Vol. 2, Post #74 ODAAT, IYKYK and, gulp, dating. Quite a cocktail...

Sobriety enters the room; what that means to a "normie." My weekly sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, (people with readers).

^^^The “Big Book” — ALSO, SORRY I’M POSTING A DAY LATE. I had a great date last night and it held up my final edit on this. Keep on reading…

A few weeks ago, a woman who is part of a book club that is enjoying my Substack as a group read(!) posed this question, in response to me asking Da Club as to what they’d like to see me next tackle:

• How sober does someone have to be to for you to believe they are healthy? You’ve written about this a little bit and I just met someone who doesn’t drink by choice but I’m scared to ask too many questions.

I’m scared too, Dear Reader, but here we go. Because I’m right there with you.

Some of you might recall that last month, I posted this piece, in which I said I had met someone I liked who broke my “rule” about not dating anyone in recovery. I did. And just ahead of our second date, he revealed to me that something happened in his family life which made him realize that his long-term (nearly 30 year) sobriety was in peril, and he told me he was planning to go back to daily meetings and re-engaging with a sponsor. That was enough for me to gently say, “Sounds like dating right now might be too much stress for you as you sort out some things.” He agreed and we said we’d keep in touch, regarding next chapters. He added that he wished things were different. To that, I said that while I too had been looking forward to getting to know him, this was clearly the best decision for all involved — including me. Chapter closed. All good.

And then, as you do, I connected with someone else I had met before, someone who I was curious about, someone who was, yup, also sober.

We’ve been through this conversation before, haven’t we, Dear Readers? That, at our Young Old age, everyone comes with baggage and for some, that baggage is addiction and (or) recovery from addiction. One is an explosive, devastating illness and the other is a practice/program that must be adhered to as if it were life and death, because it IS life and death.

For “normies” — non-addicts — loving and living with an addict or an addict in recovery is complicated. “Complicated"…now that’s loaded word these days, isn’t it? For some Jewish people, like me, our relationship with Israel right now is complicated. For some die-hard liberals with beloved but rabid non-liberals in their families, those relationships are also complicated.

I’m sick of complicated and yearn for easy, but the fact remains that “it is what it is,” so complicated is seemingly here to stay.

In the last decade, I’ve had two relationships with addicts. One was very sober when I met him, who stayed sober for our multi-year relationship, but spectacularly fell into drinking (that’s often referred to as “going out” in addict speak) after we split and nearly lost his life. That we were no longer together made this no less painful. The other addict was someone I was still dating when he started spiraling, was in fact living with him, and when the addiction finally raged beyond control, the relationship toppled like a house of cards; I escaped fairly unscathed but had I stayed any longer, sadly, that would not have been the case. After suggesting and then insisting that this former partner get treatment and his refusal to do so, I left with a broken heart — I am fortunate that this was the only thing that was broken.

You can imagine my hesitation to get involved with ANYONE who had addiction issues. For years, I’ve made that a hard NO THANK YOU, but now - and this is how I’d like to address my Dear Reader’s question — I’ve made some changes in how I’d consider the idea, if I met someone sober that I like. And since I have met someone sober that I like, the question is a timely one.

And so, to my new pal who said she was scared to ask too many questions, this is how I’d proceed:

• You’re going to have to get un-afraid of asking questions. My first one, once trust was established between you and your potential date, would be something like this:

  • Are you a non-drinker or are you sober? There is a difference. Some people don’t like the taste or the rush or the after effects. Some people know their lives depend on them avoiding the substance of their choice. Find out in which camp your potential date pitches his tent.

• If your date tells you he is sober, will he share his practice or program with you? Does he attend Alcoholic Anonymous meetings in person or online, work the twelve steps, read The Big Book? Does he have a sponsor or sponsors? Does he practice any other mental health hygiene?

  • Related to that, what else does he do to stay healthy and grounded? Exercise? Fresh air? Journaling? Good sleep habits? Remember, Dear Reader, you are not prying if you are embarking on a relationship with this person. See what he tells you and pay careful attention to how his answers “land” with you. Do you feel good about what you hear? Or is it making you feel distrustful or stressed? Listen to your own body, please, as you listen to him.

