Vol. 1, Post #39 Pussy

One week till the election. Let’s talk about going down. My ongoing sex tips for girls* (*girls who are holding on to mid-life by a thread). A dating odyssey for Young Olds, AKA, people with readers.

You Darlings don’t fuck around. Last week, I ended my post by asking if anyone had a sexy subject they wanted me to broach, since, let’s face it, we need something else on which to focus our unfocused, addled brains – at least I do – and two different Dear Readers chimed in immediately! Eating pussy? Don’t mind if I do. 

These readers couldn’t be more distinct from each other. One is a former lover (male), and the other is someone I’ve never met in person (female). They came to the table with two different takes on this appetite. 

The former lover wrote in to say that he agrees we could DEF use a distraction from our collective doom scrolling, and was happy to start the ball rolling with his take on what makes oral a joy for both partners. Two immediate reactions to that. First, hooray for former flames who can stay in your life and sometimes pop up to proudly wave their freak flag, and second, it’s all about whatever gets you through the night at this point. I say this as I round Night Three of Dread Insomnia…

Personally, I’m feeling pretty un-sexy in this moment, but that’s because I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around which concentration camp that No Good Piece Of Shit and his thugs will pick out for me, should the vote go sour. When and if the Republicunts round us up, will I get sent to the prison for Jews? Queers? Women? Here’s to hoping all three have connecting underground tunnels so we can visit each other.  

Anyhoo, we’ll get to my former lover’s tips shortly – cue the “just the tip” jokes.

Oh, wait, you know what? Lemme sidebar for a second.

Last week, I asked The Boyfriend two different questions. Number One: if he minds that he sometimes figures into these posts and, just as importantly, number two: if he cares when I write about former lovers, etc. Answers: since I don’t share anything ridiculously personal about our sex life, The BF is ok with popping up here and there in this Substack. As for former lovers, I mean, I’m pretty sure that The BF knows I wasn’t a virgin when we met and furthermore, as long as former lovers stay former, all is cool. A shout out to my adorable boyfriend, y’all, who puts up with my shenanigans. He’s got great taste (and I taste delicious).

OK, over to my female reader who wrote that she has some complicated feelings about being an amuse-bouche:

“I’m not sure this is what you mean when you ask for sexy subjects but I’m curious what others think about oral sex, and specifically for talking about what I like while I’m getting it. As in, being instructive to my partner. I know I should say more when my guy is going down on me, but I hesitate, and I wish I didn’t. Also, I know I’m supposed to be well past this, but I get a little weird about what I smell like and what I taste like, even though no one has ever said anything negative to me about it.”

OK, Lady Reader, here we go. 

If we were in talk show studio with an audience – and just IMAGINE the kind of trouble I could start if I had a talk show! – I’d ask for a show of hands from the women with regard to who feels similar to my Dear Reader. Who feels like being “instructive” while getting head feels…bossy? Brassy? Too specific? OK, put your hands down. 

Now let’s ask the men to answer (on my talk show, I have an equal number of men and women in the audience and not just gay men). When you’re getting head, a show of hands if you feel you can’t ask for what you want and/or if you feel shy about asking for what you want? Anyone?

Hear that? Crickets. See that? Hands in lap, every one of those menfolk. 

BY ALL MEANS, chime in if I’m incorrect about this, but I’ve never blown a guy and, while in the act, felt like he was hesitating about telling me how he liked it or something he wanted me to add to the mix. If anything, I’ve had lovers who went to the other extreme, like the former partner who had incredibly muscular thighs and used to accidentally “secure” my head with one of his legs, which made it practically impossible for me to, let’s just say, move about the cabin with ease. Once I told him this, that I couldn’t really move my head or mouth with full range of motion, he said, “I do that? It must be an involuntary thing. Jesus, thank you for telling me. I’ll NEVER do that again.” This led to an incredibly detailed fantasy chat about what he liked me to do. Like, no stone unturned. And not a hint of bashfulness around this. Which I appreciated, and accommodated.

So, to my reader who is wondering about whether she should offer some feedback on what she likes in oral sex, whether that’s through specific direction, or moving her body a certain way, or moaning, or whatever, the answer is FUCK YES OF COURSE SHE SHOULD and hopefully, she’ll get past her hesitation, although I think it’s more challenging than many people believe. With that in mind, here’s a few suggestions from various sex therapists that I’ve amassed to answer this question:

• If you find voicing a request during sex to be difficult but otherwise have great convos with your partner, try bringing this up at another time when intimacy or connection is more approachable — say you’re in the middle of some deep kissing, fully clothed, so maybe you want to whisper in your partner’s ear, “I’d love to have your hot mouth on my clit just like this later tonight.” Or whatever makes you feel emboldened to speak up. Related to that:

  • Leave your partner a note or send a text with your desires sketched out, even a little bit. You don’t have to go crazy unless being verbal makes you vibrate, and most lovers will take the hint and run with it. Speaking from experience on this one. I was away from a former partner for a few weeks and we were sexting, when it occurred to me that in addition to the usual stuff that turned us both on, I went an extra step and told him about something I wanted him to do to me the moment we next saw each other. It was extremely specific and was a slight departure from our usual re-entry (ha) and naturally, he loved it — then again, I’m not shy about talking (in bed or otherwise).

• Get a pair of crotchless panties — again, I personally give this big thumbs’ up. Lots of people find the idea of crotchless panties to be a huge turn on, particularly as both partners explore ways to enjoy them. Bonus: crotchless panties can be as cheap and sleazy as you like, so no big investment in fancy lingerie if that’s not your thing.

