Vol. 2, Post #76 Dating like a man, Part II

Less Is More -- More of my "dating like a man" MO. My weekly sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, (people with readers).

Glenn Close in “Jagged Edge” having her day in court — and looking like a fierce babe, right? That tight lady suit nipped at the waist? Sister has HIPS! Gorgeous!

One of the most intriguing and delightful parts of writing this Substack is that on the days that follow my Wednesday posts, I can track any number of details about the post, like how many Young Olds opened it/read it, and where the traffic came from (was it a subscriber? someone who saw it on social media? did the reader just stumble onto me randomly? etc. etc.)

I am flattered beyond belief — like SUPER DUPER FLATTERED!!!! — that my open/read rate is usually high and that I engage not only with new readers but with new subscribers every week. Some posts perform better than others, naturally. Last week’s post got a couple thousand sets of eyes/brains on it. Another post that went pretty wide and got a whole lotta looksees was this one, in which I outlined why these days, I am opting to date like a straight man. Let me tell you more about this strategy as of late. Because it’s working for me.

In that recent post ^^^, I wrote about how making a decision to go/not go on a second date can be a no muss-no fuss easy choice when you’re a straight man. You don’t vacillate back and forth about “Well, she seems like a nice woman and that counts for a lot, doesn’t it?” Nope, when you’re a straight man, you’re either attracted to a woman enough to want to have sex with her, or you’re not, and then it goes from there. AND YES OF COURSE I AM PARTIALLY JOKING AND YES OF COURSE THIS IS SIMPLIFIED BEYOND REASON. But for the most part, straight men make their decision to move ahead in dating based on attraction, not on whether or not a woman is emotionally available, financially solvent, a good listener, neat and tidy at home (or in her car, or in her office — wherever the man has glimpsed her in her natural habitat). Men don’t care about what a woman is wearing on the first date. If a man is attracted to a woman, he’s thinking about how she looks when she’s OUT of what she’s wearing on their first date. Yes, it’s that simple. Men are simple. I too have decided to just KISS — Keep it simple, Stupid — and make up the rest as I go along.

Men aren’t looking to grill their date about what they want out of a relationship right out of the gate— they’re looking to drill their date. OK, teenage boy humor aside, you get what I mean, right? Men don’t need or want a cross-examination about mutual goals, foibles, trauma triggers, et al when they start dating. All they need is the desire to just sniff it out and then see if the whole thing gels.

With this in mind and for this post, I want to focus on something that women do differently from men in dating (for the most part — yes, this is a gross generalization about to happen right before your eyes here) and why I think it doesn’t serve us well as Young Olds (or ever, in fact). Here it is…Women tend to over-explain what they need and want. They lay it all on the line, sometimes even on the first date. Men, for the most part, do not. They wait and see. Maybe it’s because men are simple creatures? Maybe it’s because men don’t know what they want? Not sure. But I do know that when it comes to midlife dating, most men wring their hands far less than most women. Let’s fix that. Let’s quash the tendency to over-explain, shall we?

So, about that quashing…it’s not so easy to manage. Personally, I’ve successfully stopped myself before I’ve started down that path as of late when I’m interacting with the guy that I like, since, as noted, I’m maneuvering like a dude in the dating world these days. It’s taken some rewiring to get here, so yes, there’s a learning curve, but this has served me well; it’s taken my brain off of the hamster wheel of “Well, maybe I should say this as a way to let him know that…” No. It’s not that I am HOLDING BACK on something I’d like to share. It’s that I can share it later on. It. Can. Wait. And it “should” wait. Right now, I’m kind of operating on a “Need To Know” basis and most of the time, no one needs to know most of the stuff that I think they in fact need to know in that moment.

Here’s an example: As mentioned, it’s VERY early days with a guy I like. I have written about him several times here already. He is someone I met a few months back. He is delightful.

