead-end work life but asked very few questions about what was happening in my world. He was almost never available to actually TALK on the phone, and he blew off my birthday one year in the worst, cowardly way. And why did I forgive him over and over, besides the fact that the sex was outlandishly good? It was because I assumed that since he loved me, he wanted to do better. He did love me. He also had no intention to do better, because I let his crappy behavior slide; I gave him tacit permission to continue in that vein. I justified it all by saying that when we were together, I knew that he thought the sun rose and set on my gorgeous white ass, because I saw the love in his eyes and felt it in his touch, but the rest of the time, outside of our long, lost weekends together? ZERO effort. Had I listened to Evan’s advice, I would’ve ended it much earlier than I did and saved myself a pool of tears. F. only made efforts in response to MY efforts. Thumbs’ down, BIG TIME.

Tracy, I know that you can sense some pretty great things in Kevin but I also hear how anxious you are when he hasn’t called you for a few days, or how it’s hard for you to make plans to bring him to a dinner party next month because you’re not sure if you are a “we” yet. Believe me when I say to you, Tracy, you deserve a man who wants to be part of your “we” equation. Take the advice from Evan: Assess effort and see where this shakes out. Or, have a convo with Kevin if you need to actually confirmation that he’s “in it to win it,” but get ready to walk away if he’s not, and be prepared to stay gone. You’ve been dating long enough that his intentions should be clear — and so should your action plan. On that note, you don’t have to FLOUNCE out of the relationship or cause a big stinky scene if you two in fact are not built to go the distance. Just ask Kevin, in a quiet moment, “Hey, I really like spending time with you and these few months of getting to know each other make me feel like I want more of that. Is that what you’re envisioning too?” See what he says, and just as importantly, see what he DOES. He steps it up? Great. You’re in a relationship with Kevin that might have real legs. He goes quiet, has to think about it, isn’t sure he’s ready? Walk.

That’s it — I know it seems like something this easy to do (nothing) wouldn’t yield such telling results, but in this instance, I think you can take page from Evan’s book and just kick back. I’m actually telling all of my single Young Old girlfriends about this stoopidly silly advice, because since I started following it myself, my own dating life has gotten much much more manageable. Out of the mouths of babes — and when I say Babe, I don’t mean that youngster Evan (or Niko, grrrrrrrrr). I mean YOU, Tracy. Babelicious in every way. Put down the talking stick. We’re done here. xoxo

Up top, Winona, wringing her hands and heart over a dude in “Heathers,” the 1988 film which yielded not just the line “Fuck me gently with a chainsaw” but also includes one of the douchiest guys ever seen on screen who tells our young lady at a frat party, “Save the speeches for Malcolm X; I just wanna get laaaaaid.” Funnily enough, one of my Dear Readers here at Shove knows the actor who uttered this line, and she reports that, just like the rest of us, he too has aged, perhaps like a fine wine but maybe more like a hunk of cheese? Oh, and this guy? YOU KNOW he wears a baseball cap with sunglasses on the brim. Oh the humanity…