Vol. 2, Post #60 The Leader We Need?

What Black women taught me about dating this week. My ongoing sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, (people with readers).

Most of you Dear Readers know that I follow a ton of dating coaches and dating “helpers” on social media as a way to not only gauge what people are talking about online in the realm of Young Old relationships, but to also clock what I’m missing from the vantage point of my own little bubble of privileged white people*.

*Click here for what the Associated Press gives as its reasons for not capitalizing “white” while capitalizing “Black” if you’re curious.

I saw an IG post last week from a (Black) relationship coach which highlighted the word “lead,” as in, when a man feels like he’s not able “to lead” a woman, they may be incompatible. Wait, what???? A bit of of a deep dive into this notion, and I uncovered A TON of dating forums, aimed at Black women and women of color, with many posts about how the ideal men need to be good leaders, or good guides, propelling the couple towards a life they both want. Likewise, plenty of videos with Black men discussing how to best lead.

My immediate reaction? What the fuck are they talking about. I can lead myself, thank you very much. Why are the men meant to lead? But I thought about it some more, and realized that I needed some IRL Black women’s perspectives on this, so I made a few calls to friends and colleagues. Here’s what I learned.

Before I get to what I gleaned from speaking to a dozen or so Black women in my larger community, take a look at this video clip:

This (now viral) video ^^^ comes up over and over in the conversation about “leading” and “guiding,” both from women who repost it and suggest that their followers take a page from this woman’s book, or, likewise, by men who sometimes add that this woman gets flack for this video for speaking her truth. One of the dating coaches (a Black man) added (and I’m paraphrasing), “A lot of people think this woman is bitter. She is not. Her ex might not be for her, might be a downgrade from what she actually deserves based on what she herself puts out into the world, but she’s correct in saying that even a downgrade deserves to be happy.”

So what is it about directing women of color to seek out a man who will “lead” or “guide” them? A pretty basic Google search led me to an assortment of websites that quoted the bible (many many bible quotes, lots of scripture), which potentially speaks to what Black women may have heard in church as children (over half of the Black women I spoke with, in my admittedly small control group, said this was the case).

Likewise, I read a number of articles and posts about traditional values, in and around what Black women were brought up to look for in family-oriented, masculine-presenting Black men. Again, most of the Black women who I spoke with (all of them Young Olds) said their parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents stressed how important these values are, and that this was a soundtrack on repeat in their girlhoods.

Finally, I delved into an assortment of editorials on why Black women have been conditioned to think that they need to “submit” to their men, allowing men to take the lead, in order for a relationship to work. This excerpt below from a piece in Ebony magazine:

“In All About Love, feminist thinker and author bell hooks considers where the second wave of feminism failed women of color. Their mistake then (and continues to be in large part today) was a lack of inclusion and recognition of the unique issues Black women faced. We’ve always worked outside the home, and we weren’t interested in burning our bras. One of the primary goals of the time should have been helping Black women and men form equal partnerships, with roles in the relationship determined by strengths and experience as opposed to gender.”

I VERY rarely see this language on dating-centric websites created by and for white woman; instead, the language there tends to be more simplistic when it comes to value and equality in relationships, with an emphasis on everyone simply pulling their weight.

Back to the Black women in my life. Every one of them. EVERY ONE told me that the idea of “being led” by a man was a completely outdated concept to them, and yet, at the same time, almost half of them referenced a cousin, a sister, or another friend who still followed this credo and sought out men who could “lead.” To that, one of my friends said, “This is utterly maddening. I mean, this is how far we’ve come?” This clip is for those women.

acemetaphor

A post shared by @acemetaphor

I was amazed that two of my pals, one of whom lives in Texas, one of whom lives in New York, said almost the same thing VERBATIM regarding this idea that men should lead or guide women, so I’ll summarize: They both said that one of the reasons we find ourselves in this Orange Foolius cesspool is because of men who think they are in fact MEANT to lead women, along with the women (Black, white, pick any color you want) who agree with this notion wholeheartedly, mostly because of religion, and the negative connotations that both of these two groups associate with independent women who wish to lead them themselves (AKA, most of you reading this), obviously heretics who need to be burned at the stake. “The ever-present battle between ‘hard’ and ‘soft’ is ruining us. No one knows how to ‘be,’” said one of my friends. “I’m a woman who has taken care of myself and my business my entire life, and yet I’m trying to embrace my softer side. At the same time, embracing that softness still doesn’t mean I want to be guided by a man as to what’s right for me.”

