Vol. 1, Post #32 I’m coming. Come with me.
Masturbation, sex toys, orgasm after 50…ya know, the usual. My ongoing sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, AKA, people w/readers.
I guess I’ll start with the linguistic question that I grapple with all the time. Cum or come? In this instance, sex columnist Maureen O’Connor speaks for me:
“When it comes to the spelling of cum,” wrote O’Connor in a Slate.com piece a few years back, “I defer to the Strunk and White of filth, the Vice style guide. Come is the verb, cum the resulting substance.”
Back to the matter at hand (no pun intended but be warned, this might be one of those posts), I was thinking about orgasms lately. Specifically, my orgasm and how it’s slightly changed in the last year as I finally, FINALLY, went into menopause in late 2023/early 2024. Yes, really. At age 56. Don’t even get me started on my accidental pregnancy that occurred in late 2021 and thankfully took care of itself, although in a rather The Shining situation. Sorry, but there it is.
OK, back to Young Old Abbe. I was packing for my vacation in Provincetown last month and trying to decide what vibrator to take with me. Usually, I’d default to The Gold Standard, The Hitachi Magic Wand, because even though it’s enormous and clunky, there is nothing that gets the job done like the Hitachi. I’ve been staying in the same bedroom in my Ptown house for over a decade, so I know all about what fits in the nightstand drawer (it does not), if there’s an outlet close by to the bed (yes, optimal) et al. My boyfriend was planning on visiting me for just over half a week on this vacation, but a girl has needs and those needs include packing a vibrator for the nights I would be solo.
But then I thought, variety is the spice of life, and reached into my own nightstand drawer and selected the Svakom Nymph, a toy that I purchased when I was partnered with B. as I thought we’d both enjoy it (punchline: we did. It’s great for nipple play and he was a nipple play kind of guy). Into my Ptown bag it went and off I went to vacation.
It’s a fun little toy, that Nymph, and I enjoyed it on a few nights alone, sort of marveling over the following pieces of information:
Technology with rechargeable silicone vibrators has really improved. Not only do they hold their charge for much, much longer than I remembered, but most of them are now waterproof, if you’re the kind of user who likes their vibe mixed in with a little water play, or even the bath or jacuzzi. I’ve done a bit of a deep dive (get it?) into various vibe manufacturers and waterproof toys with longer battery life are one/two of the most often requested features, so clearly, these customer service-driven companies are listening to their focus groups. Ditto for the Gumby (Cumby?) factor – most of the newer silicone vibrators are bendable or somewhat malleable for a truly personalized experience. Bravo, Team, BRAVO! Related to that, my adorable boyfriend left me a beautifully wrapped surprise on my bed as he was departing Ptown, which turned out to be one cute lil’ vibrator, the Inya Ruse, also waterproof, also with long battery, life, very travel-friendly (what a guy!), and, like the Nymph, surprisingly powerful. Which leads me to Point Deux.
Jesus Fucking Christ, this new wave of vibrators pack a punch! WAY WAY WAY more powerful than, gulp, your mother’s vibrator. Time was when the smaller, punier vibes (basically, anything less than the Hitachi) was sub-par if you wanted strong strokable action. Not no mo’! I was delighted with both of these smaller vibrators, not only because they took me precisely where I wanted to go, but because I didn’t need to do any heavy lifting in my brain, pretending they were my usual toy that guarantees liftoff every time in a predictably (pre-dick-ably? Groan) ecstatic performance. #iykyk*
*Once, I referred to playing someone else’s drum kit that was set to a way looser action on the pedal, with cymbals that were also spaced more widely apart than my own drum kit, as being akin to “masturbating with someone else’s vibrator – it takes you there, even if it takes you in a different direction than you’re used to driving.” Ya dig?
And finally, what I also noticed in Provincetown was something I had suspected for about a year now, which is the orgasms I was having had changed slightly from the orgasms I had prior to menopause. They were still delicious, but…how can I put this?...they were texturally different, sometimes sneaking up on me, sometimes with a noticeably different build up. They came (hee hee!) faster than before on occasion but arrived with less fanfare. Since I’m having partnered sex with someone and masturbating, I’ve noticed this in both scenarios. And…NOT coming is also fine if the activity around sex is stimulating. In other words, while I was never that girl who had to climax in order to feel sexually satisfied, now I’m especially not that girl.
This seems to be a fairly prevalent discussion among the women I know who are peri-, menopausal, or post-menopausal. That their orgasm, like most other things, has shifted a bit as their bodies have shifted. At The Ethel, Lauren Streicher M.D. has some pretty solid advice for ways to get a bit more lubed up and enhance orgasm, none of which is rocket science, but most of which involves a pocket rocket. In other words – back to vibe city, Darling Readers. As Lauren writes, “If the only thing vibrating is your cellphone, then it’s time to go shopping.”
And here’s where I’m kinda getting on a soapbox in solidarity. It’s 2024 and, in theory (assuming the American people get their shit together), soon we’ll have a women president here in the United States, a woman who is in menopause. While Madame President may not choose to discuss her hot flashes, her vaginal dryness challenges, her midsection weight gain, or her issues around orgasming (And who could blame her? She’s also probably too busy steeping puppy bones for her evening tea alongside the illegal Haitian immigrants who are stealing pets in Springfield OH and cooking them for dinner), it seems utterly antiquated that sexual wellness, for women and men, is still something we discuss in whispers. Almost all online sex toy retailers include a pop-up message or an FAQ that any purchase will be shipped in “discreet packaging.” I’m of two minds about this. First of all, of course, everyone is entitled to privacy, and your postal carrier** or mailroom doesn’t need to know about your estrogen cream prescription any more than they need to know about your Lipitor. At the same time, I’m wondering out loud here about what conversations and teaching moments we are missing when we are ordering or unwrapping sex toys in secrecy. After all, given the state of the world, isn’t some safe, hot, self-administered or partnered fun one of the few things that ANY of us can still enjoy with zero shame? I know, I know…if you’re reading this post, you probably agree with me and we/us are not the population to which I’m querying this, so along those lines, drop me a note at whatsshovegottodowithit@gmail.com or comment below and let me know if you’ve discussed masturbation or the gift of pleasuring yourself with your children or parents, would you? Bonus points if they did not run from the room screaming. AW informed me that only once have I “crossed the line” with any of our sex chat and since he’s now 25, I consider that a victory!
*Oh, and before we buzz off, **my former mailman was an older gentleman named, get ready, Ernie Fudge. Ernie is long retired now but during COVID, I walked out to his mail truck to hand him a $20 bill as a thank you for his service. Just a little tip (JUST THE TIP!) for doing a good job. As I approached his truck, I heard loud talk radio and realized that Ernie was listening to Rush Fucking Limbaugh. I couldn’t help myself.
“Ernie, are you enjoying that radio program?”
“Yes, he’s so smart and funny. Do you know what a Femi-Nazi is? He loves to roast them.”
“Yes, Ernie. I do know. I am, in fact, a Femi-Nazi.”
At the top of this post, tiny painting of a Hitachi Magic Wand is by the immeasurably talented Sean Gardner, co-owner of Pop + Dutch (sandwiches, salads, lube) in Provincetown, aka DJ Potato Salad on WOMR FM, Community Radio of Cape Cod. Follow him at @fred_swazye or @popandutch