Vol. 1, Post #26 Boy Talk, Pt. 1

Meet Thurston Howell III. Boy Talk: a new mini-series. My ongoing sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, AKA, people with readers.

Oh my Loveys (get it?)…you’re in for a treat. This week’s column is a hybrid of sorts, because last week, I asked my Dear Readers to share dating triumphs, the kind of tales that end in everyone wearing their Big Girl Pants, instead of going down the oft-tragic rabbit hole of “And now it’s a shit show because I just did that thing that I promised myself I’d stop doing, AGAIN.”

My point being, I wanted to hear how this posse got themselves out of self-destructive dating ruts, like choosing a Big over an Aiden, if your name is Carrie Bradshaw.

I received DOZENS of messages, calls, and emails, which was delightful! I loved that you were so forthright in sharing your wonderful stories about lessons learned as a Young Old, but after getting into the meat and potatoes of about five or six of them, I noticed a funny theme was emerging.

I realized that even in these great “Older & Wiser” stories, there was STILL an element of what I call Rubik’s Cubing.

Rubik’s Cubing is when you take a problem (or challenge) in a relationship and just keep turning it over and over and over in your mind, looking at it from every conceivable angle, trying to plot out what would happen if you did THIS…what would happen if you did THAT…in essence, it’s just bonkers behavior that serves no one. About the name that I assigned to this behavior? Well, I realize that for this demographic, you know PRECISELY what I’m talking about. Also this.

So last week, when I spoke to a few of you on the phone like an actual civilized person, sent a few texts back and forth, or received several long-ass emails (THANK YOU for taking the time to chime in, Darlings!), I discovered I had inadvertently asked the WRONG question.

The question that I asked was “Tell me how you’ve triumphed in reprogramming old dating behavior now that you’re all grown up,” but the real question that I SHOULD’VE asked is “How do you quiet your mind when you start Rubik’s Cubing all the shit you can’t control in the other person, when it comes to dating?”

Because in EVERY instance, in all of your terrific stories, there was a moment when each person started to doubt themself, their opinion or worth, revisit what they thought they could live with, with what they “made peace,” except that it was certainly not peace-worthy…and then, the spiraling began.

And then I realized, “AHA! We need Thurston Howell III” Or Three*, as I like to call him.

Three is one of my dearest friends in the world. He and his girlfriend (don’t you LOVE that he calls her his “girlfriend”?) are part of my chosen family and his children are among those I adore like my own. We have traveled the world — Brooklyn to Sicily — shared in each other’s great successes as well as heartbreaking disappointments. For someone who likes to yak as much as I do, Three also has an incredible knack for calming himself that I find not only admirable, but sometimes downright annoying in the way that it allows him to accept pain and release himself from pain that we all inflict on ourselves in our inner lives.

And so, for this new Mini-Series here, Boy Talk, in which I’m kicking it back to some of the good men that I know, I’m starting with Three, asking him to tell us how he talks himself off of the ledge when he’s feeling all, all, “FUUUUUUUCK! Why can’t I turn off my brain? What lies am I telling myself? Why can’t I get this to go my way?!?!”

*You’ll see more of Three in the video he created for us, and many of you will scratch your heads and say, “Hey, I know that guy! I wonder why Abbe isn’t using his ‘real’ name here, or posting one of the ENDLESS photos she has of them together?” My Dear Three works in education and for practicality purposes, he needs to be a little bit on the DL here in Sex Column Land. With that in mind, if you repost or comment here, please refer to him as Three!

Let’s start with some of the highlights from my Dear Readers, as they are the reason that Three popped into my head. Last week, I heard stories that included the following:

• A savvy reader got ghosted after planning a weekend away with her new guy. Among the racing thoughts she had while she was wondering WTF happened was “Did he think I stole his wallet???” after learning that his money clip had gone missing following a date. There was an odd-ball end to the story, but the fact remains that she “went there” for a bit, as she tried to figure out why he’d gone AWOL. Yes, even though it was preposterous. A thief? I’d laugh if it wasn’t indicative of the stories we tell ourselves as we try to “figure out” other people.

• After months and months of a situationship that was most certainly set up to be convenient for the guy, a gal pal put a hard stop to it, only to have Said Guy start new hot pursuit, which got my pal fantasizing and plotting about all the ways she might in fact actually get him to commit “for real” this time, even though part of her knows better, in that he told her he’s not a Relationship Kind Of Dude and that he’ll just say anything to get access to hot accessible pussy.