There is part of me, every time we speak or when we have seen each other, that wants to share a million stories, that wants to answer an anecdote that he offers up with an anecdote of my own. There is part of me that also wants to “check in” with him in a way that I check in with my girlfriends and how I’ve checked in with my boyfriends and partners in the past, because, yes, we are grooving and when I’m grooving, I’m usually saying A LOT, offering up a lot of myself, and asking a lot of questions. But right now, I am holding back a tiny bit, looking around more than I am opening my mouth. And in the holding back, I am learning two things about myself and about midlife dating:

1. While he’s getting big points from me in the way he retains information that I’ve shared (he knew when I was leaving for a week to go on tour with the Rock Academy Showband, not just that I was leaving town, but where I was going and with whom, and I like that a lot), I haven’t overloaded him with tales from the road, or asked him a million questions about what he’s been up to either. We’ll catch up when we see each other. We’ve tended to talk for hours when we’re together or on the phone. I am enjoying the build up till the next time. Related to that…

2. That “self-policing” doesn’t feel like I’m “denying” myself anything as we get to know one another, either. Instead, it feels really nice SLOW BURN. Oh my God, remember that? It’s kind of hot.

I was thinking about all of this because a friend called me the other day to read me something she had sketched out to share with her former boyfriend, as they are discussing a reconciliation. She was thinking that an email ahead of their meetup would be a good idea just in case she got flustered and forgot some of the points that she thinks are important to flesh out as they navigate this possible rekindling.

I listened to her read the email to me. It was very well written. It covered a ton of topics and showed both bravery and vulnerability on her part. After she was done, she asked me if I thought she should send it and I replied, “I’d send the first two lines, where you wrote, ‘I’m excited to see you and to talk more about this. It will be good to connect in person.’ And leave it at that.”

She was perplexed, “Why? There are plenty of things that I need him to hear before I can agree to give this another chance.”

I replied, “I totally get that. But you don’t have to spell it all out ahead of seeing each other. Just get a sense of where he’s at, and if that works for you. Then you can share the rest. I mean, you can send that email if you want after you meet, but for now, I think the only thing you need to figure out is if you want to keep talking at all.”

She was quiet for a minute. “You don’t think it’s important for me to tell him what really didn’t work for me last time? Or to ask him what he’s done to become more communicative when he’s tense about something outside our relationship? That was an issue between us. And I also want to tell him how I’VE changed, because, I have!”

I could see my pal wanted to have her “day in court” (SEE TOP PHOTO!) as it were, and likewise, offer up the things she herself had been working on, and while I think that’s natural — to get it all out — I pushed back, “I get that. I think he’ll shut down again if you send a big email. And anyway, you don’t know if YOU want to get back together. Just see him and then let it be. The next steps can be baby ones. Don’t jump in with both feet and don’t TELL him why you are or are not jumping in with both feet.”

What happened next? Well, she and her former guy had a brief meetup and a good initial talk and they are having a drink and proper date next. She still hasn’t sent the big email, she said. But she wants to. I so get that. It’s so tempting.

When my first marriage was ending, our couples’ therapist (we briefly went together and then we each saw the therapist separately as we were splitting up) told me that statistically speaking, when women are going through emotionally difficult situations, they talk and talk and talk and talk to anyone who will listen to them. They make everyone into their therapists and Mother Confessors, whereas when men go through the same, they tend to clam up and work harder, play harder, or, conversely, totally isolate. She (the therapist) even cited a statistic about how a study was once done on people who die in freak accidents, like stepping off a curb without looking both ways at oncoming traffic, and that in the statistic, there were an inordinately large number of newly separated or newly divorced men who were killed — they were in such an altered state about their lives changing, emotionally bottled up to the point of exploding from that pressure, that they were in a sense moving in a daze and therefore, literally walking into traffic. I could be over-simplifying some of this, but you get the point. Women talk. Men hold it in. Getting smooshed like a pancake aside, I think women can potentially learn from men in this capacity when it comes to dating...the tamping it down part, not walking into the path of a speeding car or bus part.

