Vol. 2, Post #73 Get Some
Easy-peasy In the mood for Shove pointers. My weekly sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, (people with readers).
Last week was the 40th anniversary of Live Aid, and this, along with a request from a member of a book club who reads my Substack, got me thinking about what we do when we’re in the mood for love (shove).
As a reminder, last week, I learned that a local book club here in my Hudson Valley, NY community is reading this Substack en masse, which is weirdly humorous and of course so flattering, and when asked to suggest topics, one of the Dear Readers in Da Club said she thought that sex with a new man she was dating was on the horizon, and she wasn’t sure how to set the mood, as it had been some time since she had entertained a man in the bedroom.
— Now, I need to interrupt myself here to say what I guess I ASSUME everyone knows, but of course, how could they? — Which is this. These are my opinions and by opinions, I mean I write this Substack based on what I know, what I’ve personally experienced, and what I think might lead you, Dear Reader, to a fun frolic or heaping portion of food for thought. But again, YOU need to take all of this with a grain of salt, in that I am not a therapist, nor a sexologist, nor even a big slut. My own personal laundry list of former lovers is well under what most of you would imagine the number to be (seriously — I just tossed it out during girls’ night here on my porch and I was almost the lowest women on the proverbial totem pole, or pole for that matter), but I HAVE had a multitude of experiences with men, women, poly, group, blah, blah, blah and most of the exploration that I’ve enjoyed has been from about age 45 onward. When I married my son’s father, I had slept with less than five people, and we were together a total of 16 years. I had another ten year monogamous relationship after that. If you’re doing the math at home, that means that the years spent from my mid-forties until today were ripe, even overflowing, with curiosity and discovery and I’m still curious and discovering. It’s from THIS perspective that I’m answering a woman of a similar age, when she asks me how I relax into getting down to fuck. Sound good?
OK, now back to setting the mood when the forecast calls for some solid, tasty sex.
Up top is a photo of me with my at-the-time boyfriend, S., at Live Aid, as mentioned (worst sunburn ever but wow, what a day, and Mick and Tina for the win on the Philly stage, in my recollection). Why and how does Live Aid relate to the topic at hand? Well, S. was a very sweet guy and I think we dated for about six months. Neither of us had a ton of experience (I lost my virginity to a man almost ten years older than me after Cutie Pie pictured here and I broke up — God, what a hottie that one was! Scottish, from Scotland. Saxophone player. Not circumsized) but S. and I had what I think we both considered to be a reasonably good teen sex life — if seventeen year olds had sex lives in the 1980s. Of course they did, but the teens I know today are far more sophisticated in both their sexual prowess, power, and ability to voice their desires than we were. Or, at least, more so than we (S. and I) were.
A typical date with S. ended this like. We went back to my parent’s house and made out for hours and hours. I mean it. Till our lips were sore. At some point, he would have his hand down my pants and I’m sure that whatever he was doing with his fingers wasn’t bad, but neither was it necessarily great. I can’t recall if he ever gave me an orgasm but again, it’s not very important for the sake of this post, and separately, I was already a champion masturbator. Now, as for S., let me begin by telling you that my parents had a grayish blue nubby wool sectional sofa in our family room, and we used to roll around on it so much that the sections would sometimes move apart, and one of us would fall through the cracks. And that “falling through the cracks” often happened while I was jerking him off, because, Dear Reader, that’s what I did. I’d have my hand down his pants, my lips buried in his neck that smelled like Drakkar Noir or Polo or Halston Z-14 cologne, and I’d jerk him off until he’d come, at which point, he’d go into the bathroom, freshen up, return with an untucked shirt — did I jerk him off while he was still wearing his jeans? I mean, I THINK I remember unzipping them and pulling them off, but then again, I can’t remember what I ate for dinner last night, so who knows? And then we’d cuddle and he’d go home. This went on for months. I’m racking my brain as to remember if we ever went down on each other and you know what? I’m at a loss.
That scene — scratchy sectional sofa, with one of us falling onto the floor, jizzing in jeans, what I’m sure were NOT dimmable overhead lights, probably bad TV playing in the background? NOT SEXY! Not at all what my Dear Reader had in mind when she asked me, in last week’s letter: how do you like to get ready to get it on at our age?
Back then, I’m sure there was more than a bit of awkwardness around getting naked with each other, and probably even more weirdness around tastes, smells, sounds…MUCH LIKE WHAT SOME YOUNG OLDS SAY THEY EXPERIENCE WITH A NEW LOVER IN MIDLIFE. But it doesn’t have to be like this, so, with that in mind, First Call, everyone! Trumpets OUT!