Are you getting that this is super complicated, to say the least? Let’s go back to that video clip above and the sentiment expressed by that woman, who, judging by her appearance, is most certainly a Young Old. Given what my Black women friends have told me about their own experience with this kind of language, is there anything that this woman said in this video that rings true for me? Is any of this advice “a keeper”? Actually, I’d say hell yes. Watch it again if you need to, because I’m breaking it down here with my POV.

First off, it may sting…the idea that a man who may have, yes, broken your heart or disappointed you, who is now making some other woman happy, especially if you’ve given your time and love to him while he was in a growth period or a tight spot. We’ve all been there (raises hand) or had friends who have been there: falling in love with someone who hasn’t quite figured out a game plan for what comes next in life, and, because we love them, we want to “help” them along. Forget the futility of helping someone who hasn’t invited us to do so, or falling in love with potential, because as much as we know we need to allow our Beloveds to make their way and offer support WHEN THEY ASK FOR IT, most of us get swept up in being the best, most understanding partner in the world, or the fantasy of that, making life “easier” for our partners. How’d that work out for ya? Yeah, I know. PAGING CHELSEA IN “WHITE LOTUS” (SPOILER ALERT if you’re still watching)!!!

So, back to that man who broke your heart while you gave him your love and support and now, he’s ostensibly giving it to another women — she gets the “perks” of what you taught him, right?

I don’t know, Dear Readers, but I don’t think so. And my reasoning is threefold:

1. Are you in therapy? Do you consistently work on yourself and address your issues as a flawed (therefore normal) adult human? Do you take care of yourself, mentally and physically, and get exercise or walk or meditate to relieve stress? Do you abstain from overindulging in alcohol or drugs or any substances to escape reality? Do you have a reasonable track record of admitting you’re wrong when you’re wrong? GREAT! Because YOU are working hard on yourself to be the best possible You and for that, you should take a bow. And given how hard that is — I’m in the midst of a pretty big self-improvement program in this moment myself — remind yourself that if your ex wouldn’t do those things to make life better with you (BECAUSE THOSE THINGS ARE HARD!) it’s not necessarily a given that he’ll be doing those things to make life better with someone else. Self-examination is some of the most difficult and painful work out there. It’s not for everyone. Which leads me to Point Two.

2. Maybe your ex’s new woman doesn’t expect as much. Maybe she’s OK with your ex showing up precisely as he is. Maybe she doesn’t care that he forgets your birthday during hockey season or that he flosses his teeth with a reusable toothpick that he keeps in his wallet (a friend’s ex did this and it made me want to faint) or that Sunday dinners are ALWAYS at his mother’s house. If so, great, they are a better fit that you two could ever be. And that leads me to Point Three, and our friend in the viral video.

3. Did your ex ever tell you that you expect too much from him? That you were too good for him? That he wasn’t “on your level”? HE WAS TELLING YOU THE TRUTH. He felt like he wasn’t actually “man enough” to provide all the things that most men want to give to their partners. Call it biology and throw it back to the cavemen era. Call it chemistry, or whatever makes most men want to feel more, well, manly. Call it whatever you want but if you do all or most of the heavy lifting in a relationship, your man may start to think, “Wonder if she even needs me?” and if this festers or goes unchecked, it’s very likely that he might seek out someone who needs him more than you, hopefully not taking the coward’s approach of cheating, but instead, just going his own way. I mean, when you talk to single Young Old girlfriends, I’m pretty sure you hear this tale fairly often: that her ex has some new woman who thinks the sun rises and sets on him, and therefore, she must be an idiot. Well, she might not be an idiot. She might just want less, and because of that, HE is free to LEAD or GUIDE her in a way that quenches his desire to be all those manly things in her eyes. In your eyes, he was just getting in the way of your (much better) master plan for your life.

Now throwing it back to you, Black women and women of color who read me here but are not in my circle: do you have personal insight from your own experience, or your family of origin, as to why this language comes up when discussing what makes for a strong relationship? If yes, please email me or drop a comment below so I can follow up with yet more insights on this — it’s a polarizing subject but one with merit, I think, as we women often scratch our heads as we ask ourselves, “Do I want someone to take the wheel or just help with the driving?” It’s a question I ask myself often.

And yes, I know I’m asking women of color to once again educate white women. In general, I’m tired of white people asking Black people for anything these days — current events here in these deeply UN-United States certainly underscore that an enormous percentage of white people don’t value other people’s opinions in any way, and in fact, are scared shitless of non-white ideas. So, without going into politics (and why the Obamas or Kamala, for example, don’t owe anyone shit), I’ll wrap this week by saying all of this gave me some pretty heady food for thought.

What say you?