• For the bolder set, ask your partner if they will masturbate for you, and offer to do the same. The thinking on this is such: you might get more comfortable if your partner is in a vulnerable position and in turn, be able to show your partner what you like when it’s your turn for show and tell. Oh, you didn’t know he liked to grip his cock with his other hand? He probably doesn’t know you like to rub one out while on your stomach, which, in theory, may be a hotter position for you to receive oral from him. Again, forgive heteronormative language on this.

In a much quieter voice, let me also say to my Dear Reader that she’s far from alone in her hesitation. All it takes is just ONE partner to either express exasperation with a woman’s request for “something else” during oral sex, or (worse) give the impression that she’s taking too long to climax, and I’m pretty sure that woman is stigmatized.

As far as smell or taste, I mean…OK, I’m not going for the low hanging fruit (see what I did there?) a la “I’m dating a guy with the funkiest tasting spunk” but any partner who is put off by a healthy vagina in all its glory should be cut off from getting anywhere near it. Men, have you tasted semen? It’s a veritable Baskin-Robbins of flavors and it’s pretty much, you-get-what-you-get-and-you-don’t-get-upsetville. Also, I agree with the SATC posse; I think smoker’s cum tastes different from non-smoker’s. I likewise think that every man should sample his own, just to see what’s on the menu. Shrugs.

As for me, I initially tried pussy in my late 30s, when I was dating my first official girlfriend. As I told anyone who would listen, “It tastes just my elbow!” which surprised me a little bit since there’s so much aforementioned nonsense around the olfactory myth of pussy. I had no real idea what to expect. Fishy? Funky? Da fuck did I know? I know what MY pussy smells like, and for that matter, tastes like, and I was fine with that, so I wasn’t hesitant when it was my time to go down on a lady love. And lest you think that was my only experience, nah. In my polyamorous period, I had my share of OPP. Samesies. Elbow. Silky wet elbow. 

The thing that I think is indignantly interesting (and infuriating) when I hear heteros talk about eating pussy is that it’s often treated as a separate act entirely. In recent months, I’ve heard from a few gal pals that their male lovers actually have asked, “Do you want me to go down on you?” 

Um, is that a real question? 

Once our clothes are off, I expect that you and I both will have our mouths all over each other and by default, if it’s naked, I can lick it, and vice versa. Isn’t that a law or something?

Speaking of naked, let’s go back to what that former lover of mine wrote in his email. I’ll summarize the parts of his message that I particularly enjoyed, because let’s face it, if just ONE of you puts down this Substack and masturbates or tells your partner what gets you off, even if it makes you stammer and blush, I’ll consider it a major win. Right now, we need all the pleasure we can get, ahead of November 5th. So here’s what he had to share — his recommendations for Better Oral For All. Hey, if this dude wants to run for president, that’s a campaign slogan I can get behind!

“I think you should write about how more people should take their time with eating pussy. Most people rush to the orgasm. I like to create tension by teasingly moving my hands towards my partner’s lower body, but I try to keep it slow – personally, I like to leave on her underwear as long as possible to build suspense. Your focus shouldn’t be on just that one part of her body. Again, don’t rush. Take your time and do things like tease her inner thighs, kiss her all over, use playful touch and don’t race to the finish line. It’s not just about her clit. Yes, you might want to apply gentle suction there, as if you were savoring a delicate treat. Some women like a finger or two in their vagina, some like some light touching on or in their anus. And don’t forget that the way a woman’s body responds to your fingers might be different than the way she responds to a thumb. Try it all out. The most important part in going down on a woman, in my opinion, is communication and attentiveness, so hopefully she’s able to tell you what she likes and you can adjust your moves accordingly. That’s the way to create a deeply satisfying, SHARED experience.”

^^^Did you read where he wrote “most people rush to the orgasm” and likewise, “don’t race to the finish line”? Pace, people, PACE.

And something else to think about when you’re eating pussy, My Beauties. Not everyone prefers oral on the Road To Orgasm. 

I can think of any number of scenarios in which I am enjoying receiving oral from a lover, but in the end, want to finish with some P in V action (that’s penis in vagina, Dolls, or even F in V for those sans penis). And along those lines, I also might be good to wrap up a sex session even if I didn’t have an orgasm. No one likes a lot of pressure to come for their partner; the last thing I like in my sex is any pressure to do something a specific way, just because that’s how you think it works from watching porn. Sometimes, oral is just launch pad to some deep dicking and sometimes, the opposite is true. Sometimes sex is just play, or a group sport, and as we Young Olds know if we’ve had kids and suffered through Little League or Saturday Soccer, in group sport, not everyone leaves with a medal. Variety. Spice of life*. 

(*By the way, if you’re not shopping Penzey’s Spices for all your culinary needs, you should be. They abhor what the Republican Party has become, incorporate that into their marketing, and as such, come under fire constantly. Take your hands out of your pants and order some cumin right now.)

SEE WHAT I JUST DID? I BET YOU HAVEN’T THOUGHT ABOUT THAT FUCKING ORANGE CRIMINAL IN AT LEAST FIVE MINUTES! The power of pussy. When I first became pals with artist/actress Ann Magnuson about a decade ago, I told her how much I ADORED this album she recorded as part of the indie band, Bongwater. We played it till the cassette snapped. If you don’t know it, you should!

Hit it, Bongwater! 

As we wrap up this week, our opening PHOTO CRED is Megan Thee Stallion in a still from the “WAP” video, which I thought was super fun, visually intoxicating, and a catchy-as-fuck song that I still crank way up. Here’s a little bit more about what she and Cardi B. think of the mostly male reactions to the song that made more than a few “Best Of” lists for 2020. And speaking of 2020, I hope your November 5th looks a lot more like Election Night that year, than the one we endured in 2016. See you on the flip side — a reminder that me and my pussy are hibernating until November 13th.