ABBE’S LIST OF GUARANTEED A+ MOVES TO MAKE SEXY TIMES THAT MUCH SEXIER…or, how to relax when you’re fucking someone new for the first time.
In a best case scenario, a first-time Young Old fuck should be at the woman’s home (my Dear Reader who posed the question is a woman and I’m going heteronormative on this for the moment). I’ve gone to bed with lovers at their home and in hotels, and both have been fine or even great, but for a nervous mid-lifer who’s just back in the dating game? It’s just one less thing to worry about — your own bathroom has everything you need for pre-, during, and post-sex, to say nothing of the guarantee of your clean, soft sheets which you’ve zhooshed up for the occasion, etc. This assumes you have an inviting bedroom. If not, let’s make it more so.
DIMMERS. Is every light on dimmer in your bedroom, or wherever you’re planning this sex? If not, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $100 until every light has a dimmer. Overhead lighting is my least favorite, but there’s a dimmer for even that. Tableside lamps, etc. all must be mood-adjustable via dimmers, and in a pinch, if you only have a lower-wattage bulb and no dimmer, toss a scarf or similar over the lampshade. I TRAVEL with scarves in my overnight bag in case I get to a hotel room and the lighting is sub-par. And when I say dim, I DO NOT mean that it’s so dark you can’t see each other. Take the lighting down to a dull roar, so you can still gaze upon each other and drink in with your eyes. Another good combo? Dimmers and candles. UNSCENTED candles please, and never close to any scarves draped over lamps.
And if you’re following my step-by-step guide here, and you are in your own home leading up the Big Show, you can breeze by your bedroom, dim the lights and cue up some candles ahead of time. I mean, this is not brain surgery. Dimmers and candles are child’s play here.
Are you a house-wide music system kind of home? Sonos or similar? Great! If not, a small speaker in the bedroom is a must. Most streaming platforms have searchability for playlists that are often called “music to make love to” — HIDEOUS grammar, and I’d have typed in “music for fucking” but OK, Spotify. Here’s what came up in a quickie search on my phone:
These playlists are organized by popularity — some of them have been downloaded hundreds of thousands of times. Notice what I was listening to earlier — “When The Levee Breaks” is DEF my kind of music for fucking, btw, in plenty of instances. Also, if you ask nicely, I’ll share with you my ultimate personal playlist for ravishing each other. It’s a goodie. I worked hard.
Condoms. Lube. Condoms. Lube. Condoms. Lube. Go to the pharmacy and get some condoms. He might have them. He might not. YOU MUST HAVE THEM. YOU MUST NOT LET ANYONE FUCK YOU WITHOUT A CONDOM. AM I SCREAMING? I AM SCREAMING.
Personally, I keep an assortment of condoms in my nightstand so I am never without and while I assume that most men know and prefer a particular brand, trust me when I tell you that if you make condoms a non-negotiation, he will wear whatever da fuck you have on hand. But have a nice array. Also — if you are like me and have a former partner who needed and wore Magnum XL condoms, make sure you have both these and “normal” condoms. All men would like to believe they can use Magnums. One word for all men on this, with eyeroll: Honey…
As for lube, I am hoping that you have a lube that you like, which is compatible with latex condoms (go check the lube label right now). If not, a shopping trip with girlfriends or gays who speak fluent lube is in order. Get going!
I’m not done with the condom thing. I don’t care if you are postmenopausal; if you’ve had a hysterectomy; if he swears on his mother that he hasn’t had sex since he and his wife split up five years ago. Everyone uses condoms until monogamy and/or testing is done. The End.
Lecture over; ready for some fun? Here’s a no-brainer. If you like panties, wear some pretty ones or any kind of lingerie that makes YOU feel sexy. YOU feeling sexy is the best way to begin. Said this before — crotchless panties under your usual clothes (so the contrast here is a nice surprise) is a big crowd-pleaser for some people. Personally, I have spent thousands on lingerie for a lover or two who were big fans of lace and frills and everything in between (one had a pantyhose fixation — like, L’Eggs). Even now, just looking at the drawers of lingerie gets me hot. Treat yourself if that’s an option.