  • Understand that being sober is not a temporary state of being. Sober is sober is sober. “California sober” — no alcohol or hard drugs but pot is ok — is not sober. Sober except for the occasional glass of wine? Not sober. In or out.

• What’s your own relationship with alcohol or any substance that is a no for your date? If you prefer not to get through a meal without a cocktail or a glass of wine, you’re not a match. If you can’t sleep without a gummy, you’re not a match. And no, you don’t get to “sneak” a gummy if you’ve been told that pot is the no-no. Just because a gummy is odorless doesn’t mean it’s harmless to your partner.

  • VERY IMPORTANT TO ADD HERE: There are plenty of long-time sober people who don’t give a rat’s ass as to what anyone else is drinking, smoking, snorting. Find out where your date falls on this spectrum and my own advice?I’d abstain around your potential partner for the time being. That doesn’t mean you have to empty your liquor cabinet, but I’d default to seltzer or similar in these early days of getting to know one another.

    • Related: how do your own friend and family circles treat alcohol or substances? Are you part of a crew that is never without an adult beverage at a celebration or a night in front of the television? Will this make your potential BF feel self-conscious? Will this make YOU feel self-conscious?

• And once the relationship is in fact moving along, be prepared to ask a lot of questions via emotional temperature taking as you get to know each other, maybe even the same questions, as people morph and change. How would you feel if you two decided to cohabitat and your newly minted life partner asked if you could now share an alcohol-free home? How would you feel if your tried-and-true tradition of New Year’s Eve with friends at your favorite cozy restaurant, complete with endless champagne toasts as the ball drops, was out of his comfort zone and so this year, you’ll be staying home instead of joining your posse? BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. Will you resent your partner?

Last night, I had a date with the current (sober) object of my desire — we started our evening on my front porch and we were immediately deep in chat. I had offered to cook us dinner instead of going out, a perfect choice as we were both truly comfortable and the vibe was excellent. He stayed nearly six hours. At one point, after we left the table, we went up to my back deck and sat under the stars. It was a gorgeous night, almost sweater weather here in the Catskills, and I remembered that I had a beautiful bottle of red wine downstairs in my kitchen that a client gifted me, and that a glass would taste wonderful in that moment. And at the same time, while I thought that my date would probably have no issue with that, I still abstained, as we’re just now getting to know each other AND I can have a glass of wine any other time when he’s not here. He had brought dessert to my place and we drank…get ready…milk, laughing at how good it tasted with chocolate eclairs (when’s the last time you had a glass of ice-cold WHOLE MILK?)

As I cleaned up the dinner dishes when he drove away just before midnight, I never did reach for that glass of wine; I was buzzed on the company and the way we said good night to each other, ahead of another date. So in that way, Dear Lady Bookclub who prompted this post, I invite you (and my other Young Old Dear Readers) to consider your lifestyle, your expectations, your limits and conversely, those of your date. How to do that?

Is it a “pros and cons” list? I’ve made those.

Is it some digging around online and reading up on dating someone in recovery? I’ve done that too.

Is it speaking with your sober friends and family members, assuming you have them (most of us do) and hearing how their beloveds adjusted (or not). Yup, raises hand.

Most of all — and scariest of all — is it admitting that this baggage might be more of a steamer trunk as opposed to a carry-on, and so…is this the kind of baggage you’re OK pulling behind you with every step you take, if you two decide to make a life together? Because you need to be OK with it. A sober partner is still a sober partner on vacation, at a college graduation or wedding, when you are packing for a move, when you are getting your elderly parent ready for assisted living, at a funeral. YOU might be able to treat your stress with a chocolate bar, a vodka, a joint, a pill, whatever you want, but your partner cannot. Think about it. And don’t answer me now, OK?

But I’ll also leave you with this, Book Club Cutie. A sober partner brings some really great things to the table. You know the bullshit that some people spout when they are just a little too tipsy? Your sober partner won’t do that. Whiskey dick? Ha, NOPE. Designated driver if you indulge and he doesn’t? Lucky you! And a bonafide interest in healthy living that probably extends to beyond just abstaining from substances? Amen to that.

Think about it. And don’t answer me now, OK?

Leaving you with another “Big Book” to consider…