How many times have I personally “thought out” what I wanted to say to a potential boyfriend or a partner and gone over and over the finer details, which I then organized into what I felt were easily digestible bullet points, so as to get my POV across and also let them know exactly want I was feeling and thinking? More times than I can remember.

How many times did “laying it all out” actually do nothing but overwhelm the person I was dating/the partner with whom I was having an issue and instead cause them to retreat even more? More times than I can remember. Have I dated avoidant people? I have. But I’ve dated healthy people too. Too much of a good thing is NOT wonderful, in this case.

However, and HERE COMES THE RUB, DEAR READERS, am I saying that women should just shut up, so as to not upset the fragile balance between “too much” and “just right” interpersonal interactions in dating? I most certainly am not. I AM saying that it’s often best to just offer up a little bit of what’s on your mind, not download a dump truck full of thoughts and feelings. Because. It. Can. Wait.

Can’t it?

I am the least patient person I know, or at least among the least patient people I know. I have a tattoo on my right arm that speaks to this — my inability to wait and self-regulate and just take a pause. In Hebrew, the tattoo reads “Erech Ruach” which translates into “a spiritual long breath or pause” and is one of the only mentions of “patience” in the Old Testament where the word itself is not “Savlanut” which is derived from the root word for “Suffering” — obviously, no one wants a tattoo that reminds them of suffering, right?

My inability to be more patient is never as activated as when I have been dating and I am ready to advance to the next stage of knowing another person. I move stealthily and steadily, rarely pausing, because once I’m in, I’m IN. And I’m learning that being a tiny bit in and waiting and seeing what happens next is good, and if that’s good, moving forward without a ton of explanations or proclamations makes the move even better. Again, this is not me saying I’m good with “Let’s just see where this goes.” Often, that’s bullshit code for “I like fucking you but don’t want a relationship.” But I do think that not everything needs to be mapped out — and I’ll gently suggest that too much mapping doesn’t make you Magellan, it makes you an anxious pain in the ass.

Women have been stifled and warned not to “overwhelm” men with too many emotions, too much feeling, too much direction, too much feedback. To most of this, I say, “fuck that shit,” but there IS some real beauty in remembering the lost art of dating. When you took things slow and held some cards close to the vest by proximity alone.

What do I mean by that? Well, think back to when you met your spouse/first spouse/first big love. Was there texting? DMs? Social media? There was not. There were answering machines. There were letters. It took some time to know what you wanted from a potential partner, and vice versa. In this manner, dating had a shinier new patina. Everything seemed fresher because layers were peeled back in a slower capacity. The veils lifted more slowly. Since those days are gone forever, why not just see what happens without an agenda or a goal of coupling up “before it’s too late”? Hit the snooze button the ticking clock? After all, it’s not like you’re having children together in this new relationship, Dear Readers!

The good old days ^^^ without text messages flying back and forth, without the ability to be connected 24/7 ^^^ were pregnant with potential because you had to wait it out. Let’s face it, in mid-life, men are better at this than women (most men, most women). So therefore, in my new status as a single straight guy, I am too am getting better at this every day.

Sometimes, you get all the information you need about how healthy the relationship is (or can be) when you are gently volleying back and forth, as in a slow tennis match, you lobbing a ball, him lobbing it back to you. Sometimes, in that quiet you-him-you-him, you see an entirely different side of a blossoming relationship, one that you’d not see if you were yammering non-stop about what you need and want.

I dunno if you agree. There certainly is a big part of me that has spent a large portion of my dating life doing precisely what I like, any way that I like it, and that often included announcing a plan for The Way Things Should Be. But these days? It’s changed. Is it my age? The wisdom that comes with my age? Not sure. I only know that I’m not making so many bullet points in my head or on paper these days. I’m also not dodging any bullets in this moment. I like a man. He likes me. We’ll see. That’s enough.