Vol. 2, Post #78 Getting “healthy” enough to date

Conscientious? More like bullshit. My weekly sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, (people with readers).

A woman friend of mine texted me to tell me about a “totally delicious” lunch date that she had enjoyed, and sadly, there was a “but...”

“Great chemistry; we ordered exactly the same thing, touched each other in that playful ‘newly meeting up’ way, and had a fabulous kiss goodbye. And then he messaged me afterwards that he’s decided to focus on ‘getting healthy’ and some personal issues. Beats me,” she said with a shrug that I could see even in her text.

My pal has an incredibly healthy attitude about dating, so this is hardly the kind of thing that will stop her in her tracks, but still, we were scratching our heads for a minute. If the date was so great, why did the guy shy away from a second one?

The catch-all answer to that question, often times, is the worst kind of bullshit. A green juice garnished with a big stinky turd. A yoga class that ends not with Namaste but with Oooooh nooooo! Feelings! Lazy, lonely bullshit. Probably the killer of more potential relationships than erectile dysfunction, bad combovers, or introducing your date to your kids too fast, combined.

There are a lot (A LOT) of lazy lonely people, who sport date to say they are putting themselves out there when in fact, they’re only out to prove to themselves that they can date, before retreating to their Sad Solo Caves and cavalierly announcing, “Look at me! I’d LIKE to date, but first, I need to get healthy!”

Honey, it’s 2025 and we’re Young Olds. No one is healthy.

OK, I’m kidding, but hear me out…

In the roughly nine months I’ve been single (dating, but still single), I’ve gone on a few of those kind of great first dates too. The kind where the air is electric, and the kiss is magical, and you can’t stop talking and interrupting each other, and even the banter is charged with just the right amount of smartassery and honest admissions of emotional lumps and bumps. And then someone gets cold feet, or realizes there might be, I dunno, driving involved, or whatever. And then? “I’ve decided I need to spend some time on ME, getting healthier as I look towards my next chapters.” Young Old cold feet mixed with narcissism and avoidance. It’s ridiculous and so not sexy. Do I need to spell it out for you? JUST DON’T GO ON THE DATE IN THE FIRST PLACE. JUST STAY OFF THE APPS UNLESS YOU WANT TO MEET UP. Wait, you DO need me to spell that out?!?!?

Now, there ARE good reasons to call the whole thing off in early days, of course (we’ll get to those). And likewise, no matter what the reason, being gracious is the way to go. Gracious = Grown Up. Suddenly feeling an urge to practice good mental health hygiene and therefore blindsiding your date by saying you’re now benched for the foreseeable future is neither of those things. Basically, it’s lying, but not the kind of lying that someone does ahead of getting a date, when they shave off ten years or fifty pounds. It’s the kind of lying that is supposed to give you the impression that your date is evolved. They’re not. They’re (repeat after me) lazy and lonely and that’s the classic clash that keeps those people single (and searching for love).

In my first few connects on Hinge when I went back to dating after breaking up with The Boyfriend, when the company gifted me a membership in exchange for writing about my experiences online (I’d give it a solid B+), I met three men who all sought me out (in other words, they “liked” something on my profile and started the conversations) and all three of them, within a few back-and-forths, told me something about their “free time” being limited that smelled, to me, like this precise bunch of bullshit. It seemed that they were just interested in chatting online and once I said to all three of them that it was nice to meet on Hinge, but that I was only interested in talking with men who wanted to make dates, one of them just went silent for a day or two (so I unmatched with him; easy peasy) and the others came back and told me that upon reflection, they (both -- imagine that!?) had work stressors that needed attention, so could they circle back to the conversation at a later date? “Not really interested in putting a pin in such a new connection, but good luck with work,” I wrote to both of them, and also unmatched with them, again, no problem. Part of me wondered, like my friend up top here wondered, why go online and/or go on dates only to just dink? Because it’s not about them not being attracted to me, or to my pal. Read that again.

For those of you who are sitting in front of a screen, thinking about why someone hasn’t texted you back, or why they’ve gone silent after a good date, or why they haven’t even asked you out in the first place after expressing real interest over phone calls and texts, refer to my short but sweet answer: Lazy and lonely. Just accept it and move on without giving even a minute’s thought to what YOU could’ve done to make the connection stronger. Yes, I can hear that conversation you’re having with yourself. Nothing you could’ve done. I promise. And it’s not any kind of whoop.

