Vol. 1, Post #48 Flirting, By Request

I LOVE a reader request! How to flirt...and...action! My sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, AKA, people with readers.

Imagine my UTTER DELIGHT when a Dear Reader asked me to write something about flirting, because, as she put it, “I’ve never been very good at picking up signals, meaning, knowing when to lean in, how to start conversations with strangers, what to look for in terms of noting interest. I think you should write something about it. I mentioned your Substack to a friend of mine and told her I was going to ask you to write about flirting, and my friend said, ‘Oh, I’d read that!’ So write it! I think a lot of people would love it.”

Well, in the nearly immortal words of Thelma, don’t mind if I do, Darling!

AND! Dear Reader, today (I’m writing this on January 9th) appears to be your lucky day, because just as I was minding my business at Camp Kingston with my laptop and my matcha latte, a sweet-looking, attractive man came into the coffee shop and made eye contact with me. I thought, go ahead! A real live case study!

This guy looked WILDLY familiar, and so, as he shyly stole glances at me while he waited for his order, I ran his face through the Rolodex* in my mind, trying to place him.

*Yes I wrote “Rolodex.” Aren’t I an adorable Young Old? SO ON BRAND!

After realizing who I thought he MIGHT be, but secretly hoped it was not the same guy, so I could flirt with him ALL IN THE NAME OF MAKING SURE MY GAME WAS TOP NOTCH FOR THIS POST, OF COURSE, I called out to him, “Is your name Josh?

“What?” he said, and My Querying Dear Reader, as you told me in our conversation, he actually did something that you said you also do — he looked around to make sure I was speaking to him and not to some “other” Josh.

“Is your name Josh?” I asked again. “You look so familiar to me.”

Coffee in hand, he walked over to where I was sitting. “No,” he said, smiling. “It’s Steve.”

IT

WAS

ON!

“Hi Steve,” I said, making very specific eye contact and noticing his hot pink I’M WITH HER Kamala t-shirt (nice). “I’m Abbe Aronson,” offering my hand, which he shook, and re-introduced himself by his full name.

Ok, so, here’s what we have so far:

• Immediate eye contact made by both of us. I made sure to keep my eye contact even when he got blushy (adorable!) and looked away. I was unwavering, and I also offered a half-smile, as I sat up straight in my chair, giving the correct impression that while I have a computer and a coffee in front of me, right now, he’s the only thing that I’m interested in.

• When he walked over, I stuck out my hand and said my full name slowly. He actually repeated it back to me, and I said “Yup” and he said, “Ok, I won’t forget.” At which point I reached out and touched him lightly on the forearm and said, “No one does.” And we both laughed. BECAUSE I WAS FLIRTING. And also — important to note — this is all taking place in the middle of my reasonably small upstate town. In the city, I’d be hesitant to give out my full name to a stranger.

So we kept chatting and turns out he’s a writer; he told me about his book. As a publicist, I asked him a bunch of questions about his agent, with whom is he hoping to publish, etc. and then he asked me for my advice, as to what I would tell him to do next if he was an author client of mine. After I offered my suggestions, he asked if I had a card so that he could contact me in case he has any more questions (sly) and I smiled and handed him one. He told me he sadly didn’t have a card on him, and isn’t that funny because “given our ages, of course we still use business cards.” (He had already mentioned that he’s in his early 50s.) “If I was your publicist, I would yell at you for not having a card,” I admonished him, which he loved. So cute. I was indeed enjoying the flirt even though I’m not really interested in anything more than this as a a social experiment. As noted, I broke up with The Boyfriend last week, and I am benched. Happily benched and off duty for awhile, I expect. Oh, did you want the full story on that? I said I was writing about my breakup Jenny Magazine this week, so here ya go.

Back to Not Josh/Steve.

As we chatting, Steve took off his hat and his coat and his gloves because, although it was cold as fuck outside, it was warm in here, and he sat down. And then I saw that he was wearing a wedding ring. BUT WAIT, before you make a face. I continued to chat with him, still smiling, still offering a lot of eye contact, because, remember, WE’RE JUST FLIRTING, not fucking, and there’s no reason to stop since it’s just some silly, adorable play. Dear Reader who suggested this piece — and lemme hear from the other Dear Readers below in the comments, so do chime in if you agree or disagree — there is NOTHING wrong with honing some flirting skills on a nice, open, attractive stranger, married or not, if you are both are showing decorum and ease around this butterfly game. It’s just jousting.

“Well,” I said, “I’m going back to work but it was so nice meeting you Steve. I don’t think I like Josh half as much as I already like you.”

“Josh has good taste in friends,” or something was his reply as he stood up and started to leave. I went back to my computer but not before I saw him turn to look at me as he walked out the door.

What a delight!

Not Josh/Steve aside, that's what I’d call an easy intro to flirting, which amounts to nothing more than a smile, direct eye contact, a curious nature, and some open-ended questions. But what about if you wanna take it to the next level?