• A reader went back to the home of her ex to pick up her things after a split and took some items that she had stocked in his kitchen. Now, every time she reaches for the fancy fish spatula that she bought them since she’s a pescatarian who loves to cook, she congratulates herself for steering clear of an asshole who definitely pushed her buttons with hot/cold behavior, but she also replays the breakup and starts to make herself a little crazy with all the “naively loving” things she said in an attempt to try and work it out because, she’ll admit it, she got scared at the prospect of being alone. She owns that and knows it’s silly – she’s in her 40s – but the thoughts come anyway.

• During a split, another subscriber found real comfort in breakup playlists that she enjoyed searching on Spotify. Note: as I told this reader, I think a breakup playlist is cathartic AF! I had a great breakup playlist that I made which I called “Fuck This Shit” and it got me through some tough days. Now a few months out, this reader said she generally felt strong and healthy, but hearing any of the songs out there in the wild now feels jarring and upsetting, and even though she can usually brush it off, lately, against her better judgement, she’s been indulging herself by staying up WAAAAAY too late, running the tape from the breakup and Googling the seemingly non-stop questions that are filling her head and making her second-guess herself. Her (GOOD!) solution was to make a Google cut off time for herself — she said no more Googling “bad boyfriend behavior” after 9 p.m. or even worse, peeping his social media, but that the temptation to cave was STRONG and sometimes she gives into it, which just meant a one-way trip to Insomnia City.

• Here’s a funny one — a woman I know from an online group messaged me with HER Big Girl Pants Dating story and it’s not about a man, but rather, about her deep-seated desire to “break up” with another woman, who loves to give out dating advice that lands, well, as rather pathetic and it’s making her cringe. “My brain tells me that the best move would be to just ignore her because a lot of people think that her very public stance on dating is ridiculous but at the same time, I hate that she lumps me into her weird ‘single ladies against the world’ pool. I wish it didn’t bother me, but it does. I need to say something to her. I’m working on it.”

• And this from a male reader, who said he is naturally very chatty and thinks that for a lot of his last relationship, his ability to share stuff about his ex-wife was in fact a huge mistake, that it scared away his now ex-girlfriend, and that when they broke up, she told him that next time he meets someone, he shouldn’t “poison the well” with all this noise, which completely confused him because he thought he was just being honest. “I get her point of view — no one wants to hear about someone’s ex all of the time. But I also don’t want to come across as withholding. I guess my lesson was that I have to find more of a balance but at the same time, my ex and I have a challenging relationship because of our child’s issues, and I need a partner who is empathic with that. If it wasn’t that woman, so be it. I’m not beating myself up about it TOO much, which is a win for me.”

See what I mean? Each of these stories — so different from each other — all have a component of “Why can’t I let this go? I know I’d feel a lot better/calmer/more peaceful/easier if I could just let it drift away, but…I can’t.”

What to do, what to do…

Let’s check in with Three on this, shall we? CLICK HERE! HE'S MADE US A VIDEO!

Here’s one of the things that Three says, to which I particularly relate. If you’re a Type A-er, like me, you can think of a million reasons to give up on journaling, morning meditation, etc. if you’re not doing it PERFECTLY. For me, when I get up a hair later than expected and therefore have to cram in my writing session, along with my other morning practices like pulling tarot cards and silent forest walks (how I meditate) over coffee before the day beckons, I get….annoyed. Annoyed that I haven’t planned enough time to do each of those tasks lovingly and with deep care. If I get annoyed enough, I just put away the journal, tell myself I’ll go for that silent walk in the woods later, and then the day spins out. I love how my pal Three “rewards” himself with the gift of meditation when he feels like he’s beating himself up with worry or self-doubt. He doesn’t look at his practice as “therapy” as much as he looks upon it as a chance to offer himself a mini-vacation from a lot of psychic noise. In essence, because of his practice, Three can see when he’s just about ready to pick up that Rubik’s Cube and start twisting and turning, and instead, goes inward, telling his mind to stand down.

If Three’s basic intro to self-care and self-compassion appeals, he has some other recommendations for those of you who take yourselves to the proverbial woodshed too often. He likes Insight Timer, as does ahem, my boyfriend. He recommends Ten Percent Happier by Dan Harris. And his bookshelf picks include Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind by Shunryu Suzuki, Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art Of Happiness by Sharon Salzberg, and anything by Pema Chodron.

So wraps Boy Talk Sess Numero Uno. In other soon-to-come posts, we’ll also be hearing from a single gay male pal of mine regarding his adventures in dating; homo or hetero, you’ll be surprised at the some of the similarities. And we’ll check in with a formerly VERY single straight male friend of mine who is now happily smitten with his lady love and ask him some very pointed questions about what settling down means to him.