It's slightly maddening, isn’t it, to be an accomplished, happy, healthy Young Old, still flourishing in your career, still curious about the world, still interested in sex and love, and yet have to deal with the people who are PRECISELY the opposite and pretend that it’s normal to engage like gangbusters and then decide, hmmm, maybe this isn’t for me. Oh sure, yes, that was a fun chat or a great first date. Now let’s never see or speak to each other again!

Because do you know what the biggest turn off is for our age demographic, in my opinion? People or activities that waste our time.

I wish I could say that it was easy to spot these “I need to get healthy” types who fade back into the woodwork for no reason, but it’s not. They present as “real” and it’s not until after you’re reasonably interested in getting to know more about them that they tend to find a reason why that won’t be happening. And we all know what happens after that, correct? Suddenly, these flighty fantasy dates become even MORE attractive in their elusiveness. Best to be like my pal (or me – I’ll pat myself on the back here for a minute) and just move along. It’s not you. On that note, a painting from Eric Stefanski below.

Do you recall Mr. Breaking My Own Three Rules who I went out with earlier this spring? We had a sensational first date and plans for a second one. The texting was smart and sophisticated. The phone calls were long and interesting. And then in advance of our second date, he called me and sounded distinctly…different.

“Hey, this week sucked. I realized that my kids are having a truly tough time with this divorce and all of us need more therapy around this. I was thinking we could take the summer off. We can’t. And to be completely honest, even though I’m a little bit sickened to say this out loud? I’m also thinking I need to re-engage with my sponsor. My sobriety feels a tiny bit tenuous.”

Now, THAT is a good reason to cancel a date. I wished Mr. Three Rule nothing but peace and sanity (his divorce HAD sounded fraught and not nearly neatly put to bed when we met — something he admitted and I seconded). We’ve spoke once or twice since then. Yup, he’s in the shit. Def. not ready to date.

Contrast that with a guy I also met on Hinge — and again, he connected with me. After I looked over his profile, I noted that he lived two hours away and asked him what he thought about that. He breezed right over it and said it was no biggie; that for a working musician who is often on the road, it was child’s play. I answered him that since my last major relationship was in fact long distance AND that I liked the independence of not being tied at the hip to whomever I’m dating, that was fine for me too. Chatting commenced. He liked to chat.

After what was enough “intro” talk for me, I wrote (twice) that while I thought Hinge was just ducky, I wasn’t interested in endless chat online and did he want my number? He did. I supplied it. He did not call. He did not text. About half a week went back (all the while I was starting to hang out with the guy I’ve referred to here as My Crush — someone I like who is most certainly a slow burn. I like that too.) and I realized I never actually heard from Mr. Working Musician after I told him I wanted to get off the app. I started to type out a message to him on Hinge, something about how no call, no text, no thanks…and then I realized, nope, don’t need to do any of that. No need to explain yourself to someone who is literally just chatting for the sake of, well, chat. I just unmatched from him and now I can’t even remember his name.

You see what I’m doing here, yes? We are conditioned to think that when someone walks away from us — under the guise of work duties, of family obligations, their mother just went into assisted living, their dog died, their ex-wife is getting remarried and the kids are flipping out — that is an invitation to UP THE ANTE! Audition HARDER. Do MORE. SHOW THEM WHAT THEY ARE MISSING!

And in the case of my pal and her lunch date who told her out of the blue that he’s getting ‘healthy”? Sounds good. She doesn’t need some half-baked phoney. She’s plenty healthy herself. She should seek out someone who also is ready to date, not just ready to bat eyelashes at her from across a crowded text message.

So, take a moment, Dear Reader. Are you the person who takes rejection personally even when you smell a rat? Is the other person giving you a thumbs’ down akin to a swift kick in the ego? If so, I’m inviting you to take another look at any of your dates or meetups or matches online or eye contact moments in a crowded bar — starters that seemed promising, until they mysteriously were not. Did you make charming conversation, chew with your mouth closed, offer to pay your way, and remember little details about your date which shows them that you’re paying attention? Great. You’re golden. And if they suddenly need to “get healthy” or step off dating five minutes into meeting you? They were never on the market in the first place. Here’s to YOUR good health. Keep on moving, Loveydoos!