Vol. 1, Post #49 Girl Talk As The World Burns

I've turned the convo over to the children since I Just Cannot. My sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, AKA, people with readers.

Dear Readers — I went back and forth on whether to publish today at all. Everything seems very small in the scope of what’s happening right now. I decided some sweetness was needed, so, I hope you’re being very kind and gentle with yourself in this moment (and every moment). Love you.

Today (the day I am writing this) is MLK Day. I’m in suburban New Jersey with some friends with whom I’ve been vacationing in Provincetown, MA for over a decade, having made the schlep down here from Woodstock to see their youngest daughter perform in a School Of Rock concert. I LOVE these dear pals more than I can say, and when we realized that the concert coincided with the long holiday weekend and the botched abortion that is American politics, it seemed like an extra good idea to be with friends.

I have been extremely insular for the past week or so, knowing that January 20^th was hurtling towards us and not really understanding what or how I’d feel in that moment. A few hours ago, I was doing a Zoom tarot reading with someone I know from social media (I offered to pull cards for anyone who wanted a connection or some spiritual food for thought ahead of the Noon Witching Hour).

I had noted the time (11:57 a.m.) when I began the mini-reading, realizing that as we neared completion of the quicky three-card pull, it was 12:07 p.m., my eyes filling with tears as the clock confirmed What’s Done Is Done. This was particularly poignant as the final card I pulled was the Ace Of Cups.

For the tarot uninitiated, this is what the Ace Of Cups can mean: It’s time to let loose of whatever emotional baggage you have and start living your life to the fullest. Like with all the other aces, there is a new beginning that is indicated here - a chance to start fresh. It might come in the form of opening yourself up to the possibilities of new relationships, romantic or otherwise, that have the ability to make you emotionally fulfilled.

The household in which I’m holed up on this shitty, shitty, shitty Day When Democracy Died – and Cecile Richards died today too; it goes from bad to worse – is pure Ace Of Cups. I mean, my pals have been married for 29 years and have been together for even longer than that, dating since high school, and actually KNOWING each other since they were ten. TEN!

(Pausing to write that in my own wallow today, I’m acknowledging that I will probably not be partnered with anyone nearly 30 years, between now and my death, so I think I’ll let that sink in too. I’m not bothered by my recent breakup – add my hosts to the list of people who thought The Boyfriend was a tiny bit vanilla for me – but I am feeling loveless right now. It will pass.)

In thinking ahead to what anyone would want to read on Wednesday when I publish this Substack, I initially thought I’d share something that would speak to resilience, but fuck that, I’m not remotely resilient right now. I’m eating sour cream and onion potato chips in my pajamas; the rest of the family is eating leftover birthday cake, and most of us are drinking a cocktail. So…I figured…why not ask THE CHILDREN for some pearls of wisdom? Why not ask the in-house 16- and 21-year-old young women what they think about dating, longing, and love?

O. and G. were willing interviewees, although they were skeptical that any Young Old would be interested in their tender POVs. I asked them both the same questions – while some of their pronouncements could’ve only come out of the mouths of babes, some of their answers could have uttered by ANY of us in midlife.

O: 21, identifies as gay or lesbian, has been in love for year, dating her partner for 1.5 years.

G: 16, unlabeled, not sure if she’s been in love, currently “talking” with someone.

What does” being in love” mean to you?

O: It means accepting the other person and everything they have to offer, including the things you like and the things you’re not crazy about. It means feeling you complete each other in this moment, that you respect one another, work well together on mutual goals. On the physical side of it, it means that you find them beautiful and lovely to be around.

G: Being with someone who you can trust, someone you want to spend a lot of time with.

Where do your best love role models come from?

O: My parents are good role models, but, yeah, ugh, eyeroll, my sister and I always laugh about how much they love each other, and my dad says, “Yup, you have parents who love each other; it’s so gross.” In fiction, ok, you’ll think this is stupid, but the two men in The Birdcage. They are crazy and funny, but they love each other so much. They have so many differences, but they respect and care for one another and meet each other where they’re at. (Note to O: I don’t think that’s stupid in the least.)

G: My parents, but I have to admit that I also I watch a lot of rom-coms and don’t laugh, I have a soft spot for Pretty Women. I know the guy was a rich asshole, but I like that he came to realize how important and special she was. And I also loved Little Women; it was so romantic, that scene on the hill when he professes his love for her, even though he ends up with her sister. I know this seems in stark contrast to how I can be in my life, because when I like someone and they don’t feel the same, I move on quickly. But I like the fantasy. (Another note: G told me that she’s liked two different people recently and when neither was a match, she said was done-and-dusted. I may need to take some advice from her. I’m thinking about one of my exes too much lately even though I told him I’m not getting back on that roller coaster.)

What do you think is the saddest part of being misunderstood in love?

O: Knowing things have changed is scary and it’s so hard to let go of the way things were, but change happens no matter what. I personally resist change a lot of the time. I get stuck in my old ways. And like you (yup, she means me, Abbe – I love sad songs) I get drawn to sad music – like, let me listen to sad music for the next two hours and make myself even more sad while I’m suffering. When I’ve had a relationship end, it seems like the end of the world. Other people, seem to be able to say, “Oh that’s part of life” and be resilient, but that’s hard for me.

G: When things go wrong, yes, it’s upsetting but mostly because I’ve hyped it up to be the possibility of something really cool and I get disappointed. It’s about the letdown, or the letting go of the idealization of that person. But when I get sad, I don’t dwell on it – I know that other people like to focus on it, which makes sense, but for me, it’s more about getting over it a little quicker. I don’t like to get stuck that way. If someone is confused, I’m out. Not waiting around for someone if they’re not going to give it a shot. I don’t like to give myself false hope.

But what about when you love someone; do you give people you love more than one chance if they disappoint you?

O: I’m the kind of person who goes back a few times before I move on, especially in a friendship or a situation that used to bring me a lot of joy. I get stuck in that. I need to go back and understand why it’s different. I do understand that people drift apart, and yes, it’s hard and awkward at first but I also know that distancing is important. Also, I have really specific ideas about how people who love each other should treat each other. My friends joke that I have to date people who “must be perfect” and that’s not entirely true, but I do have my ideals. In contrast, I don’t feel like I “need” to be in a relationship. One of my friends always HAS to have a boyfriend. That’s not me.

G: No. I don’t take shit from people who aren’t being respectful. My parents are both very respectful to each other and I know how people should be treated. I hold people to a higher moral standard.

Here’s me and the girlies from the weekend (granted, this was January 19th so it was the calm before the storm). Hambone The Pug for good measure. Thique like Beyoncé.

And here’s this text exchange between me and my son, who was on tour with a band in Brazil on Monday. That’s it. This is all I’ve got this week. Let’s just do our best and hope these kids can keep us going. I believe in them. I believe in you. Did I say I love you already? I’ll say it again.