Let’s say, Dear Reader who asked me write about this, or any Dear Reader who wants to up their flirting game, you’re out and about, looking sharp, looking for love and you meet a likely candidate, now what? Ready?

Honestly? Not rocket science. Nothing really more than what I described above. Some banter, some eye contact, an exchange of names, and then…knowing PRECISELY when to say, “Really nice to meet you” and returning to your pals or your own space in the bar, restaurant or room, because an interested party will ALWAYS seek you out again to keep talking or get your number. When I met The (now ex) Boyfriend back in June, we were talking about a restaurant that we both wanted to try. I told him, “You can take me there on our first date” and he shared that part of the story A LOT when he told the tale of how we met. Oh, Le Sigh. That was a nice little foray, that relationship. The Now Ex BF is such a good guy. I wish him nothing but the best…

So, regarding the “talk dirty to me,” I’m a fan of upping the flirt factor, not the Fuck Me Factor**, unless that’s what you’re really after in that moment.

^^^Video above by a group B and I loved. Her voice!

**NOT that there’s anything wrong with fucking someone you desire after just meeting them, assuming you are in the position to engage in that safely, responsibly, and with an eye on the feelings that come up for most people after sex, but for me, I can’t remember the last time (or even the first time) that I fucked a stranger with whom I had been flirting. I came of age in the years of AIDS, to say nothing of herpes, and I’ve NEVER had a one-night stand. Not even in college. The closest I got — oh my God, this is laughable! — is when I started dating B., my ex with whom I ultimately shared a home and a life.

We had a GREAT first date and I was sure I wanted to sleep with him the next time I saw him, so on our second date, I suggested he invite me to Astoria and show me around, as I barely knew Queens. He did. After we wandered through his neighborhood, had some drinks, ate dinner, took a walk in Astoria Park as the night set, I asked, “Are we near your place? I want to see your plants and have a smoke.” (He had told me he was growing cannabis and had an incredible green thumb, and I thought this was a perfect move). You should’ve seen his face as he tried to figure out WHY I really wanted to go upstairs! It read, “Wait, does she really want to see my plants or am I getting in her pants?” and the answer was yes to both. We went to his apartment, I saw that he was indeed a really good indoor farmer, and soon enough, our clothes were off. But remember something boring but relevant, Dear Reader, which is this: in the world of heteronormative dating, there are MANY MANY men who will assume that if a woman wants to sleep with them soon after meeting up, even if the flirting and easy, early kissing is mutually passionate (with B. and me, it was perfectly matched), that woman might only be interested in a fuck. It’s a shitty stereotype, but like many stereotypes, it’s really what lots of people think. For that reason, I say keep your early flirt game as innocent as possible until you know what both of your intentions are, unless you are thick-skinned enough to take it. I knew that B. and I were about to be a couple. And we were, like, gangbusters.

But I digress. If your flirt is getting heated and you think you might be moving into some mutually filthy territory, I doubt you’ll need any coaching from me. What I’d be thinking about next is the following, and it’s more strategic than sexy:

• Is anyone drunk, stoned, or just out of it in a manner that will only bring shame, guilt, or regret later? If yes, exchange info and say a firm goodnight. You can take this up over milk and cookies another time.

• If no one is blotto, have I confirmed this person is who they say they are? And by that, I mean, have you been chatting long enough that they have showed you something on their social media or website, or anything that links them with reality? Even better is if you end up having friends or colleagues or similar in common.

• UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU GO TO A STRANGER’S HOME, or take them home to your place. I vote for some making out, heavy or otherwise, in a dark corner, under a streetlamp, by your car in the parking lot. And if you are out with pals, you text them as soon as the coast is clear and you’re making your way back inside or driving home.

  • And, OK, you big whores, assuming you’re disregarding my last point, it’s CONDOMS CONDOMS CONDOMS. Do I need to say another thing about that?

The last thing I will write that might seem counterintuitive to what came before this is that when you meet someone and the vibe is just off the charts, you could end up feeling more nervous than emboldened, and with that in mind, you will be SURE that you are fucking up the flirting, blushing, stammering, casting your eyes down, all of it. REST ASSURED that if you are feeling like Cupid shot you straight between the eyes with an arrow, the object of your affection will only notice how perfectly lovely you are, even if they aren’t interested. Grownups — and let’s hope you are only flirting with grownups, Dear Readers Alike — usually appreciate vulnerability and authenticity and will most likely walk away with a feeling like, “Oh, that sweet woman was flirting with me. I still got it.” Which is a nice gift to give another person. Win-win.

Art in this post courtesy of one of my favs, Eric Stefanski.

Thanks for asking me write on such a specific topic, Dear Reader!

Anyone else got something they wanna toss out to moi? Email me and I’m all yours. Mwah, mwah, mwah! Yes, I’m flirting with you…