Relax as best as you can, and for some people that means a drink or a smoke or a gummie (not endorsing any of those things) but for me, it usually means we’ve had a quiet and low-key night ahead of getting down and we’re both vibing the YES mood, or, conversely, we’ve been out (in public) and are just dying to get back to my place because the flirting and touching and innuendos is making us both nuts, hands grazing each other under the table at dinner, deep kissing leaning against the car, you know, the good stuff. And speaking of which, are you eating dinner out first? Keep it sort of light if fucking for the first time is on the menu later. As you get into sex with a new partner, it’s possible (and sometimes super hot) to tie on a big feed bag with a lover, but to begin, the bloat of eating too much delicious food ahead of sex just slows everyone down and makes some people feel self-conscious about a full belly, a stray fart, or a runaway burp. And all those things happen, so just laugh it off if they happen to you. WHEN they happen to you.
Toys. I love toys. If you play with toys, have one of the less scary ones ready to go. You know, NOT the big guns. NOT the super noisy ones. Use it on yourself and show him what you like. Ask him to use it on you. Both. If toys are a new thing for your new partner, maybe ask him if it’s OK to bring one out and if he says nope, that’s, well, that’s information (and not great info, honestly, but you can decide that for yourself). My point being? Unless you MUST have it, probably not the night to reach for the Hitachi Magic Wand, although if he’s a smart man, he’ll like the way it feels on his balls if you turn the tables while you go down on him. HOWEVER, this just in. HMW now comes in an assortment of sizes! As seen in NYC yesterday at Pleasure Chest…
IF we’re at my house and I know we’ll be moving up to the bedroom at some point, I usually drape a slinky caftan or negligee along my side of the bed, in case I want to get up after and get us ice cream/wine/both and don’t feel like walking downstairs naked. I USUALLY feel like walking downstairs naked, but you never know. Whatever makes you feel sexy but covered, leave it close by the bed in case you want it. I had a boyfriend who loved fresh fruit and we ate a lot of berries in bed. Hey, I think we should all enjoy Irving Penn, 1983, for Vogue right now…a light interlude, if you will…
Let’s go into the bathroom. If this is premeditated, I like to have a new toothbrush lying out on a clean hand towel by my sink. This is not just because you’re assuming there will be a sleepover — it’s because some people like to brush their teeth or wash their face after fucking, so why not make it easy on him? Personally, I like to taste myself on my lover’s face and sort of frown on anyone getting out of bed to wash up immediately, but again, first-time, let’s go easy on each other.
It is weird that I’m going to give a shout out to my former Nice Guy Boyfriend J. who turned me on to these toothbrushes? I love them. Well, his father IS a dentist!
And speaking of sleepovers, I’m a big fan of Not So Much unless you are sure you want to have sex again in the middle of the night and in the morning and/or you don’t have an early rise and shine the next day. Sometimes it’s kind of hot to walk your guy to the door all sexxed up and give him a kiss goodbye that inspires him to come back, and soon.
Oh, please, of course sometimes you start fucking someone and you know from the moment your bodies touch that you NEVER want them to leave your bed. That’s the best. It’s also probably a sign to take a breath and not lose your head entirely. So proceed at your own risk here, Dear Reader, if the sex is mind-blowing. Mind-blowing sex sometimes leads to losing one’s head, ignoring red flags, etc.
Finally, without knowing your own personal relationship with orgasms, first time sex with a new person is sometimes funny business. Assuming you both enjoy each other’s skin, smells, bodies, tastes, and moves, don’t get hung up on who had an orgasm or who didn’t. Plenty of time to work that out — assuming everything works in the first place. Now, here it gets interesting — I know at least a few of my Dear Readers who have boyfriends or partners with some issues around ED, and for them, the sex got better, even good, as the trust grew. So if the first time leaves room for improvement but you and your guy can talk about difficult topics like staying hard/coming while wearing a condom, etc., you are on the right track.
Did I leave anything out? Is there anything you think my Dear Reader who is down to fuck needs to read up on ahead of inviting her man into her bed? Have at it, Darlings!
Enjoy Mick and Tina. And hey S., the biggest kiss to you…
All good advice here IMO - especially the bit about eating light and I’d add not drinking too much! Also I would advise to wear clothes that are relatively easy to remove. Tight jeans that leave marks on your belly & require a lot of wriggling to remove (which can be fun!) might make you self conscious - better to wear something like a wrap dress or looser pants IMO. Or change into lounge wear when you get home and go from there. Most of all, enjoy the discovery of feeling something new. The last time I slept with someone new, who in fairness I’d slept with ~30 years ago, my body wasn’t quite ready and I felt mortified, which made me cry. The fact that he held me and let it be OK grew the trust a thousand percent and we both went on to blissful experiences. And three years later… still yes yes yes.