Vol. 1, Post #14 Thrust into the Pubic Eye

Natch - rhymes with snatch. My ongoing sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, AKA, people with readers.

Last week, I was lying on my back at Glo Woodstock Day Spa, which is owned by my pal Debbie, who has patented what she calls The Woodstock Brazilian. That’s a bikini wax that is part-Brazilian (inner and outer vulva/labia and anus) but leaves a modified fairly full triangle of pubic hair in the front. You know, slightly shaped but otherwise not waxed, so that unless you were up-close-and-personal, the pussy upon which you are gazing would appear au naturel.

This is my go-to wax job, and a nod to orgasms. I think (I hope) MOST of us know that clitoral stimulation is felt strongest when the friction takes place against bare skin. Therefore, even though it’s only me and my Hitachi Magic Wand right now, a waxed clit usually produces the most intense orgasms and who am I to sit out a good orgasm even if I’m still in a dating Time Out?

That bit of TMI aside, I love Debbie’s Woodstock Brazilian because I love pubic hair. I like having it. I like my lovers to have it. And no amount of persuasion will convince me otherwise.

For the sake of this discussion, let’s all agree with the various medical/health experts who have scientifically proven that having at least SOME pubic hair not only protects sex organs and keeps the vulva warm and moisturized but also prevents infection by keeping dust, dirt, and infection at bay. More on this at ACOG if you are interested in what ob-gyns have to say.

Likewise, let’s all agree that having one of your best friends wax both your vagina and asshole is a true testament to love, particularly when she tells you roll over and stick your ass in the air. And Debbie is a pro. Sorry for those of you who have heard this story a billion times, but once, a few years back during a polyamorous period, I was at a sex party and I was in bed with my partner, his other partner (in poly terms, she would be my metamour), and her newish, casual partner, all writhing around in what I’ll call a love puddle.  My meta, who knows Glo Spa, glanced down at me, and asked, “Did you just get waxed? I need to see Debbie. Should I come up next week and maybe we can all have lunch?” and I responded, “Totally, and we can plan cocktails with X and Y, who are dying to see you!” To which SHE responded, “Amazing! Also, I have to tell you what my mother said to me about Passover,” at which time the whole bedful of people groaned and almost yelled, “Can you two Yentas take your chitchat downstairs? We’re trying to have an orgy here?”*

*^^^That I just got to write about a polyamorous sex party and throw a little Yiddish into the mix in the same story is enough to give me a literary orgasm, by the way.

At this age (well, kind of at any age above ten, if I’m being honest), a totally bare vulva skeeves me out. Not because the human body isn’t beautiful, because, as my pal Michael Tucker will speak to in the next paragraph or two, I think all kinds of bodies are beautiful. But I associate a lack of hair with childhood and I’m not a child. As a Young Old, I think hairlessness looks, well, yucky, and maybe even a little pedophiliac?  

Let’s get to my man Tuck. Friend, writer, cartoonist, Michael Tucker is always right by my side when I go down a (pubic) hair hole on social media, as I drool away at vintage lingerie ads and repost with abandon. I asked him to answer two questions for me/you/us. Here ya go:

AA: Besides the fact that it’s womanly, why do you prefer pubic hair? Or do you prefer it for another reason besides this?

MT: First, I should say that people should obviously be able to do whatever they want with their bodies, to adorn them in whatever way they see fit. Shave, not shave, whatever. For me, maybe it was the era I grew up in (the seventies). It’s just...natural. For lack of a better word. It’s also a sign of rebellion I think, especially now when everyone is so sculpted and groomed. Let it grow.

AA: I totally agree. Natural is almost rebel. Hilarious. Ok, next question. Any other “anti-typical” things/looks you think get a bad rap in the realm of women’s bodies?

MT: It’s probably a cliche, but I really do believe that all bodies are beautiful. Since my first time at a nude beach on Long Island almost 35 years ago, I’ve been naked with literally thousands of people, friends, and strangers alike. I’m a believer in the concept of non-sexual nudity. When you’ve seen the wonderful multitude of body types of all ages and genders, it’s impossible to believe that there is any such thing as “ideal” beauty. We are all beautiful because we have bodies, and we are alive.

Agree? For more on what Tuck is talking about, you can visit British Naturism on IG; likewise, he recommends Nudism in a Cold Climate, by Annebella Pollen or Hot Springs by Greta Rybus, which is a collection of photos and stories of “how the world soaks, swims, and slows down.” Or you can queue up an episode of “Girls” in which Lena Dunham (love her, hate her, you pick) is naked or nearly naked because…get ready for this newsflash…sometimes people are just naked when they’re at home and sometimes people wear skimpy bathing suits when they go swimming. Hell, I’m writing this nearly naked in my home office right now, save for some fuzzy socks and a hair clip.

I understand that pubic hair is polarizing, but I can’t understand why it elicits so much shock – anyone/everyone remember when The Black Crowes released their third album, Amorica, and it was banned from Wal-Mart and Kmart, etc. for its cover art – the image came from a 1976 Hustler Magazine, by the way, and is featured at the top of this post. To this, I raise an imaginary glass to Larry Flynt, that pervert. I loved what he stood for and hope he’s resting not only in power but amid a sea of pubic curls on a cloud of titties. Can I also semi-sidebar here with a mini description of what Hugh Hefner coined “The Pubic Wars”?  This was a rivalry between Playboy and Penthouse in the 1960s and 1970s, as both tried to outdo each other with just a little bit more nudity on their models without crossing the line – the line being pubic hair, considered “forbidden” in U.S. pornographic magazines of the era.

Back to that image from 1976…my most recent former boyfriend (born that year) was a pubic hair aficionado, loved porn from that era. Once I asked him, “Is the fetish from your older sisters’ Victoria’s Secret’s catalogs or from peeping when they had sleepovers with friends, or…. what?” And he was never really able to pinpoint the origin, just that he loved it, which was FINE with me. I warned him that as a pale-skinned, and now aging Jewess, I was not now, nor ever have been, terribly hairy, but I was able to deliver enough of the goods to satisfy and when he asked me to stop shaving my armpits (but not my legs, interesting), I also complied. Fun fact: during the Georgian era (1714-1837), among the British upper class, pubic hair from one’s lover was frequently gifted as a souvenir.

One day, I asked Most Recent Former Boyfriend, “Do you want me to tell you what I think about your pubic hair?” because he, like a lot of other men I know, not only trimmed but actually shaved. Shaved his balls and shaved his pubic hair. He was astonished when I told him that maybe a little growth might be nice. “But I thought no one wanted to get any hair stuck in their throat?” No, no one does (well, I can’t speak for everyone) but at the same time, interesting to hypothesize the reason WHY so many men shave, no? Do you think that it’s not only the hair/throat dilemma but also because men believe that less pubic hair enhances the perceived size of their cocks?

MEN – help me/us out here – can you let me/us know if this is why you shave your pubic hair, if you do, or if you don’t, why others might? whatsshovegottodowithit@gmail.com and while I have your attention, someone emailed me last week and asked if I ever thought about a matchmaking service via this Substack. Honeys…I think about a matchmaking service all the time. If you’re a Young Old and you’re looking for love, you can most certainly let me know and I’ll mull over any great connections I might have for you. (Separate but related) I would’ve been a goddamn GREAT madam at a brothel in another life. Oh well.  

Finally, I leave you with 15th century Welsh poet Gwerful Mechain’s Ode To Pubic Hair, and my wish for you to go forth and groom as you please, Dear Readers.

Next week…I might go on a date. To discuss…